Quick: name two of the tallest and most influential people in history/fiction who were forced to confront slavery and the threat of the destruction of their civilization and who had beards. You thought of Abraham Lincoln and Qui-Gon Jinn, didn’t you?

Join me as I watch this SyFy channel video nasty for the very first time and marvel at the fake buttons, Ed Wood sets, and hot scientist-on-scientist action. I sing a little Debbie Gibson and call Lorenzo Lamas “Fernando Lamas” a couple of times (they’re father and son).

Join me as I take on the greatest ’80s action movie of all. Bruce Willis gets the crap beaten out of him as New York cop John McClane. I discuss the film as a chess match and compare it to the other Die Hard films and other action films of the era and the eras before and after. I examine why parts of the film are terrible despite the whole being a work of unparalleled genius. And I mock the Eurotrash bad guys from time to time and attempt to straighten out the “Shoot the glass” thing.

Join me and my guest Scott of Speakeasy Commentaries for the big 50th Tysto audio commentary, wherein we take apart the Will Smith/Isaac Asimov epic I, Robot.

We discuss the Asimov stories, action movies in general, the fundamental strengths and flaws of the film, and movies made from Philip K Dick stories, as well as making some Fresh Prince of Bel-Air jokes.

The 1980s was a time when action movies crashed noisily into American culture and seemed to take it over. They created a kind of film that had hardly been seen before; films where cops—for the most part—wreaked holy hell upon bad guys in the name of justice and then made snarky jokes about it.

I love movies and I especially love commentaries. So I got myself a microphone and produced some of my own. I do commentaries alone (or with my dog) with Region 1 DVDs and post the results in MP3 format with a bit rate of 64.

Alfred Hitchcock presents his first big hit with all the trimmings: the innocent man taking it on the lam, the tough and beautiful blond sparring with him, the quirky humor, and the weird conclusion.

Listen as I compare the film to Young and Innocent and North by Northwest, talk about Hitchcock’s early work and developing style, and stumble over British currency.

The greatest of great apes is trapped by tiny men and dragged to New York, where he runs amok, all for the affections of a dame. Join me as I give a little of the history of the production, point out some of the successes and failings, analyze the structure, and mock the stuntman who gets squashed by a giant ape foot. I frequently compare the film to the 1976 version and occasionally to the 2005 version.

This is kind of a quickie commentary with (for the first 15 minutes) my little niece.

William Goldman edits Simon Morgenstern’s rollicking adventure of pirates and princesses, swordplay and swamps down to “the good parts,” and I put all the missing pieces back in, carefully reconstructing the original narrative, in all its gruesome, graphic, weird, and perverse detail.

Join me as I divulge the not-safe-for-children truth. Rated M for mature.

Join me in an in-depth analysis of this terrific 1958 samurai film and detailed comparisons to the Star Wars movies it went on to inspire. I detail the connections between the characters and events in this with those in the Star Wars movies, ridicule the central characters, and boldly suggest that this movie needs a villain like Darth Vader.