Quick: name two of the tallest and most influential people in history/fiction who were forced to confront slavery and the threat of the destruction of their civilization and who had beards. You thought of Abraham Lincoln and Qui-Gon Jinn, didn’t you?

Avast and ahoy, matey! There be monsters here! Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas arise out of the ’80s to attack a defenseless mega shark and an innocent giant octopus with submarines. Join me as I watch this SyFy channel video nasty for the very first time and marvel at the fake buttons, Ed Wood sets, and hot scientist-on-scientist action. I sing a little Debbie Gibson and call Lorenzo Lamas “Fernando Lamas” a couple of times (they’re father and son).

Also, I misquote Jaws* and Jerry Maguire** somewhat.

 Standard Podcast [94:38m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (13)

Join me as I take on the greatest ’80s action movie of all. Bruce Willis gets the crap beaten out of him as New York cop John McClane. Alan Rickman is terrorist* criminal genius Hans Gruber. Bonnie Bedelia is a big-haired, shoulder-padded chess piece. That one bad guy from The Goonies is one of the incompetent FBI guys that we need more of. That vice-principal guy from The Breakfast Club is one of many, many incompetent cops. Reginald Van Gleason Reginald VelJohnson is the guy who eats the Twinkies and is also an incompetent cop.

I discuss the film as a chess match and compare it to the other Die Hard films and other action films of the era and the eras before and after. I examine why parts of the film are terrible despite the whole being a work of unparalleled genius. And I mock the Eurotrash bad guys from time to time and attempt to straighten out the “Shoot the glass” thing.

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Will Smith and a colorless, odorless, brunette battle the evil that is slightly buggy computer programming in this thrilling adaptation of none of Isaac Asimov’s thought-provoking works. For this, the big 50th Tysto audio commentary, I am joined by Scott of Speakeasy Commentaries, a big fan of Asimov’s work and an expert on science fiction in general. We stumble thru the introductions and then get right to the heart of mocking the product placement and the idea that this robot-filled, self-driving-car, Lake-Michigan-landfill world is only 31 years in the future of 2004. We explore sci-fi in general and Asimov in specific, as well as how terrible a driver Detective Spooner is and whether or not Doctor Lanning’s cat is a robot, as well as making some Fresh Prince of Bel-Air jokes.

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