Quick: name two of the tallest and most influential people in history/fiction who were forced to confront slavery and the threat of the destruction of their civilization and who had beards. You thought of Abraham Lincoln and Qui-Gon Jinn, didn’t you? I knew it! Both of them certainly had an enormous influence on the world around them and the posterity of their respective cultures. But which of them is the more important, the more influential, and the more all-around awesome?

Tale of the tape

Abe Lincoln	6′ 4″ rail-splitter out of Washington DC by way of Illinois; born 1809; elected 16th President of the United States in 1860. Historical figure. Beard type: Old Dutch.
Qui-Gon Jinn	6′ 4″ Jedi out of Coruscant by way of Northern Ireland; born 92 BBY; elevated to Jedi Master in 59 BBY. Fictional character in Star Wars universe. Beard type: Short-Boxed.

The battle royale

Origin

Abe Lincoln	Born in a log cabin; grew up in an anti-slavery household of modest means.
Qui-Gon Jinn	Grew up in a Jedi Temple; didn’t care much about slavery.
WIN	Abe Lincoln

Deportment

Abe Lincoln	Mild-mannered; favored stove-pipe hat and wood ax.
Qui-Gon Jinn	Mild-mannered; favored Jedi robes and light saber.
WIN	Qui-Gon Jinn

Family

Abe Lincoln	Married to a crazy woman; fathered several children; bloodline died out in 1985.
Qui-Gon Jinn	Single, celibate; no children or clones.
DRAW	Abe Lincoln Qui-Gon Jinn

Defining moment

Abe Lincoln	Confronted with secession of rebel states, declared war to maintain the Union.
Qui-Gon Jinn	Discovered the One Who Would Bring Balance to the Force; rather than using Jedi authority and power, tried to buy him.
WIN	Abe Lincoln

Act of courage

Abe Lincoln	Signed the Emancipation Proclamation in 1864, freeing all enslaved persons in the rebel states and paving the way for the eradication of slavery thruout the nation.
Qui-Gon Jinn	Made a wager on a sporting event to free one slave boy (but not his mother) by putting up a spaceship he didn’t own, jeopardizing the safety of its rightful owner, the Queen of Naboo, whom he had sworn to protect.
WIN	Abe Lincoln

Demise

Abe Lincoln	Shot from behind in the head by an actor while he was watching a bad comedy. Killer dispatched by authorities by smoke inhalation.
Qui-Gon Jinn	Lost epic light saber duel fair and square to one of the coolest villains of all time. Killer dispatched by apprentice by torso-ectomy with light saber.
WIN	Qui-Gon Jinn

Legacy

Abe Lincoln	Wrote and spoke publicly frequently; words of wisdom remain a treasure for all mankind.
Qui-Gon Jinn	Figured out how to return from the dead to impart wisdom directly; didn’t use it much.
WIN	Abe Lincoln

Overall winner