Quick: name two of the tallest and most influential people in history/fiction who were forced to confront slavery and the threat of the destruction of their civilization and who had beards. You thought of Abraham Lincoln and Qui-Gon Jinn, didn’t you? I knew it! Both of them certainly had an enormous influence on the world around them and the posterity of their respective cultures. But which of them is the more important, the more influential, and the more all-around awesome?
Tale of the tape
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6′ 4″ rail-splitter out of Washington DC by way of Illinois; born 1809; elected 16th President of the United States in 1860. Historical figure. Beard type: Old Dutch. |
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6′ 4″ Jedi out of Coruscant by way of Northern Ireland; born 92 BBY; elevated to Jedi Master in 59 BBY. Fictional character in Star Wars universe. Beard type: Short-Boxed. |
The battle royale
Origin
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Born in a log cabin; grew up in an anti-slavery household of modest means. |
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Grew up in a Jedi Temple; doesn’t seem bothered very much about slavery. |
WIN |
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Deportment
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Mild-mannered; favored stove-pipe hat and wood ax. |
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Mild-mannered; favored Jedi robes and light saber. |
WIN |
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Family
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Married to a crazy woman; fathered several children; bloodline died out in 1985. |
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Single, celibate; no children or clones. |
DRAW |
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Defining moment
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Confronted with secession of rebel states, declared war to maintain the Union. |
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Discovered the One Who Would Bring Balance to the Force; rather than using Jedi authority and power, tried to buy him. |
WIN |
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Act of courage
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Signed the Emancipation Proclamation in 1864, freeing all enslaved persons in the rebel states and paving the way for the eradication of slavery thruout the nation. |
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Made a wager on a sporting event to free one slave boy (but not his mother) by putting up a spaceship he didn’t own, jeopardizing the safety of its rightful owner, the Queen of Naboo, whom he had sworn to protect. |
WIN |
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Demise
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Shot from behind in the head by an actor while he was watching a bad comedy. Killer dispatched by authorities by smoke inhalation. |
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Lost epic light saber duel fair and square to one of the coolest villains of all time. Killer dispatched by apprentice by torso-ectomy with light saber. |
WIN |
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Legacy
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Wrote and spoke publicly frequently; words of wisdom remain a treasure for all mankind. |
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Figured out how to return from the dead to impart wisdom directly; didn’t use it much. |
WIN |
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OVERALL WINNER |
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