Fidel Castro can stay at my house

2004.03.01 — Government | World | Cuba | Satire | by Derek Jensen

With Saddam out of power, Aristide fleeing Haiti, and George W Bush's approval ratings heading toward the bottom of the Potomac, what militarily ruthless and economically foolish world leader is next? The demise of Fidel Castro has been predicted many times, but eventually it has to come true. And when it does, where will he go? Well, I am willing to take him in at my house.

I have a nice house in a small town in northern Indiana, not ostentatious, but it is out of the limelight, where a former dictator could easily spend his remaining days relaxing on the patio, playing pool in the basement, and enjoying movies on the home theater.

Fidel would be welcome to use the guest room. I'd even buy him a TV of his own and let him use my home computer to surf the Web or write his memoirs. I would only ask that he not use the telephone without asking. I would hate to discover that some insurrection was fomented from my home office and I was stuck with big long-distance charges and federal felony charges both.

I would appreciate it if Fidel made himself useful around the house, not that I would expect him to do much. I travel all the time and usually pay a guy to mow my lawn, so it would really help out if Fidel could take over the lawn care. A guy has to keep busy, after all.

He would have to promise not to stay up too late watching a movie, because my mother goes to bed early. My retired mother lives with me and takes care of the house and my dog and cat when I am traveling. At 77, Fidel is even older, of course, so maybe he would go to bed even earlier.

I'm not sure that I could afford a car of his own for Fidel, but he could certainly borrow mine any time. As long as he got a driver's license and assuming my insurance would cover an aging communist, I wouldn't mind him driving my Miata, especially if he took it to the car wash now and then and kept it gassed up.

I don't know if Fidel has special dietary needs, but there is a substantial Hispanic population in my small town, so I think he could find what he wanted at the Mexican grocery. Maybe he would like to hang out at the Mexican restaurant too; I don't know.

There's not a lot to do in my town other than hang out in restaurants, so Fidel might want to go to the city now and then. By "city," I mean South Bend and Mishawaka, where AM General makes military HUMVEEs. He could catch a Notre Dame game or check out the College Football Hall of Fame, or sample the excellent shopping and dining district of the princess city of Mishawaka. Better yet, South Bend is home to the Silver Hawks minor league team. I understand that Fidel was a talented baseball player in his youth; I would spring for season tickets. He could go with my dad, who is also retired and lives in that area.

As Fidel ages, he'll need more care than I can give. My grandmother stays in the nursing home just a few blocks down the street and recommends it highly when she's not complaining about the bland food. My mother takes her out each week to get her hair done, and I retrieve her for family get-togethers every few weeks. Fidel is welcome to be a part of those, and I promise I would visit him frequently in the nursing home for the rest of his life.

I'm betting no one else will.

Update 2006.08.10

Castro is going under the knife and has ceded power temporarily to his little brother Raul. He's said to be recovering, but perhaps unlikely to return to power. But Christopher Hitchens says the horse it out of the barn: the military has taken over.

Viva Cuba! Viva la Revolución! Lucy, I'm hoooome!

f e e d b a c k

Frank Stobie writes:

yeah, but is it accessible? Castro's going to be needing a WC [wheelchair] soon. Plan ahead.

Hmm. Good point. —DJ

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