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Bush’s best bet: go Hollywood
2004.03.07 — Government | Campaign 2004 | George W Bush | Satire | by BB Rodriguez
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Possible future movie star. [Bush campaign] |
George W Bush has so far raised $170 million to fund his 2004 presidential campaign. He may spend up to $60 million in advertising, the New York Times says. But why does Bush need so much money? After all, he's arguably the most recognizable face in the nation, maybe the world. I think I have it figured out: he's going to make a movie.
No no, it makes sense: it would be a big, splashy way to bring attention to his campaign, he's a friend of Caleefornia governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and a big fan of Patrick Swayze's cold war militia-fantasy Red Dawn. Plus, he loves to play dress-up.
Think of it: a big, sprawling action movie in the Schwarzenegger style, the president playing a robot from the future who has returned to our time to save us from terrorism. Dick Cheney can play the tough-but-fair police captain.
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Kirsten Dunst, possible co-star. [Maxim] |
Cast all-American girl Kirsten Dunst as the damsel in distress; nobody has better credentials—she was the peasant-actress in the Clinton-spoofing Wag the Dog and the star of Bring It On... not to mention she's stacked like a tank. It's a natural. Heck, she's even religious! The caption of one pic (left) in her Maxim spread quotes her as saying she wants a pair of angel wings tattooed on her back "as a guardian thing."
This project has it all: explosions, science fiction, a chick with big hooters, and patriotism. Plus, the robot can love Jesus. Instead of "Hasta la vista," his catchphrase can be "Vaya con Dios." It can't miss.
For $60 million dollars, Bush could have a heck of a shoot-'em-up knock-'em-down movie, especially since he wouldn't have to pay himself a salary or even buy advertising. The news and entertainment media together would pee themselves to get clips and do interviews. And what a relief that would be for Bush: no more embarrassing questions about his National Guard service, his wishy-washy budget numbers, or the latest anemic job figures. Instead, they would all want to know what it was like to work with Jerry Bruckheimer and James Cameron.
The bonus here is that Bush's $60 million could end up making him money. After all, half the country (well, almost half the country) voted for him in his last election. Surely several million would go to see his movie. That would allow him to at least recoup the $60 mill. It might even win him a few votes he wouldn't have otherwise got from action film lovers. Think of them as the "Cinemark dads."
With this idea, Bush can make his fondest wishes come true. He can dress up in a flight suit again. He can catch Osama bin Laden. He can even find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
While he's at it, he might as well throw in a scene where he wins re-election.
f e e d b a c k
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