How to solve America’s economic woes

2004.03.10 — Business | Jobs | Satire | by BB Rodriguez

The Bush administration has frequently and patiently explained that Halliburton was the only possible choice for the many billions of dollars worth of contracts to rebuild Iraq because no other company can do what Halliburton does. Apparently they're the best at the sort of large-scale infrastructure building that is needed when the US government wants to rebuild a country it has just destroyed.

This, along with the megamergers of entertainment and communications companies like AOL-Time-Warner-Larry's-Falafal-House, led me to the answer to all the big questions facing American workers and politicians today—unemployment, underemployment, offshore outsourcing, distrust of major corporations, collusion between big business and big government, the whole shebang: have Halliburton hire every American worker.

Halliburton provides the Iraqi people and our brave service men and women with everything from crude oil to hamburgers, porto-potties to pancakes. That's broad expertise, my friend.

If Halliburton did everything, there would be no reason to complain about no-bid contracts, lack of competition in the marketplace, or stock market manipulation. There would only be one stock, everyone would buy it, and it would go up and up.

On the surface, there wouldn't be a lot of change to the American landscape. McDonald's would still be McDonald's; it would just be a subsidiary of Halliburton. Ford would still be Ford; GM would still be GM. They'd just be different and competing divisions within the Company, just like Chevy and Pontiac are today (maybe that's a bad example; neither Chevy nor Pontiac is particularly competitive).

Halliburton is a big company now, but not the biggest, and bigger is always better. If we all worked for Halliburton, think of the savings we'd have in administration: a single payroll system, a centralized retirement program, universal health care... it would be like Sweden, but without the high taxes.

It's quite a clever strategy, if I do say so myself. It eliminates the problem of excess workers because we'd all be gainfully employed by the big H. From CEOs to porta-potty cleaners, we'd be one big happy corporate family. You'd hardly worry about losing your job because the bosses would be obligated to find other work for you. After all, the Bush administration thinks that outsourcing jobs overseas is good for the economy in the long run, right? Let them put their money where their mouths are and ensure that we all have jobs.

Don't think that you could slack off, tho. Even tho you couldn't get fired, you could always get transferred to an "undesirable" job. Remember: somebody has to clean those porto-potties.

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