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How Republicans can help the president
2004.04.05 — Government | Satire | George W Bush | by BB Rodriguez
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George W Bush is in a bind. |
GWB is hurting like a sonofabitch from the pounding he's taken from Richard Clarke, David Kay, and Paul O'Neill, not to mention John Kerry and others impugning his ability to lead. Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party.
How can you help the president regain the respect of the American people and the international community? Here's how.
Catch Osama bin Laden
George W Bush is personal friends with the bin Laden family of Saudi Arabia. If they can't find the black sheep of their own family, what hope does the president have? Well, you can help. America has the best plastic surgeons in the world. Go to Afghanistan and kidnap a tall Arab, bring him back to the US for surgery, then, while he's still groggy and badly bruised and swollen, fly him back to Afghanistan and stick him in a spider hole. Voila! Osama caught alive! Film him getting medical attention for his facial "injuries" and being checked for lice, then wait for the Bush administration to declare him a prisoner of war and keep him under wraps. Any further tapes that surface of the real Osama should be declared a hoax. What's he going to do, come out of hiding?
Find Iraqi WMDs
If the president says there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, there must be weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. One way you can help the president is to go to Iraq and find some weapons of mass destruction. And by find, I really mean "find." After all, they're technically found in Iraq even if you had to bring them with you. Where can you get some? Easy: the United States had the largest stockpiles of chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons in the world... and still may. And it's been shown that we don't have great security. You'll think of something.
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[T]hey're technically found in Iraq... even if you had to bring them with you. |
Create some jobs
The latest job numbers look good, but they could just be a spike in the data. Take no chances. Fish for seed funding among conservative business executives and apply for federal grants, then establish a pyramid-scheme company whose purpose is to hire recruiters. Each recruiter will be assigned to hire a dozen other recruiters and then sit back and manage their "team." By the time the scheme collapses, the economy will be in high gear.
Form a club
You don't have to be gay to form Gay Republicans Entirely Against Same-sex Espousal Unions (GREASEU)....
f e e d b a c k
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