The 13-year-old future madame president

2004.06.04 — Government | Campaign 2004 | Satire | by BB Rodriguez

"Dear Abby" answered a letter recently by a teenage girl who wants to be president one day. John Kerry has posted his answer, which "Abby" also printed. I have a different take.

I put "Abby" in quotes because Abigail Van Buren was a pseudonym; the original author died in 2002. The column is written now by the same daughter who wrote much of it in her mother's twilight years.

I quote the question here in full.

DEAR ABBY:

I am a 13-year-old girl in the eighth grade. For my Health and Human Services class, I had to do an oral report about my future career. I have wanted to be president of the United States since fifth grade. But when I said that, my teacher laughed at me. He told me I had very little chance of making it, although he didn't say why.

Then, "Jim," another student, started laughing hysterically and said girls aren't allowed to be president. I said, "Yeah, and I'll bet the idiots who came up with that idea were guys!" I was so upset I ran out of the room.

Now, a group of kids at school have started calling me names and spreading rumors about me. Jim even tripped me and made me bite my lip. I try to ignore them, but it's hard. They keep laughing at me, and my teacher is no help. I am losing sleep and feel horrible.

Abby, I didn't realize so much trouble could come out of revealing a dream. It's not like I am not ambitious enough. I'm in the National Junior Honor Society and my poetry has been published in the paper more than once.

I have tried talking to the guidance counselors, but they have done nothing. And when I mention my career ambition to my family, all I get from them is, "That's nice, dear."

Please respond, Abby. My dream is turning into a nightmare.

— I HAVE A DREAM

Kerry’s response

Kerry's response was predictably tepid and encouraging, saying he "was touched" and that the girl "should be applauded." Twice he makes the claim that anyone can be president of the United States and that that's what makes America great. He does say that "doubters never made America a better place," which is a nice observation but the limit of his philosophical delving.

"Abby" congratulates the candidate for taking time out of his busy schedule to respond, apparently impressed that Kerry would spend five minutes reading a couple of paragraphs penned by some female staffer and give the okay to run with it.

Rodriguez’s response

Not being a candidate for president myself, my response is less measured and includes evidentiary citations.

Dear Dream:

I don't believe that you can be president of the United States. For one thing, sweetie, to be president, you can't be such a whiner. You can't go wailing to advice columnists every time someone laughs at your ideas. You have to believe in yourself. Or at least, your poll numbers.

I don't believe that you even think you can be president. I'm sure that you're perfectly aware that America has never had a woman president or vice-president before. We've never had a person of some ethnic minority as top executive, either (altho one vice-president was part Native American, which "part" counts). In fact, the whole of the Hall of Presidents doesn't offer much encouragement for anyone who isn't a member of the privileged white male elite, honey. John Kerry's claim that America is great because anyone can be president is pretty pale against the record.

Wait. What the hell is a "health and human services" class? That doesn't even make sense. It sounds like a government bureau. Does your school offer "pet and wildlife services" and "wilderness and agricultural services" also? How about "machine and computer services"?

Other countries around the world have had female prime ministers and such, including Sri Lanka (the first), New Zealand (two in a row!), Great Britain, Israel, Ireland, Norway, France, the Philippines, India, and Pakistan. Screw it. Look at the whole list.

And don't forget Turkish PM Tansu Çiller, possibly the hottest female head of state since Nefertiti.

UPDATE: Not any more! Ukraine's Yulia Tymoshenko is a rockin' hottie!

They've had their struggles, tho, and some haven't lasted long, including those of Peru, Finland, South Korea, and most recently India again. Even our cultural and geographical neighbor to the north, Canada, had a female prime minister briefly, before a party shift ousted her.

And lastly, I don't even believe that you're a thirteen-year-old girl. I think that you're a 26-year-old smart-ass male web publisher who doesn't realize that a teenage girl wouldn't use a parenthetical phrase like:

"Jim," another student,...

...or go to a guidance counselor for career advice, or sign off with a name that deftly recalls Martin Luther King, Jr.'s famous speech about equality of opportunity. Or perhaps you are a twenty-one-year-old college co-ed writing a term paper about feminism, ambition, and the antiquated role of the motherly advice columnist in American society.

In which case, more power to you, baby.

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