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Evil twins
Are all twins evil... or just these?
2004.06.29 — Culture | Personalities | Satire | by Jason Botwick
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No thanks. We're never hungry. [source / official site] |
From CNN online....
LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) — Teen actress Mary-Kate Olsen, who with her twin sister Ashley has grown into an American pop icon and fashion brand, has entered a program for treatment of an eating disorder a source said, which is reported to be anorexia.
Fuckin' Olsen twins. Jesus. You talk about evil. I mean, they are truly a monument to our fucked up culture. I saw them on TV one time and they go, "Well, it was between hosting Saturday Night Live and going to our senior prom. You only get once chance to host SNL, so we're skipping the prom."
Oh my fucking god. How can you be so fucking shallow and stupid? I mean, I didn't go to my own prom either, but that was because I was under cover for the feds, infiltrating YBI* at the time. And you truly don't get a second chance to do that, especially if you're a black man.
[You are not a black man. —Ed.]
Anyway, I don't even think they're real. They can't be—anymore than Shania Twain is (but Shania Twain is hot).
Speaking of twins and no taste, there was a concert in my area this past weekend. I'm am not exaggerating or making this up:
No fucking shit. But here's the kicker: On the commercial, they have that super serious baritone guy who announces all rock concerts and tractor pulls going, "Styx. Frampton. Nelson. The music that shaped a generation." Or some shit like that.
WTF????????
We're not as talented as our dad. |
I almost crapped myself. Not only did Nelson not shape anyone's generation, but they weren't even in the generation next to the generation next to the generation that had Styx and Frampton.
It would've been more correct to say, "Styx. Frampton. Nelson. The music that shaped a generation. Except for Nelson, who weren't actually in that same generation, and in fact were the laughing stock of their own generation, which was several generations after Frampton's generation, and which generation was a musical laughingstock in itself."
Meanwhile, Frampton's up at the Border's about a half a mile from my office, signing CDs. I wish I'd known. How cool would it be to have a real LP record of "Frampton Comes Alive" with Peter Frampton's signature on it? Mofucka, that would be the shit.
In a related note, I once saw Nelson in LAX. They were very short.
f o o t n o t e s
*Young Boys, Inc., a long-time Detroit-based gang. I don't know if they're still going or not.
[Well, they don't have a website. —Ed.]
I knew this guy, "George" (whose name has been changed to protect his memory), who was working for them. He was this big dude, and everyone was afraid of him. But for some reason I got to talking to him one day in detention. It was kind of like Breakfast Club (the 80s movie, not the 80s band).
We got to be sort of friends, and he used to tell me these stories about all the shit he had to do. It was like a full-time job for him. He had a boss, and he had to work all night, doing these errands which he would never describe to me fully. He had this vaguely paternal attitude towards me, where it was OK if we hung out, but I wasn't allowed to meet any of the people he worked with, and he wouldn't ever get very detailed about what he was into. Kind of like Vito Corleone "never wanted this" for Michael.
But, like Michael, here I am, the leader of my very own crime family. I guess it was inevitable, on account of my upbringing on the mean streets.
You know, I'm the first black man to head up the Gambino family.
[You are not a black man.. —Ed.]
f e e d b a c k
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