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Jacob Bennitt: quite possibly the greatest baseball player of all time
2004.07.13 — Culture | Sports | Satire | by Derek Jensen
Jacob Bennitt. |
Jacob Bennitt may not have reached the big leagues yet, but already he's poised to become the greatest baseball player of all time. The handsome and clean-shaven young pitcher (yes, ladies, he's single) has no fewer than 16 no-hitters under his belt in his league career. He's no slouch as a batter either. With 405 home runs already to his name, he's poised to overtake Barry Bonds before he's done with Little League.
"I've never seen anything like it," said legendary manager Tommy Lasorda. "This kid has got the goods. He's a phenom." Lasorda then bought a chili dog on the street and made the same observation about it.
Like Bennitt's 92-mile-per-hour fastball, rumors are flying that the wunderkind will be the first nine year old to be offered a major league baseball contract. "Figures starting in the three million dollar range are flying around for a two-year contract," said veteran agent Rufus Hootbottom. "That's unheard of for a rookie, especially one who can't even drive a car or buy chewing tobacco."
Jacob Bennitt batting. |
Indeed. Around the clubhouses, Bennitt, nicknamed "the rookie with a cookie" and "Babyface McGee," is the topic du jour. Some are even insinuating that Bennitt might be using performance-enhancing drugs.
"Charges of steroid use are unfounded," claimed Bennitt's doctor, Dr. Efram Blinkenhuber. "The only performance-enhancing substance that Jacob uses is chocolate milk, which, studies show, does a body good."
Jacob Bennitt batting. |
Sports reporter and analyst Bob Costas weighed in with his own observation. "I don't see the bulking up that suggests steroid use. Jacob is lean and limber, all natural. Besides, if he were going to take drugs, I think it would be growth hormone. I mean, what is he, four foot two? I'm taller than that."
Costas is a reported four foot four.
"I wish I could have been like him," said former Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordan. "I wasn't nearly as good at baseball as I was at basketball, but I hear Jacob is also a natural talent at soccer. I'll be watching his career closely."
Jacob Bennitt on base. |
Cincinnati Reds general manager Dan O'Brien fueled further rumors with his statement to the press. "Jacob is perfect for us. Not only is his current uniform a knock-off of the Reds uniform, but he fits right in with our no-facial-hair policy for players."
Bennitt's local league officials had no comment on the uniform accusation.
If a major league deal is in the cards, so too could be lucrative endorsement deals. A spokesman for Nike said that the shoe and sportswear manufacturer would be "very interested" in talks that could involve "bushel baskets full of money" trucked to Bennitt's door on a weekly basis.
Jacob Bennitt running. |
A Dodge spokesman suggested that his company would be interested in supplying the trucks. A bushel basket manufacturer expressed similar interest.
Bennitt himself could not be reached for comment. He was reportedly playing policeman with his sister, Alexandra.
Jacob Bennitt pitching. |
Jacob Bennitt about to pitch. |
Jacob Bennitt pitching one high and inside. |
f e e d b a c k
Kara Kovach writes:
Ha ha ha ha ha! LOVE the article! Great pics too!
Teresa Watkins writes:
That was adorable - I think the kids going to make it in the big leagues! He is a star in Aunt Teresa's Eyes! And I love the little guy like mad!!!!
Chuck Warman writes:
Is the kid givin' autographs yet?
Drew Bennitt writes:
He gets it from me ha ha ha. just kidding he does good.
Chicago Cubs writes:
please come pitch for our team !!!! Dusty Baker
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