Justifiable tyrannocide

What if the Iraq war were a murder case?

2004.07.19 — Government | George W Bush | Satire | by BB Rodriguez

George W Bush, 58, from Washington Blvd. and Tony Blair, 51, of London Ave. were arrested today on charge of murdering Saddam Hussein, 67, of Baghdad Heights. Bush has claimed self-defense, accusing Hussein of intending to kill him and being "a bad person who needed to go."

Detectives said Bush had been complaining about Hussein for months at the UN Lounge, a local night spot, often saying that Hussein was "a gathering danger" and "an imminent threat" and urging others to help get rid of their irritating neighbor.

"He was always going off about Saddam," said lounge manager Kofi Annan. "He said Saddam was trying to kill him and his family and that he [Hussein] had illegal weapons in his apartment. It seemed kind of crazy to me. The cops had already searched it."

Hussein was suspected of weapons violations in the past and had been convicted of assault against Mrs. Agnes Kuwait in 1991. Bush's father, George Herbert Walker Bush, had intervened in that assault. Hussein was currently on parole.

"[Hussein] was a bad guy," said his parole officer Hans Blix. "Everybody knew it. I thought he had illegal weapons myself, but I don't know why George thought Saddam was trying to kill him or his family." In accordance with the terms of Hussein's parole, Blix had even searched Hussein's residence himself. "Clean as a whistle," said Blix. "Not a single illegal weapon to be found. Quite a surprise, even to me."

But Blix's findings didn't satisfy Bush. "He just thought Saddam had managed to hide them," Blix said. "He wouldn't listen to reason. He really had his mind made up."

Indeed. Acquaintences of Bush has signed affidavits to the effect that Bush had expressed the intention to break into Hussein's home as long ago as January, 2001 and had started planning it as early as September, 2001.

"That's premeditation," said prosecutor John Kerry. "And that will get you the needle."

Tony Blair believed Bush's claims, tho. The two set out on the evening of March 20, 2003 to kill Hussein. "The suspects apparently had been drinking and decided to bust down Hussein's door," said one detective. "They found him hiding in a closet."

Bush's lawyer maintains that the homicide was justifiable. "My client was in fear for his life. He believed Mr. Hussein was a grave and gathering threat to him and his family. And he acted to end that threat."

Others are skeptical. "The man is a lunatic," said local resident Jacques Chirac, 73. "George W Bush just wanted to kill Saddam Hussein and take over his apartment. It's rent-controlled."

"I wouldn't go that far," said Gerhard Schroeder. 60, another local resident. I think he wanted to make sure that whoever lived in that apartment was going to be his friend, that's all." Added Schroeder, "It's a nice apartment. Centrally located."

Bush did in fact take possession of Hussein's apartment after the killing. "My client just wanted to make sure that any illegal weapons were secured and destroyed," said Bush's lawyer. To date, no illegal weapons have been found, despite extensive searches by the police and Bush himself (who is accused of resorting to torture to try to find them).

"Bush has said that even tho Mr. Hussein did not actually have illegal weapons, he had the intent to get them and the capability to get them," said one detective. "I say: if he had the intent and the capability, then why didn't he have them? Was he just being lazy?"

Ironically, as Bush has been required to pay the rent on Hussein's apartment, the rent-control limits have been removed, resulting in costs that Bush could not afford.

Worse, it appears now that acquaintances of Hussein may take possession of the apartment and are not friendly to Bush (in fact, Bush has turned over the keys to a friendly party, but continues to occupy the premises and may do so for years). "It's sad really," said Tony Blair. "We meant well... except for the killing, of course."

Bush continues to maintain his innocence by self-defense. "Saddam was a bad guy," he said after his initial hearing. "And my loved ones are safer today now that he is gone."

However, reports are that Hussein's friends and neighbors have vandalized Bush's car and made death threats against him and his family, suggesting that the Bushes are not as safe as they had hoped they would be.

"I told him it wasn't a good idea," said Bush's father.

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