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Quickie movie reviews 2003,
episode 1: the phantom menace
2004.10.24 — Entertainment | Movies | Movie Reviews | by Andrew Cole
Catch Me If You Can. [source] |
Looking back on the year that was 2003, I find that I saw a lot of good movies and bad, and wrote a lot about them before Tysto existed. I wrote these to entice friends and co-workers to attend the regular Tuesday night movie, which was called The American Film Studies and Dressage Club (we never got around to holding a dressage event). Relive with me now the year that was 2003....
We started 2003 by shaking off the wintery chill with a few Oscar contenders and saw our choices dwindle as spring approached and a young man's fancy turns, as it does, to thoughts of summer blockbusters.
This is part one of a three-part series. Look for "Episode 2: the quickening" and then "Episode 3: 3-D."
In this episode:
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
Catch Me If You Can
Expect precious moments of lonely introspection and father-and-son-like chats interspersed with wacky hijinks accompanied by early pop music. |
The American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie for tonight is Catch Me If You Can, a clever early-1960s romp starring Leonardo DiCaprio as a precocious teenage forger/imposter and Tom Hands as a pudgy FBI agent assigned to track him down.
Based on the true story of Frank Abagnale, the film is directed by Steven Spielberg. Expect precious moments of lonely introspection and father-and-son-like chats interspersed with wacky hijinks accompanied by early pop music.
The dressage competition for next week is canceled due to the recent mysterious disappearance of several horses en route to the annual Bermuda dressage exhibition.
Verdict
Run—don't walk—to see it.
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
This week's American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie is The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, starring Elijah Wood, Ian McKellen, and 100,000 computer-generated monsters.
Directed again by Peter Jackson and written by his wife and her partner, this is the second of three installments, altho talk of doing The Hobbit is rampant. In this episode, the fellowship has broken up, Merry and Pippin are captured, and the orcs threaten the people of Rohan and Gondor simultaneously. Meanwhile Frodo and Sam push further on toward Mordor with the Ring, guided only by the duplicitous Gollum.
So it's a lot like Jackass, but with orcs. |
The film is a heavy-hearted romp through a world of pain and suffering, punctuated by moments of loss and grief, but is ultimately relieved by a triumphant ending that nevertheless foreshadows additional destruction. So it's a lot like Jackass, but with orcs. Expect several Oscar nominations.
Next week's dressage exhibition is canceled owing to an apparent government mix-up which has called some of the horses to active duty in the US Army cavalry reserves.
Verdict
Best. Sequel. Ever.
The Gangs of New York
This week's American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie is The Gangs of New York, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Cameron Diaz, Daniel Day-Lewis, and some of the biggest freakin' hats you have ever seen in your life. I mean these hats are so big you could live inside one. Seriously. Also: huge mustaches. In fact, the mustaches alone may win an Academy Award.
In fact, the mustaches alone may win an Academy Award. |
So, If you love giant hats and huge mustaches, don't miss it!
Also, the plot involves some 19th-century gangs and riots and people shouting about "the damned Irish." Loosely based on a (more or less) true story; written and directed by Martin "I 
New York" Scorsese.
Next week's dressage exhibition is postponed indefinitely due to a sudden fear of "mad horse disease" (equine spongiform encephalopathy), a disease recently made up by Fox News.
Verdict
Come for the hats. Stay for the mustaches.
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
The American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie for this week is Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, the heart-warming tale of a television game show producer who becomes a CIA killer at the same time that his career is propelling him to stardom as the host of The Gong Show. The true (wink, wink) story was directed by first-time director George (you know me as an actor) Clooney and stars Sam (no, you've never heard of me) Rockwell as Chuck (wouldn't you like to forget me?) Barris. Supporting are Drew Barrymore as his best girl, George Clooney as Barris's CIA handler, and Julia Roberts as George Clooney's friend who is doing him a big favor by appearing in this movie.
...Julia Roberts as George Clooney's friend who is doing him a big favor by appearing in this movie. |
For those who don't know or remember The Gong Show, it was a "game" show hosted by dorky white guy Chuck Barris (not rock-and-roll inventor Chuck Berry) in which contestants showed off wacky "talents" for a panel of "celebrity" judges.
If the contestant was extremely bad (they were all pretty bad), a judge would stand up and strike a gong to stop the performance. Typical shows included Gene Gene the Dancing Machine (a dancing stagehand) and The Unknown Comic (a hack comedian who appeared with a paper bag over his head).
Next week's dressage competition is canceled owing to a collapse in the arena restrooms that has opened a dimensional portal to another universe. A plumber has been called.
Verdict
Funnier and cleverer than I imagined... unless I was just imagining it.
Chicago
The American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie for this week is Chicago, a story of lust, jealousy, murder, and courtroom theatrics set to music by Bob Fosse. The film stars Renee Zellweger, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Richard Gere and was directed by first-timer Rob Marshall (who is no relation to sibling directors Penny Marshall [A League of Their Own] and Garry Marshall [Pretty Woman]).
Next week's dressage exhibition has not been canceled, but it has been converted into an all-you-can-eat Spam sandwich buffet in the parking lot outside Hobby Lobby.
A few weeks later....
...the heart-warming story of two women struggling against the odds in a man's world to get away with murder. |
Back by popular demand for the first time in American Film Studies and Dressage Club history is Chicago, the heart-warming story of two women struggling against the odds in a man's world to get away with murder.
Renee Zellweger is Roxie, the put-upon would-be singer-dancer who kills her lover in an angry rage. Catherine Zeta-Jones is Vera, the suddenly-solo nightclub-sensation singer-dancer who kills her cheating husband and her sister/partner in a jealous rage. Richard Gere is a blind lawyer who takes on hardship cases and fights crime in a red leather suit—wait, wrong movie—he's a shyster lawyer who takes on celebrity cases and fights justice in a silk suit.
Rounding out the cast are Queen Latifah, John C Reilly, and several of the best pairs of legs Hollywood has to offer. God bless America.
Thirteen Oscar noms, including Best Picture, Best Actress, Best Director, and Best Underwear Worn as Outerwear.
Next week's dressage competition has been canceled to celebrate the safe return of Answer That, the 3-year-old filly who was kidnapped 9 months ago and was recently found wandering the streets with a homeless street preacher and his wife.
Verdict
Best. Musical. Ever.
Daredevil
Like any lawyer, Daredevil is unsure whether he is a hero or a villain.... |
Attorney Matt Murdock was blinded as a child by terrible chemicals that also enhanced his other senses—including strength, agility, and some kind of wacky sonar! Now he prowls the night streets as Daredevil. This American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie is the dark and compelling story of a vigilante (Ben Affleck) and a superheroine, with an unhealthy attachment to her dead father (Jennifer "Alias" Garner).
Like any lawyer, Daredevil is unsure whether he is a hero or a villain, but true villainy raises its fat, bald head in the form Kingpin (Michael Clarke "Green Mile" Duncan) and also its pale, beady-eyed head in the form of Bullseye (Colin "Minority Report" Farrell).
Based on the popular (but not very popular) Marvel comic book hero, the film is directed by Mark Steven Johnson (whose only previous directing credit is Simon Birch) and from a screenplay co-written by Chris Columbus (director of Harry Potter movies, writer of The Goonies and Gremlins).
Reviews are very good, many using words like "comicbookolicious," "Garnerific," and "Afflecktastic."
The dressage competition for next week is postponed to allow for a review of the rules regarding non-horses in the competition. Last month's winner, Champion Spotted Bertrand Give-a-Little, was apparently not a horse but was, in point of fact, a very large dog of the Great Dane variety.
Verdict
Fun while it lasted, but wobbly. Affleck is good, but not really Afflecktastic.
Cradle 2 the Grave
Look for kung fu, gun fu, car fu, and a bomb with a digital countdown and easily-accessible color-coded wires!!!!! |
In a plot stolen from my upcoming book How to Write an Action Movie Without Really Trying (chapter 4: "Retrieve a Person or Object"), this week's American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie is Cradle 2 the Grave. It's an all-out race against time when Hong Kong martial arts guru Jet Li teams up with rough-and-ready urban rap star DMX to rescue DMX's daughter from kidnappers who want the gang's haul of diamonds!!!! When will criminals learn not to kidnap little kids and hold them for ransom of a fortune in diamonds???? One might ask the same question of mad bombers who put digital countdowns on their bombs and easily-accessible color-coded wires, cutting any of which will disable the bomb!!!!! (chapter 5: "Stop a Person or Monster.")
It's directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak (insert your own Polish name joke; I thought of several) who proved he could point a camera in the general direction of actors in Romeo Must Die and Exit Wounds. Look for kung fu, gun fu, car fu, and a bomb with a digital countdown and easily-accessible color-coded wires!!!!! Listen for heavy metal rap, pounding bass, and more foul language than a shipful of sailors could muster in a whole day—except for Jet Li, who may have as as many as six lines of dialog!!!!
Next week's dressage competition is canceled—just @#$%ing canceled, &*^%$&@#$%@#!!!!!!! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Verdict
Oh, the humanity....
The Hours
Written by a man and directed by a man... from a novel by a man, this quintessential women's film stars Nicole Kidman.... |
The American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie for this week is The Hours, a thrilling tale of depression, confusion, lost freedom, and emotional blackmail that spans 75 years between the writing of Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway and the two people who actually eventually read the book.
Written by a man and directed by a man (Stephen "Billy Elliot" Daldry) from a novel by a man, this quintessential women's film stars Nicole Kidman in a Cyrano De Bergerac nose as writer Virginia Woolf, struggling to finish the novel; and Meryl Streep and Julianne Moore as readers in different eras, struggling with similar issues and finding comfort and inspiration in Woolf's angst.
The film is up for several Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Actress... and Best Chance of Being Stomped by Chicago. |
The film is up for several Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Director, Best Nervous Breakdown, and Best Chance of Being Stomped by Chicago.
The dressage exhibition scheduled for this week is canceled so that the horses can attend readings of Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway.
Verdict
Didn't see it. Didn't want to see it. Won't ever see it.
Shanghai Knights OR Old School
In a split sadly mirroring the larger controversy in our society today, there will be two separate American Film Studies and Dressage Club films for this week. This is not a double feature (heaven forfend*) but a mutually-exclusive choice between two equally-compelling candidates.
Presented in reverse alphabetical order:
-
Shanghai Knights, a costume comedy sequel set this time in Victorian Jolly Old England and featuring two fishes-out-of-water in the persons of Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson (the younger, blonder, more likable, less talented brother of Luke Wilson). This odd couple buddy team must travel from the Old West to Old Blighty to rescue Chan's sister and a sacred Chinese seal (official stamp kind, not the aquatic mammal kind). Chan once again puts the "act" in "action" and the "log" in "dialog." Guaranteed kung fu, gun fu, and horse fu.Chan once again puts the "act" in "action" and the "log" in "dialog."
- Old School, a campus comedy starring Vince Vaughn, Will Farrell, and Luke Wilson (the older, darker, less likable, more talented older brother of Owen Wilson) as immature post-college adults whose lives have proven unfulfilling and who yearn for the freedom of college fraternity life. This odd-couple buddy team starts their own fraternity, a la Animal House. Farrell channels John Belushi; Vaughn channels Tim Matheson; Craig Kilborn does a cameo. Guaranteed T&A **.
"If you like this kind of movie; then this is the movie for you." |
These films have received tepid critical response but close to 7 stars out of 10 each on the Internet Movie Database, proving once again the old adage: "If you like this kind of movie; then this is the movie for you."
This week's dressage competition is postponed so the horses can go to a birthday party for Total Monopoly, an appaloosa gelding who turns six on Friday (cake and pop provided; no gifts over ten dollars, please).***
Footnotes:
* Ward off; protect against.
** Da hootie and da booty.
*** Total Monopoly is a rare appaloosa gelding mule. Apparently, horses all turn a year older together: January 1 in the northern hemisphere, August 1 in the southern hemisphere.
Verdict
Opted to see Shanghai Knights. It was fun, and a bit funnier than Shanghai Noon, I thought, but Owen Wilson's snarky take on cowboys made it more farce than adventure. Still, I bought the bad guy's stunt sword on E-bay.
To be continued....
That put us smack in the middle of the springtime movie-going doldrums.... Would summer rescued us? Could we wait out the "deeply-personal" indy flicks and vanity projects? Find out!
f e e d b a c k
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