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The Food Network’s dirty mind

2004.10.26 — Business | Television | Satire | by BB Rodriguez

Cook naked

Not Jamie Oliver. [source]

I don't cook, and I don't care much about cooking, so I don't watch the Food Network. But with satellite TV, I can't help but see it in the lineup. The one thing I've noticed about the Food Network is that more than half of their shows have titles that could be titles of pornos.

Now, maybe I have a dirty mind. In fact, probably so. But it seems hard to believe that the marketing geniuses at the Food Network haven't noticed the double entendres they're serving up in their schedule.

In a way, the Food Network actually is like porn in that it's single-mindedly devoted to satisfying one of your basic desires. I'm not the first to notice a connection between food and sex, but the Food Network takes it a step closer to private fantasy while coyly pretending to be somehow educational.

Sure, I imagine there are people out there who watch these shows and then prepare meals based loosely on them, but some people watch porn to get practical ideas too (you can fit that in there?). Most do not. Most watch and watch and watch and never get past the fantasizing.

Mmmm.... wild mushroom ravioli with butter and parmesan sauce. Oh, baby....


The Naked Chef

Streetwise and passionate about food, Jamie Oliver is at the cutting edge of modern sex and modern cooking. With his principle of stripping down recipes—and guests—to their bare essentials, Jamie cooks with maximum fervor.

Everyday Italian

Gorgeous Giada De Laurentiis is tricked into a bet to bed a different one of her countrymen—or countrywomen—every day. Mama mia!

The Barefoot Contessa

Contessa Ina Garten meets earthy dancer Maria... and they get it on.

Easy Entertaining

Michael Chiarello loves to find inventive ways to entertain his friends. His parties are casual, easy to plan, and always revolve around steaming hot group sex.

Date Plate

What do you get when you take 2 eligible bachelors (or bachelorettes), give each a $50 shopping budget, and ask them to plan and cook a romantic meal in hopes of winning over a blind date? Hardcore sex! They didn't nickname it DP for nothin'!

$40 a Day

Perky Rachael Ray takes a tour of Europe, sampling scenery—and signori—of the Continent. How far does $40 a day go? All the way!

Sara's Secrets

Shy author Sara Moulton explores the inside secrets that sex professionals use to satisfy their customers... and her!

Good Eats

Alton Brown is a handsome anthropologist who explores the origins of and customs surrounding oral delights.

Paula's Home Cooking

Bored with small-town life, saucy Paula Deen sets about seducing the local males with delicious home cooking and raunchy, pulse-throbbing sex... until the local ladies come around looking for a taste!

The Secret Life of Candy

Candy's a good girl... as far as her family knows!

Food Fight

It's a fast paced battle between two teams with nothing in common but their love of food and the fact that they're wearing sandals—and nothing else! Hell's Angels smear strawberry glaze on soccer moms, grandmas splatter baked beans all over high school home ec students, Junior League ladies show a construction crew the virtues of maple syrup.

Boy Meets Grill

Bobby Flay adds a new twist to grilling in his new video, Boy Meets Grill: he serves his female guests his own hot sausage!

A Cook's Tour

Adventurer Tony Bourdain travels travels to more than a dozen countries in search of rare, legendary, and sometimes dangerous women....

Sweet Dreams

Saucy Gale Gand knows that cravings come in all flavors, so whether your idea of heaven is a dark, dense chocolate stud or a melt-in-your-mouth vanilla hunk, Sweet Dreams will have you hooked!


Unwrapped uncovers behind-the-scenes details on the nude modeling industry. Studly newsman Marc Summers explores the sets and samples the merchandise.

The Surreal Gourmet

Whether raunchy restauranteur Bob Blumer is serving up co-eds to clients in Copenhagen or preparing cute Japanese dishes for Tokyo tourists, the unusual techniques he uses—from whipped cream bikinis to licorice lingerie—leave his guests in awe.

Tyler's Ultimate

Bon vivant Tyler Florence roams the globe in search of people with taste and refinement. His goal? Mindless hot sex with as many women as possible.

Passion for Dessert

Jacques Torres is a magazine writer who embarks on a journey to learn the secrets of the finest artisanal pastry and candy makers in the world—all female; all very passionate about their work....

Oliver's Twist

An orphan boy from London grows up to make his way among the society swells, and everyone from musicians to fashion models to magicians is invited back to Jamie Oliver's flat for an orgy they'll never forget.


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