Quickie movie reviews 2003,
episode 3: 3-D

2004.11.07 — Entertainment | Movies | Movie Reviews | by Andrew Cole

Now we were in it. Mid-summer blockbusters were flying fast and furious. Could we skate past the clunkers and scoop up the gems? Only time would tell!

(Answer: no.)

This is part three of a three-part series. Surely you didn't miss "Episode 1: the phantom menace" or "Episode 2: the quickening." Did you?

In this episode:

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life

Pirates of the Caribbean

SWAT

Runaway Jury

The Matrix: Revolutions

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

Timeline

The Last Samurai

The Missing

Something's Gotta Give

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life

As the summer winds down to a leisurely pace and romantic comedies start falling like autumn leaves, the American Film Studies and Dressage Club is left with the last of the big-budget blockbusters, the dubiously-punctuated Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life.

This follow-up to 2001's Lara Croft: Tomb Raider again stars Angelina Jolie in the title of role. This time, she is on the prowl for the legendary—nay, mythical—Pandora's Box, the box that once held all things evil, which Pandora let out; yet she shut the lid soon enough that Hope did not escape, and so the world was saved. Not to worry, tho; like all movies, this one butchers the ancient story and processes it into easily-digestible McSausages.

For one thing, like all ancient mythical artifacts, this one will become a weapon of unimaginable power in the wrong hands, so look for dialog like "We can't let them get their hands on it!" and "There's no time to lose! We must get it back!"

Jolie is assisted or hindered by the usual collection of allies and villains, including the returning Chris Barrie* as her butler, and Gerard Butler as her returning lover. Ciaran Hinds is the villain, and Simon Yam appears courtesy of the US-Hong Kong Villain Exchange Program as his partner in crime who—I'm guessing—knows kung fu really well.

The film was directed by Netherlander Jan De Bont, who is better known as a cinematographer but can boast of directing The Haunting, Twister, Speed, and Speed 2, if "boast" is really the right word to use. It was written by Dean Georgaris, a mysterious writer who has no other credits, yet has four other screenplays in big-budget production. That's the deal I'm going to ask for when I go to Hollywood.

The dressage competition for next week is being reworked at the request of MADD into a "quiet video presentation on the dangers of drunk driving" followed by non-alcoholic refreshments (horses welcome, not preferred).

Footnote

* Gratuitous Chris Barrie plug: Chris Barrie starred as Arnold J Rimmer in the second-greatest British comedy series ever: Red Dwarf.

Verdict

Silly and predictable, even nonsensical in parts. I wasn't fond of the first one, and I'm not fond of this one. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to see the next one....

Pirates of the Caribbean

Avast and ahoy! Shiver me timbers! Batten down the hatches! Hoist the mains'l! Swab the poop deck! Keelhaul the mizzenmast! Pirates of the Caribbean is the American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie of the week. The film stars Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, and a motley crew of pirates so foul that Disney recently toned down the antics of their animatronic figures in its theme parks (pathetic but true).

Supporting Depp and Rush are Orlando Bloom (Legolas the elf from Lord of the Rings) and Keira Knightly (the blond from Bend It Like Beckham) in a murky story about good pirates who meet up with bad pirates who are cursed and try to save a noblewoman from a fate worse than death. (Ever notice that nobody ever tries to save a serving wench from a fate worse than death?)

This movie is not to be confused with the similarly-titled-and-recently-released Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas, which stars Brad Pitt and Catherine Zeta-Jones and which looks like a Disney animated film but is actually from Dreamworks SKG, the people who brought you Shrek, Antz, Chicken Run, Prince of Egypt, Road to El Dorado, Mouse Hunt, and several other movies you thought were from Disney.

Pirates is directed by Gore Verbinski, who has built his career out of a few meager successes: Mouse Hunt, The Mexican, and The Ring. The full title of this effort is Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, so just the fact that he has dared to leap from two-word titles to a nine-word title deserves some praise. Likewise, the mere fact that an American film about British people includes many actors who are actually British is good news (not the stars, of course, they're American and Australian, respectively, but you can't have it all).

The dressage competition for next week has been postponed because the keystone fell out of the main arch and killed the governor-general. A Gypsy curse is suspected.

Verdict

Scarier and more fun than I was counting on. Depp is brilliant, but Rush matches him eccentricity-for-eccentricity. Not deep, but a lot of fun. Bloom has a thankless role... and shouldn't be thanked for it.

SWAT

SWAT, this week's American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie, stars Samuel L Jackson, LL Cool J, Michelle Rodriguez, and—taking full advantage of his soul-for-fame deal with Satan—Colin Farrell.

SWAT is the heartwarming tale of a Los Angeles special weapons and tactics (SWAT) team of misfits that must be rehabilitated by a veteran returning to the field. So it's a lot like The Bad News Bears in cop uniforms, with Samuel L Jackson in the Walter Matthau role and Colin Farrell in the Jackie Earle Haley role (that makes Michelle Rodriguez Tatum O'Neal and LL Cool J the fat kid).

Also, a drug dealer in the team's custody offers $100 million to anyone who breaks him out of jail (this is substantially different from the plot of The Bad News Bears).

The film is directed by Clark Johnson, who is best known as Detective Meldrick Lewis from TV's Homicide: Life on the Street. It is based on the 1970s cop show of the same name, which had the absolute coolest theme music ever. It is adapted by newcomer Ron Mita.

Since this is an ensemble cop movie, look for the following cop-movie clichés.

• Good cop gone bad
• Hookers, strippers, and long-suffering wives
• The young maverick who must prove himself
• The angry police captain who threatens to pull the heroes badges
• The inconvenient truck, which backs out into the middle of a police chase
• The unfortunate fruit stand, which gets creamed in said chase
• The legend of the dead cop father, murdered by his crooked partner
• The cool cop living beyond his means

The dressage exhibition for next week has been canceled owing to a violent police raid in which several horses were gunned down because, a police spokesman claims, "they were carrying cell phones that looked a lot like handguns."

Verdict

Absolute hack work.

Runaway Jury

For the the American Film Studies and Dressage Club weekly movie, a widow's wrongful death lawsuit against a big corporation is up for grabs when a jury consultant squares off against an independent-minded juror and an independent woman claiming that she represents the Runaway Jury—and that it's for sale to the highest bidder. Justice hangs in the balance in this courtroom drama that takes place mostly outside the courtroom, with a dangerous cat-and-mouse game in the New Orleans French Quarter that ends—I'm guessing—in an all-out race against time.

From the latest John Grisham* novel (where the corporation was a tobacco company instead of a gun manufacturer), the film stars John Cusack, Rachel Weisz, Dustin Hoffman, and Gene Hackman's scowl.

It's directed by Gary Fleder, who comes from TV and proved it with Kiss the Girls, Don't Say a Word, and a couple of other by-the-book thrillers. The novel was adapted by some relative newcomers and a former writer for The West Wing and Six Feet Under. Don't expect sweeping vistas of widescreen magnificence—with this much TV experience among the crew, I'd expect three sets, a laugh track, and maybe even breaks for commercials.

It's getting great reviews, tho, largely for the bold performances from the players and the climactic scene in which Hoffman and Hackman beat Cusack unconscious with their Oscars.

Please note: All dressage events are canceled until further notice, by order of the Office of Homeland Security.

Footnote

* Other John Grisham adaptations:

• The Firm
• The Pelican Brief
• The Client
• The Chamber
• Earnest Goes to Jail **
• A Time to Kill
• The Rainmaker
• The Gingerbread Man

** Okay, not really.

Verdict

Tense and slick, but a bit hollow. Everything seems a little forced. Hackman chews the scenery like a pro, but there's not enough red meat. Still, better than the average courtroom drama.

The Matrix: Revolutions

The Matrix series comes to its thrilling (tho possibly temporary) conclusion with The Matrix: Revolutions, the latest American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie. The saga chronicles the heartwarming story of a young man in a dead-end office job who discovers that he alone can save the world from enslavement by robots and computers. Meanwhile, I'm still working on clearing up yesterday's paper jam.

Returning to reprise their roles are Keanu Reeves as pluck hacker-turned-messiah Neo, Carrie-Ann Moss as femme fatale Trinity, Lawrence Fishburne as mentor-who-is-probably-going-to-die-in-this-one Morpheus, and Hugo Weaving (AKA That Important Elf Guy in The Lord of the Rings trilogy) as Agent(s) Smith.

The plot picks up from the previous episode, wherein Agent Smith revealed that he is Neo's father; Trinity turned out to be his sister; they were betrayed in the city of Zion by Cypher, and Morpheus was frozen in carbonite.

Once again written and directed by the Wachowski brothers, this episode takes us into the robot attack on Zion, the last human city, as more humans awaken from their nightmarish existence that looks an awful lot like our own, into a world that is even worse (gee, thanks, Neo). More incredible special effects are launched; more confusing secrets are revealed; and more impenetrable dialog is spoken. Plus, we finally get to learn if Neo is in fact The One or if perhaps it is someone else (my guess, as always: a talking monkey).

Verdict

What the living hell? No sense. No fun. No talking monkey.

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

This week's American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie is Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. Rigidly following the new MPAA rules that say all films must now have a colon in their title and feature at least two Australians, M&C: tFSotW is a thrilling high-seas adventure starring Russell Crowe as British Navy captain Jack Aubrey, circa 1800.

The film is based on the popular series of Aubrey-Maturin novels by Patrick O'Brian (good books I recommend to anyone who ever wanted to know the amount of weevils a sailor ate along with his bread).

In the first of what is likely to be a series of adventures that follow Jack from commander to admiral, Captain Aubrey commands the HMS Surprise, hunting down an enemy frigate and finding a different—and much larger—ship altogether. The story is based on a true incident in British naval history (horribly twisted to suit the filmmakers' tastes, of course). The film is adapted and directed by Aussie Peter Weir (The Truman Show, Green Car, Dead Poets' Society, Witness) and features a youthful, mainly-British cast that largely avoids anyone but Crowe having to fake an accent.

Early reviews are full sail and large, with a ripping pace at 14 knots and steady as she goes.

Verdict

Great adventure. I'm a big fan of the books, tho, and was disappointed to see the story begin with Aubrey and Maturin (and the rest of the crew) already well-acquainted and aboard ship. Getting to know them as they get to know each other and their ship is half the fun. (Master and Commander is book 1 and The Far Side of the World is book 10, set years later.)

Timeline

The American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie of the week is Timeline, the heartwarming story of a group of archeology students who travel back in time to medieval France to rescue their professor (and who better to go rescuing people than archeology students?). They get caught up in grand battles and courtly intrigue and end up, in all probability, in an all-out race against time.

It stars several people who didn't have much leverage at salary-negotiation time. Maybe you know Paul Walker from The Fast and the Furious and its sequel. And maybe you'll recognize Neil McDonough from TV's Boomtown. And you might remember Billy Connolly as the Scottish Mr. Kotter in TV's Head of the Class. But maybe not.

The film is based on a novel by Michael Crichton, like several other Hollywood blockbusters like Jurassic Park, Sphere, Congo, Disclosure, and The Andromeda Strain. His actual screenwriting credits are even more uneven and include Twister, ER (television series), Runaway, Looker, and Westworld. "Wait!" you say, "Runaway? With Tom Selleck and Gene Simmons of Kiss?!" Yes, that Runaway.

The movie is directed by Richard Donner, who gave the world Conspiracy Theory, Assassins, Maverick, Radio Flyer, The Goonies, Scrooged, Ladyhawke, The Omen, Superman 1 and 2, and all four Lethal Weapon movies. He's like the drunken father you never had: tough to hate; tough to love.

Since it is a time-travel movie, look for outrageous leaps of logic, nonsensical time travel devices, and the implication that someone might be his own great-great-great-grandfather. And since it is set in a time before the invention of gunpowder, look for someone to invent gunpowder.

Verdict

Totally conventional... where it isn't completely incompetent.

The Last Samurai

The American Film Studies and Dressage Club film for the week is The Last Samurai, starring Tom Cruise as a cavalry officer who travels to Japan after the American Civil War. Cruise trains imperial troops in the use of Winchester rifles against the remaining samurai who opposes the emperor.

Things take a turn for the weird when Cruise is taken prisoner by the samurai and learns their mysterious and noble ways and becomes a geisha*.

Cruise is supported by Japanese actor Ken Watenabe as well as William Atherton and Tony Goldwyn (two guys you're sure to recognize and hate instantly from their many other villain roles). Those still recovering from Timeline should note that Billy Connolly also makes an appearance.

The film is directed by Edward Zwick, who showed he knows his way around the 19th century and military men with Glory, Legends of the Fall, Courage Under Fire, and The Siege. Some have suggested that Cruise could be nominated for an Academy Award (which would be his fourth loss, since Ian McKellen is going to clean his little movie-star-boy clock).

Footnote:

* I may have that wrong.

Verdict

Great movie up to the final scenes. Total cop-out Hollywood ending.

The Missing

This week's American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie is The Missing, starring Cate Blanchett and Tommy Lee Jones. It is the heartwarming story of a single mother struggling to make ends meet, reuniting with her long-lost father, and trying to find her oldest daughter... who has been abducted by psychopathic Indian white slavers with mystical powers.

Okay, it's not really heartwarming; it's more spine-chilling; and did I mention it takes place in the Old West?

Jones plays the rough old father who ran off with Apaches, and Blanchett plays the angry and wary, then desperate and determined, woman searching for her daughter. The twisted and frightening Indian mystic is played by Eric Schweig (who, despite the name, is a genuine Indian, altho probably not twisted, frightening, or mystical).

Essentially a re-imagining of the John Wayne classic The Searchers, the film is directed by Ron Howard, hot off A Beautiful Mind (and not so hot off How the Grinch Stole Christmas), who draws a tight, suspenseful, chilling picture of life in 19th-century Indian country.

Verdict

Tingled my spine. Raised my hair. Did not curdle my blood: it wimped out on the cruelty. Where's the fun in saving someone from a fate worse than death if it's only an eventual fate worse than death?

Something's Gotta Give

This week's American Film Studies and Dressage Club film pick is Something's Gotta Give, the heartwarming story of an old guy dating a young chick whose old lady isn't hip to the notion until she meets a young dude.

Jack Nicholson is the old guy; Amanda Peet is the young chick. Diane Keaton is the old lady; and Keanu Reeves is the young dude with Metamucil fever.

In the traditional way, circumstances conspire to shock and embarrass, with the expected resulting bare bottoms of various sorts. The film is written and directed by Nancy Meyers, who gave us The Parent Trap and What Women Want and (with then-husband/partner Charles Shyer) wrote similar post-modern baby-boomer neurotic farce in the Father of the Bride, Baby Boom, and Irreconcilable Differences. This is a woman with relationship issues.

Verdict

Didn't see it. Not my kind of movie. Let me know how it comes out.

Actually... don't.

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

The greatest epic ever filmed* comes to a close with Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, the first American Film Studies and Dressage Club movie of fiscal year 2004.

Once again, we follow our heroes Frodo (Elijah Wood) and Sam (Sean Astin) trudging thru Mordor toward Mount Doom to dispose of the One Ring. Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin meet up with Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimly again for the final showdown against the Witch King and the other minions of Sauron.

Can they defeat the Witch King, whom no man can defeat? (hint: no) Will Aragorn claim the throne of Gondor? (hint: check the title of the movie) Will Frodo and Sam be betrayed by Gollum? (hint: duh) Will the Shire be saved? And what happened to Bill the Pony?!?!**

Directed again this time by Peter Jackson and written by the same team of writers (his wife and her partner), this third installment was to be the last. However, given the enormous success of the trilogy, it is likely to be followed by a prequel—The Hobbit. Then, who knows? Possibly a fifth film—Hobbits Take Manhattan.

But first, Jackson will re-make King Kong. No lie.

Pack a lunch; this baby is three-and-a-half freaking hours long.

Footnote:

* Saddam Hussein came out of hiding right before the premiere of Return of the King. Coincidence? No way! He was even wearing a Gandalf costume!

** Bill the Pony was the noble steed released by Sam at the gates of Moria, many miles from home and deep in orc country. Frodo touchingly claimed, "He'll find his way back."

Verdict

Awesome, man! Sign me up for half a dozen more!

In retrospect

That's all for 2003. From there on, I started turning the weekly previews into Tysto movie reviews and posting them on this site. Somewhere, I probably have copies of the 2002 previews (Attack of the Clones, Spider-Man, the legendary Scorpion King, and so many more!). Maybe I'll post them eventually.

Episode 1: the phantom menace

Episode 2: the quickening

f e e d b a c k

Respond to this page by your e-mail client. Please be sure to mention the title of the article.

s i d e b a r