|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Is there a Santa Claus...?
2004.12.24 — Culture | Satire | by Derek Jensen
|
One down, five to go. |
Every year, newspapers around the country try to answer the perrenial question: Is there a Santa Claus? I'm here to tell you that Santa Claus is absolutely real, he lives in a hidden ice-cave at the North Pole, and he has a sleigh and flying reindeer that he uses to deliver toys at Christmastime. But don't get your hopes up. You're not getting anything.
Newspaper writers always try to finesse their answers with pithy aphorisms about Santa being inside all of us. Of course, they always sidestep the logistics of one man flying from house to house, squeezing his portly form down chimneys, and leaving presents for millions, perhaps billions of girls and boys. Even if you buy the idea of flying reindeer, the sheer improbability of delivering all those presents makes Santa unbelievable. But when you do the math, you see thats it's not so improbable after all.
But when you do the math, you see thats it's not so improbable after all. |
There are about six and a half billion people in the world, but how many are Christian? About two billion. And how many of those are children? In America, there are 53.3 million children (5 to 17) out of a total of 290 million. That's about 18%. Since Christian populations coincide fairly well with Western nations, we can use this figure to calculate that there are about 360 million Christian children in the world.
Okay, and how many of those Christian children actually believe in Santa Claus? Saint Nick naturally doesn't bring presents to children who don't believe in him. I estimate not more than about one fifth. So that's whittled it down to 72 million. That's still a lot of presents to deliver in one night, right? Well, not every believing Christian child gets a present.
So, how many... children who believe in Santa Claus are good all year? All year...? |
Only the good ones.
So, how many of those 72 million Christian children who believe in Santa Claus are good all year? All year...?
About six.
That's it. Just .000008%. It's ridiculous to imagine Santa Claus delivering millions and millions of gifts in one night, but just six? No sweat. Heck, most of them are probably in Canada, and that's not even that far from the North Pole. Think about it. He makes a list and only checks it twice? There must not be many names on it.
Think about it. He makes a list and only checks it twice? There must not be many names on it. |
A giant toy bag holding millions of toys? Nope. Thousands of elves slaving away for 364 days to get ready? No need. Santa probably only works three weeks a year. He checks his list the second time, packs half a dozen Etch-a-Sketches, and pops off for a couple of hours. Home by six, dinner's in the oven, put your feet up.
Merry Christmas, Santa.
f e e d b a c k
[an error occurred while processing this directive]