Saddam escapes! Disguised self as bin Laden

2005.01.24 — Government | Terrorism | Satire | by Derek Jensen

Saddam Hussein escaped captivity in Iraq yesterday—reportedly by disguising himself as Osama bin Laden. Officials are being closed-mouthed about how such an event could have ocurred, and the US military is investigating the matter. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has said, "Hey, these things happen. You can't have everything. I'm an old man. Stop asking me hard questions."

The US military unit in charge of watching Saddam admits to leaving a bin Laden Halloween mask and camouflage jacket in the area where the former dictator was being housed. "We'd had some fun with it at Halloween," said Lance Corporal Burt Smoot. "But he didn't seem to think it was funny at the time. I guess the joke's on us."

Saddam apparently donned the costume in a bathroom and slipped out by pretending to take out the garbage. "We have a lot of nationals who help clean up the place," explained Smoot.

Said General Sam Markeise, "He knew we'd been having an awful lot of trouble finding UBL [the military's designation for 'Usama bin Laden'], so he seems to have taken advantage of that. Frankly, I think it's kind of unsporting."

Commanders on the ground were more chagrined. "The fact is, we just weren't looking for him [bin Laden] in this part of the world," explained Colonel Jay H Klingermeyer. "Honestly, I had forgotten all about him. I don't think I would recognize him if I saw him on the street. Tall guy, right? Wears a beard?"

The Iraqi interim government made the embarrassing announcement in the early morning hours, US eastern time, during the critical 2 AM window that Tivos are calling the central office for updates, thus ensuring that even most American reporters would miss it. Plus, admits Wolf Blitzer of CNN, which covered the announcement live, "We back-burner most news stories after about six hours, so by 8 AM, it seemed like old news. In fact, we had a custom graphic and theme song by 3 AM and did an in-depth follow-up exposé at 4 AM. Confidentially, I think we were a little too far ahead of the curve on that."

Tysto apologizes to Mr. Blitzer for printing comments meant to be kept confidential. —Ed.

The White House has so far declined comment, but a statement is expected sometime before the end of the month. Congressional Democrats were less shy. Senator Bezial Hoofus (D-SC) was quoted as saying, "This is bizarre. Is this real? Are you kidding me? Why didn't I hear about this? My staff Tivos CNN 24 hours a day."

Meanwhile, Iraqi officials are sanguine. "We will find him, don't you worry. We know what Osama bin Laden looks like. Wait.... You don't think he's changed clothes, do you? Because we don't really have a lot of police to go looking for him. We've suffered a lot of... turnover lately."

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