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All pope, all the time

2005.04.23 — Business | Television | Religion | by BB Rodriguez

Pope John Paul 2

Johnny Deuce. [Tysto mod of source]

This is part one of a two-part article. Look for part two.

The pope died recently, in case you hadn't heard. I wouldn't blame you if you hadn't. The coverage has been very low-key. Newsweek has only done two cover stories on it so far, and it's only been on the cable news channels about 20 hours a day. The Michael Jackson trial is getting the other 4 hours a day. So, you know, you might have missed it.

I don't watch 24-hour news channels much anymore. I don't have to. I know what will be on them. Lately, of course, it's the old pope/new pope story. Jeez, you'd think everybody in the world turned Catholic all of a sudden.

I'm not Catholic, and I couldn't give a rat's ass about the pope. He was a decrepit old man with a stubborn will to cling to outdated misinterpretations of Christian philosophy, presiding over an organization that has done more harm to the world than any tyrannical dictator in history. And the new pope seems likely to carry on his legacy.

And it's a nasty, ugly legacy.

  • Divorce? No, no, no; God's plan is for you to live in misery.
  • AIDS epidemic? No condoms, please; that might also prevent precious births.
  • Homosexuality? Go to hell, pervert!
  • Clerical pedophilia? Take two, they're small.
  • Abortion? No; raise your bastard in shame, harlot!
  • Jewish Holocaust? Okay, but keep it on the down-low.
  • Religious terrorism? Only if they're Protestants, Paddy.

  • Think differently? You're a heretic!
    No parents? Welcome to our filthy, brutal orphanage.
  • Science? Sorry, the earth is center of the universe.
  • Think differently? You're a heretic!
  • Conquest and conversion by the sword? Great idea!
  • Committing a horrible sin? Buy an indulgence!
  • Witches? Burn them!
  • Morbid, fake artifacts of saints? Two piastres a peek!
  • Spanish Inquisition? Via con Dios, muchacho.
  • Black death? Absolution is just a generous contribution away.
  • Crusades? Give hell to those heathens who worship the same god as us in a slightly different way.

 

The worst thing about Pope John Paul the Deuce was his hypocritical attitude toward arbitrary traditions. He claimed that women couldn't become priests, that priests couldn't marry, and that divorce was impossible, all based on arbitrary Catholic traditions.

He churned saints out so fast that he accidentally canonized an Eskimo sled dog, a piñata, and a couple of Buddhist monks.

Yet he blithely refashioned the centuries-old process for canonization and created more saints than all the other popes in history combined. He churned saints out so fast that he accidentally canonized a Buddhist monk, a piñata, and an Eskimo sled dog.

To be fair, Saint Mukluk was a great hero to his tribe.

No, wait. The worst thing about Johnny Deuce was that he knowingly harbored confessed pedophiles and allowed them to be reassigned where their predilections were unsuspected and therefore could continue for years.

Yeah. That's way worse.

 

Why do 24-hour news networks beat a story to death? Check out part two.

 

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