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He who would pundit would pick a pocket

2005.06.06 — Business | Television | News | Satire | by BB Rodriguez

Bill O'Reilly

Part of the problem. [official site | site that thinks he sucks]

I used to watch all the news I could. When I was in college in 89, I would watch the evening news on one network and then catch the evening news on another network that happened to be delayed a half hour locally. My roommates thought I was nuts. I tried to point out that the Berlin freaking Wall was coming down.

So I was excited, naturally, about 24-hour cable news, especially with more to choose from as new networks followed CNN on the air: CNN Headline News, CNBC, Fox News, MSNBC. I thought they would be able to burst out of the network news straightjacket of 6-minute reports that barely scratched the surface of their subjects and give me in-depth, PBS-like 60-Minutes-style news reporting.

I really hoped that, as news is the "first rough draft of history," 24-hour news channels would have time and resources to write the second draft.

Fat chance, junior.

Somewhere along the way, my dream of meaningful, insightful news whenever I wanted it drained away. I watched all the new channels and found that they were... all the same....

All the time.

Oh, they have different viewpoints. Fox is unabashedly conservative. MSNBC leans that way. CNBC wobbles back and forth. CNN clings desperately to objectivity (and often ends up just looking naive—I'm lookin' at you, Blitzer).

No news is... punditry

There is more opinion on these channels than there is news. They should be called 24-hour opinion networks.

But where is the insight? Where is the investigative reporting? Sure, they have pundits. Good God, do they have pundits. There is more opinion on these channels than there is news. They should be called 24-hour opinion networks. But punditry is the exact opposite of investigative reporting. Instead of finding facts, you just ask some big-mouth dude his opinion. Every show is "a unique look at today's headlines." No show is "uncovering the big story you're soon going to be sick of when the hacks have gotten on board."

Only CNN attempts any in-depth special reports. And even then it's generally on the topic of the day, like how much it sucks to be a soldier in Iraq. Other than that, every 24-hour news network runs the same handful of 6-minute reports all damn day. Even a top-40 radio station plays 40 different songs, for petesake.

The news crawl at the bottom of the screen doesn't count. It might as well say, "We're sorry that we're talking about one story all day again today. Here are some unrelated news-ish morsels off the wire services that aren't worthy of the attention of actual human news readers.... Britney Spears is pregnant!... Rocker Tommy Lee was arrested again...."

[G]ive them something to whine and opine about—and they will never shut up.

And God forbid they get hold of a bone. Give them OJ, JonBenet Ramsey, Scott Peterson, Michael Jackson, the Pope—give them something to whine and opine about—and they will never shut up. They will roll from one "show" to the next (actually just one talking head to the next; there's no difference in the shows themselves) and talk about the same damn thing.

"That's all we have for you tonight on Mostly Opinion Show #12 with Brent Lockjaw. To summarize: Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson. Tune in tomorrow when we will go in-depth into the Michael Jackson case... or as deep as we can sitting in a studio just spouting off our opinions. And stay tuned for Mostly Opinion Show #13 with Mary Selfrighteous."

"Thanks, Brent. What a show we have for you tonight: Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson."

"Thanks, Brent. What a show we have for you tonight: Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson."

I recently saw a story on CNN saying that Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen has erected a company to invest 1.6 billion dollars in building power plants in Bangladesh in hopes of improving life there. Great story. Total length: 20 seconds. Think you'll ever hear a follow-up? Ha! The news cycle is too long on something like that. It requires a long attention span, continual but infrequent follow-up, and provides little payoff. "Bangladesh citizens slightly better off! Third world sucks slightly less! Hurray!"

That's not news. After all, how can pundits choose up sides and debate it?

 

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