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Assassins for Jesus
Join the religious right's fastest-growing mercenary movement today!
2005.08.28 — Culture | Politics | Satire | by BB Rodriguez
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Pat Robertson, general for Jesus. [source] |
Wondering what to do with your life? Feeling lost and alone in the world? Like the idea of killing people but not interested in getting your arms and legs blown off by booby trapped children's toys in Iraq? Join Assassins for Jesus!
Pat Robertson wants someone to kill Hugo Chavez. He wishes he hadn't said it in public, but he still thinks it's a good idea.
He'd also like someone to kill a couple of Supreme Court justices. He calls it "Operation Supreme Court Freedom." Get it? It's just like "Operation Iraqi Freedom." Let's bomb, invade, and decapitate the leadership of the judicial branch! He just uses the words: "praying for vacancies" instead of "Will no one rid me of this troublesome judge?!"
UPDATE: "Thyroid cancer" my ass! Assassins for Jesus takes out Renquist! Stevens, you're next!
Ann Coulter needs a lot of help invading other countries, killing their leaders, and converting them to Christianity, because she sure as hell isn't going to get her hands dirty herself.
He calls it "Operation Supreme Court Freedom." Get it? ... Let's bomb, invade, and decapitate the leadership of the judicial branch! |
Zell Miller may need some help killing Chris Matthews because he's a sour old man and, frankly, Matthews could probably take him in a fair fight.
And, of course, almost everyone on the right wants Muslims killed more or less indiscriminately. And maybe Mexicans too.
You can help!
Joining Assassins for Jesus will help make the world a better place. Joining Assassins for Jesus will put you on the fast track to heaven. Joining Assassins for Jesus will ensure that people who don't like America (Jesus's favorite country; that should be obvious) die and go to hell. They're going anyway; you can help send them there faster!
And if you die in service to God, you'll be served by 72 perpetual virgins in heaven! Wait— wait, that might be a different religion. Jesus don't pimp. |
And if you die in service to God, you'll be served by 72 perpetual virgins in heaven! Wait— wait, that might be a different religion. Jesus don't pimp.
Regardless, the point is that pretty much all right-thinking types understand that it is completely ethical to kill people you think are bad, whether it's a covert operation against one irritating dictator or a preemptive invasion and complete re-building of his country... as long as the end result fosters democracy (of the right sort). And if the people don't want real democracy for, say, women, then hey, that's a type of democracy too, and that's almost as good.
So join Assassins for Jesus and find your place in the new world order by killing people your party leaders or televangelists don't like. And if you toss in some abortion clinic doctors or prominent homosexuals, Assassins for Jesus in not going to complain.
UPDATE: POW! Assassins for Jesus puts the smackdown on Ariel Sharon! Feel the fury of our ricin-tipped umbrella, holy land divider!
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