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Canada invades! Feds leave defense to state and local governments
2005.11.09 — Government | Hurricane Katrina | Satire | by Derek Jensen
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Sleepy, scenic Vermilion, Ohio on Lake Erie, shortly before being crushed under Canadian jackboots. [Tysto exclusive] |
Citing "tricky Constitutional legalities" and a general belief in states' rights, Scott McClellan explained today why, seven days after Canadian troops crossed the border into the United States, the federal government still hasn't come to the aid of beleaguered northern states.
It is the federal government's position that it is the responsibility of state and local governments to hold off the invasion in Duluth and Grand Forks until the federal emergency assistance forms are filled out and processed.
Jennifer Granholm, governor of Michigan, did fill out the forms requesting "soldiers" but acknowledged that she did not specify what sorts of soldiers she was requesting from Washington.
"Nobody told me that I had to request that," Ms. Granholm said. "I thought that I had requested everything they had. We were living in a war zone by then."
[S]tate and local governments [must] hold off the invasion... until the federal emergency assistance forms are filled out and processed. |
Said a White House official who spoke under a dark cloak:
Well of course you have to specify what sort of soldiers you want. First of all, just the fact that you call them "soldiers" means that you're asking specifically for Army troops and not Marines. We had plenty of Marines ready, if only she'd asked, but she wrote "soldiers" on the form.
Of course, they'll have a tough time fighting off hockey-mad huns with more than half their National Guard troops overseas fighting for the federal government, but, hey, that's their problem. No one forced them to live in an invasion zone.
Regardless, the White House contends, the idea of an invasion seemed absurd only a few weeks ago.
[FEMA] explored surprisingly accurate projections of a possible invasion by a hypothetical northern neighbor called "Pamada." |
"I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the border," George W Bush said. Critics quickly pointed out that the Canadians have been hunkering on the northern border for 150 years and a 2004 FEMA exercise explored surprisingly accurate projections of a possible invasion by a hypothetical northern neighbor called "Pamada."
All is not lost, tho, the feds maintain. Emergency aid is on the way.
"Considering the dire circumstances that we have in Detroit, virtually a city that has been destroyed, things are going relatively well," said FEMA director R. David Paulison, whom the president calls "Pauly."
"Pauly, you're doing a heck of a job," the president said in a photo opportunity in front of military helicopters that weren't being used to repel the foreign invasion.
Michael Chertoff, head of Homeland Security, said:
"Well, I think if you look at what actually happened, I remember on Tuesday morning picking up newspapers and I saw headlines, 'Detroit Dodged the Missile.' Because if you recall, the invasion moved to the west and then continued on and appeared to pass with considerable damage but nothing worse."
To the contrary, most US newspapers carried headlines such as: "Foreign Invasion Lays Waste to Northern States, Per Frequent Warnings." |
In actuality, no major newspapers carried such a headline. To the contrary, most US newspapers carried headlines such as: "Foreign Invasion Lays Waste to Northern States, Per Frequent Warnings." And "Detroit Pretty Much Destroyed by Missile." And "Where Have You Gone, George W Bush? A Nation Turns Its Lonely Eyes to You [Woo, Woo, Woo]."
The devastation was felt all along the border, but perhaps nowhere more so than in Sault St Marie, which was nearly destroyed completely.
Should Sault St Marie be rebuilt? They've known for decades that they live in a bowl practically surrounded by Canadians. House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) made plain the argument against:
"It makes no sense to spend billions of dollars to rebuild a city that's seven miles from the Canadian border on three sides.... It looks like a lot of that place could be bulldozed."
[T]he Canadian military has sent some of its own troops to help repel the invasion. |
In the end, it may be Canada itself that saves the US. Canada's liberal social policies and bottomless charity giving have already sent millions in foreign aid to help clean up the aftermath. And the Canadian military has sent some of its own troops to help repel the invasion.
"They're so polite," said Bette Heckyl of Lansing of Canadian military advisers. "It's hard to believe they invaded. Well, not 'they.' I mean the other Canadians they're helping us to fight." She added, "But even those Canadians are nice. They took my brother prisoner, and he was able to get his teeth fixed for, like, a ten dollar co-pay."
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