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Veep backs abortion: what if it’s a ticking time bomb?
2005.12.02 — Government | Law | Satire | by BB Rodriguez
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Dick Cheney explains why the CIA needs the option of sodomizing fetuses with flashlights. [Source] |
In a surprise move, Dick Cheney announced on Fox News Sunday that he opposes a new Senate bill banning abortion. Cheney explained that, in particular, the CIA needed to keep the option open in case of extraordinary circumstances. Asked what those circumstances might be, the vice president explained.
What if this woman, this pregnant lady, was about to give birth to the Antichrist? And I mean at any moment? That's a ticking time bomb, you know, and, ahh, if you don't stop it, that baby is going to end the world. So we need to be able to have the maximum flexibility to, ahh, terminate the fetus in that event. It's a serious matter that I don't think those who support the bill blindly have considered.
Host Chris Wallace asked "But isn't abortion fundamentally wrong? It stops a beating heart." Cheney replied:
Well, what we do isn't really abortion. You see, what the Secretary of Defense has authorized is the use of stress positions and invasive examination techniques until the, ahh, the pregnancy cooperates and terminates voluntarily.
[W]hat the Secretary of Defense has authorized is the use of stress positions... until the pregnancy cooperates and terminates voluntarily. |
Altho Wallace begged him not to, Cheney continued:
You see, our rules strictly prohibit causing the fetus actual organ failure. That needs to happen naturally, such as when the fetus has, ahh, been doused with freezing water several dozen times and bound tightly with a pair of women's panties or... ahh... sodomized with a flashlight. Most fetuses give up and cooperate after just a few days of that.
"Senator John McCain has said that abortion is ineffective and un-American." Cheney was resolute.
Un-American? I don't think so. We've been aborting fetuses in secret for generations. And ineffective? Hah, not the way I do it.
Un-American? I don't think so.... And ineffective? Not the way I do it. |
In fact, even today, the CIA is suspected of running secret abortion camps outside the US in abortion-friendly countries. Some speculate that these "wet sites" are the undisclosed locations that the vice president frequently flies off to.*
Wallace examined the practice compared to the policy by asking, "But these techniques are not being used just on potential Antichrists, right? They're pretty broadly applied, aren't they?"
Well, Chris, we need the authorization to use abortion-like procedures in the event of a potential Antichrist, but as long as we have the authority, we may as well use lesser techniques, ahh, whenever it might be useful.
"These lesser techniques are still effective?" Wallace asked. "When are they appropriate?"
You know, there are severe birth defects, ahh, deformities, gayness.... All these things, we've found, respond well to what we call "termination encouragement techniques."
Wallace pressed the vice president. "But couldn't these 'termination encouragement techniques'—which, by the way, have been condemned by international human rights organizations—couldn't they get out of hand sometimes and actually become real abortion?"
Cheney was philosophical:
Well, you know, Chris, there are always going to be a few bad apples...ahh.... Thank God.
* Notes
An earlier draft of this article mistakenly used the phrase "slithers off to."
f e e d b a c k
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