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Tysto acquires General Motors

2006.01.07 — Business | News | Satire | by Derek Jensen

GM

GM, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Tysto. [Source]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE — ALL OUTLETS

The executive staff of Tysto announced today the acquisition of General Motors Corporation for a reported $7,800 and an undisclosed number of shares in any future public offering of Tysto stock. The venerable automobile and electronics company had been ailing for several years, its debt had been downgraded to junk status, and it was allegedly on the verge of bankruptcy. Rumors of a Chinese buyout had been floating around for weeks. Said financial observer Steve Forbes, "This acquisition might well have saved the tradition of baseball, apple pie, and Chevrolet from the 'Red Chinee.'"

Derek Jensen, editor-in-chief of Tysto, announced that GM will become a wholly-owned subsidiary of Tysto.com, Inc. Tysto's editorial staff will take on additional positions as heads of the various divisions.

  • Buick, Chevy, Pontiac, and Opel... will be merged into a single division called "Buchepontel."
    Derek Jensen will head Hughes Electronics and Cadillac.
  • Wegal Pinsky will head Buick, Chevy, Pontiac, and Opel, which will be merged into a single division called "Buchepontel" and will produce a new version of the Corvair.
  • Barton Castor will head Hummer, GMC, and GM Defense.
  • Mark Beckstrom will head Saab and Saturn, which remain separate but share the slogan "Try something adequate."
  • Roland Grant will head Holden and Vauxhall, which will be renamed "Voxhal."
  • Andrew Cole will manage Tysto's new foreign interests, namely 50.9% of Daewoo, 20% of Suzuki, 12% of Isuzu, and 8% of the proceeds of all crummy-car jokes.
  • Samson D. Liela will manage the various other existing divisions, such as Allison Transmission and GM Electro-Motive, which manufactures diesel-electric locomotives.
  • BB Rodriguez will develop and head a new "Lowrider" division.
  • The slogan "genuine GM parts" will be sold to Hyundai.

 

"Our plan is to make it into an innovative, quality-oriented company again, like it was in the—I don't know—1930s?"

A Q1 2004 startup, Tysto has earned a reported $30 from ad revenue and other sources as of January 1, 2006. When asked how a tiny Web-based opinion/analysis magazine could acquire a multinational corporation, Jensen replied, "Apparently, our offer of almost 8 Gs turned their heads. We're going to be heavily leveraged for a while, but we're confident we can turn GM around. Our plan is to make it into an innovative, quality-oriented company again, like it was in the—I don't know—1930s?"

Rik Wagoner, outgoing head of GM, agreed. "Tysto's editorial staff is an enormous talent pool of smart and creative people. GM's leadership saw that and realized we wanted to be on the Tysto team."

The Tysto website underwent a reorganization at the first of the year when the technical staff archived stories from 2004 (its startup year) to make space on main pages for 2006 stories. The move was smooth, on time, under budget, caused no outages, and broke no links to existing articles. "We feel its a clear indicator that the Tysto model is working and that Tysto management is the right team to lead General Motors into the 21st century," Wagoner said.

 

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