Tysto predicts the future

2006.01.15 — Culture | News | Satire| Future | by Tysto

Once again, the wheel of time has revolved its full measure and turned another year into ash, smoke, and memory. Rather than a year-end look back at the stories of 2005, Tysto puts on its thinking cap, gazes into its crystal ball, pores over the quatrains of Nosferatu or whatever his name was, opens the "Best of New Gadgets" issue of Popular Science, and tries to predict what will happen in the year to come. We give you: the Tysto Year-Start Look Forward.

Already in 2006, we've seen some interesting developments....

Proving the menace of unlicensed foreign drivers in America, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was revealed to be an unlicensed motorcyclist after an accident that left him with him several stitches in his face. He then threatened to deport himself, then bribed himself not to.

Samuel Alito, Bush's next choice for the Supreme Court, was revealed to have listed a right-wing Princeton club that tried to keep women and minorities out of the university on his 1985 resume but now claims he doesn't remember participating. That leaves three possibilities: lying resume padder, lying bigot, or bigot with a terrible memory.

It was revealed that Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby, which they plan to name "Jennifer Brangelina Pitt" if it's a girl and "Billy Bob Brangelina Pitt" if it's a boy.

Bob Ney will join Tom Delay and Randy Cunningham and lose his leadership role in Congress for corruption. Bush will seek to add the "pot-bellied Congressional Republican" to the endangered species list.

So let's peer into the future....

Tysto

By the end of the year, we will come up with a better name for next year's Tysto Year-Start Look Forward. Maybe "Tysto Year-Start Look Forward Spectacular." [DJ]

Tysto will get a big story on MSNBC, which will introduce a trickle of Web traffic. Barton Castor will be invited to be a guest on a Fox News show, which will cause a huge influx of traffic that overwhelms our ISP's server. [BC]

Andrew Cole will write a book/multimedia CD combo: On Adventure: Great Movies Deconstructed, which will enjoy moderate success. [AC]

Jason Botwick will write a book: Empire of Pigs and Clowns: The Rise and Fall of the American Pseudocracy, which will become a best-seller that no one actually reads. [BBR]

Frank Stobie will learn to pronounce "Tysto" correctly with a short i sound. Or else. [DJ]

Business

At least 2 major airlines will merge (Delta-United? American-Continental?). [MB]

Virgin-Hooters? —Ed.

The federal government will bail out a major airline and turn it over to the US Postal Service to manage cheaply and efficiently. The slogan "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays this carrier from the swift completion of its appointed rounds" will be rejected in favor of the snappier "Go Postal!" [BBR]

Mergers and deals will consolidate the wireless phone industry to greatly improve service and to stave off the emergence of Internet-enabled wireless phone service. Sprint coverage in Barton Castor's area will still suck. [BC]

Breakthrus in electronic displays will make paper-thin, flexible computer monitors, televisions, signs, and e-books common. [DJ]

As laptops become the standard (now with paper-thin displays), multiple major computer manufacturers will stop making desktop computers at all. [DJ]

Ford or GM will continue to sustain crushing losses and be forced to divest/shut down significant operations or go bankrupt. [WP]

Well, it can't be GM. We just bought them, and we're going to make them a world beater. Folks, watch for the Saturn Accidento and the Chevy Camaro Uglenta! —Ed.

At least one CEO will receive $100 million in salary/bonus/stock this year; Congress will wring their hands and make a lot of noise, but will secretly seek donations and a seat on the board from the fat cat and eventually do nothing. [MB]

Update: Yes! The snaggletoothed Lee Raymond, CEO of Exxon-Mobil retired with an outrageous compensation package of $400 million, engendering ire from all camps. To be fair, that's only $150 after the plastic surgery he plans to have to make him look less evil.

US unemployment will start to boil up as the manufacturing sector loses critical mass and goes into a freefall within two years and US currency plummets. [WP]

Economic growth in China and India will stagnate due to worldwide chaos. They become unhappy with the situation and choose to form an alliance to conquer the world within six years. [WP]

To escape the US economy and embrace our new Asian overlords, Wegal Pinsky will move to India to be a screenwriter in Bollywood. [WP]

Government

Democrats will win the Senate and narrow the gap in the House of Representatives after at least three top GOP honchos go to prison for corruption. [DJ]

Update: Sadly, this prediction only partially came true. WE WON IT ALL, BABY! —Ed.

The insurgency in Iraq will calm down enough for GWB to pull out large numbers of troops, then flare up again into a near-civil war, but with few attacks aimed at Americans. [BC]

The more quickly we pull out of Iraq, the more the Democrats will complain that the Republicans are softening on foreign relations and national defense. [MB]

Iran & Syria (and Russia?) succeed in destabilizing Iraq, and the Middle East is engulfed in war, sending oil prices through the roof. [WP]

The center of civil unrest will move from Muslim countries to communist countries (specifically Vietnam and North Korea) and the US won't know how to respond (since we've already been there and lost). [MB]

US government, in a desperate bid to stave off civil war, will choose to invade a random oil-rich country to get more oil in and get all the unemployed, pissed-off people dead or at least out of the country. [WP]

Hillary Clinton will be re-elected senator from New York. Bill Clinton will continue to groom himself for the role of first lady. [MB]

A single-payer healthcare system will be piloted by US government in some segment of population within 2 years. [WP]

The military? —Ed.

The White House will try to cover up the leak that the president has a serious health problem by reminding everyone that the vice president has a serious health problem and that doesn't bother anyone. [BBR]

Dick Cheney will use failing health as a reason to resign the vice presidency, and Condoleezza Rice will be named as his replacement, positioning her for the 2008 Republican nomination. [MB]

Donald Rumsfeld will retire as secretary of Defense; Wolfowitz will be named as his replacement. To replace Wolfowitz: Ted McGinley. [BC]

Democrats and Moderate Republicans (McCain?) will push out neo-cons in the next major election. [WP]

Culture

Fidel Castro will die, and Cuba will turn democratic, making a fortune by selling classic cars; Cuba will be the hot tourist destination in the Caribbean, and Cuban cigars will become passé. [MB]

Several major US cities will implement city-wide wireless broadband for free. [BBR]

The Gates Foundation will be tainted by a minor scandal, which will be positioned as "insider" trading related, but will turn out to be groundless (but the shame will live on). [MB]

Global climate change will begin decimating, slowly but surely, coastal cities in the US and elsewhere. On the bright side, tourism to the Midwest will rise. [WP]

I'll start printing the "What happens in Peoria stays in Peoria" banners. —Ed.

MySpace.com will replace Craigslist and Yahoo as favorite destinations. [MB]

BB Rodriguez will learn what the hell Craigslist and MySpace.com are. [BBR]

Death from AIDS in African nations will increase by 25% and it still won't be perceived as a serious problem by western nations. [MB]

There will be a Columbine-type incident at a high-school reunion, probably in the Midwest at someone's 10th reunion. [MB]

Wegal and I are having our 20th reunion this year.... —Ed.

There will be a lack of hurricanes this year (record low), which the Democrats will blame on global warming, and the Republicans will insist is evidence that there is no global warming. [MB]

We will wish Paris Hilton would fade into the sunset, but her money and the public's fascination with her will linger like her you-can-smell-like-a-common-slut-too perfume. [MB]

The Oprah Book Club will feature at least one children's book and one coffee-table book. [MB]

Entertainment

A last-minute HD DVD v Blu-Ray deal will avert a format war and HD on disk will explode. [AC]

Brad Pitt will adopt Angelina Jolie's kids, but they won't get married (in fact they will split, which will create a whole new type of family unit—co-adopted celebrity offspring [CACOs]). [MB]

After Brokeback Mountain wins numerous best picture awards (but not the Oscar), there will be a spate of high-profile sweeping gay love stories, all featuring "macho" characters (astronauts, football players, police or fire fighters, management consultants, etc.), none of which will be as successful or as well done as the original. [MB]

And then Shawn Wayans will star in Not Another Gay Dude Movie. —Ed.

Wait a minute... "management consultants"?! —Ed.

2006: Year of the little big film. [AC]

Someone will build a drive-in theatre with the largest screen ever; it will be immediately and immensely popular, both from the cinema aficionado crowds as well as horny teenagers; its success will not be duplicated in any other location. [MB]

Derek Jensen's favorite show, Mythbusters, will be inexplicably canceled, just like Derek's 2005 favorite show, Arrested Development. [DJ]

Ashton Kutcher will continue his geeky rip-off cross-over shows (Beauty and the Geek) with such wanna-be-hits as Dancing with Geeks and American Nerd. [MB]

George Lucas will release a 10-disk super DVD Star Wars collectors edition, combining all the footage from the six Star Wars "series" and some more ramblings about how it was his idea all along to have a back-story that featured a buddy picture with Jake Lloyd as Anakin Skywalker and the frog-like Jar-Jar Binks. We will all want to believe him. [MB]

The DaVinci Code movie will not enjoy the same level of success as The DaVinci Code book (because it won't be as good). [MB]

LeBron James: movie star. [BBR]

f e e d b a c k

s i d e b a r