Tysto exclusive! Bin Laden on the ports deal—with exclusive audio!

2006.03.23 — Culture | Terrorism | Satire | Audio | by BB Rodriguez

I got this freaky phone message the other day on my cell phone. I didn't know what to make of it. The caller claims that he is Osama bin Laden and he goes on and on about the ports deal and about this woman who is this neice of his who is going to do a reality show. It's weird. He apparently thinks he called Air America Radio and he's leaving a message for Al Franken. Why? Osama says he was listening to Al's show and heard him talking about the "port thing," so maybe that's the only reason he called Al instead of, say, Bill O'Reilly. Actually, he probably doesn't listen to O'Reilly. That guy's an ass.

Anyway, I transferred the audio to my computer and converted it to MP3, so it's available here as an exclusive.

The audio is not great, so here is the full transcript:

Hi Al. It's, uh, Osama bin Laden. Um.. I wanted to tell you. I was listening about the port thing, and, ah, you know— the Dubai ports deal. And I, ahh, I wanted to stick up for these guys from the UAE, you know, the emirs of the United Arab Emirates. And, they— they— these guys were good friends of mine for a long time, you know, good pals... hung out... uh, grilling the kababs, you know, and whatnot....

But not anymore. We had quite a falling out, and we just, uh, you know, they— they are— they are no longer my allies. They are now allies of, uh, of the, uh, the, uh, American infidels, uh, like yourself.

And the thing is, here, um— kind of a long story, but, um, anyway, we, you know, they— they often came to hunt with me. You know that, right? Well, you know, we were out hunting one day, the, uh, Afghanistan grouse, and, um, well, long story short, you know: my second in command, um, shot one of them in the face... with a shotgun.

Uhh, total accident, uh, [inaudible] no alcohol... no alcohol involved, you know. We're good Muslims, uhh. But, um, ehhh, you know, we had a few Dr. Peppers, [inaudible] that's all. That's all we had, and um— Actually, I had a beer for lunch... um... myself. Ah, that was all, tho, That was all.

And anyway, well, my second in command, he, um, his name is, uh, Sadik al-Cheni. He's a good guy. I did not, uh, ask him to step down, or, you know, have him murdered in his sleep or anything like that. But the— the UAE— those guys, decided, you know— We parted ways, basically. It was a amicable parting. Um, little [inaudible] heated discussion there at first, of course. you know: who should have announced, uh, his presence as he returned to the shooting group... You know how [inaudible] when you hunt, there's a thing— But ultimately, the guy with the gun is in charge of who gets shot, you know. [laughs] You can't— You can't—

But anyway, Sadik al- um— Sadik al-Cheni, he made a clean slate. He went on the al-Jazeera and did the interview, um, you know, with, uh, the journalist, um, Brit Hummus, um, and he sort of told his story and really— really came clean about this. We all feel much better now.

Also as long as I have you here, [inaudible] mention here of this woman who is, ahh, who is a relative of mine. I will not soil the airwaves by, um, [clears throat] by pronouncing her name. I will call her "Fatimah," just to— [inaudible] "Fatimah" is an honorable name. And I will, uh, just refer to her that way.

Anyway, so, she calls me up to tell me that she's going to do this reality show, you know. She wants to be a model and all of this— Well, I keep in touch, you know. I try to keep in touch, you know. Family is family, you know that, Al.

Her real name is Wafah Dufour; she's his neice... and she's a singer and a pretty hot model. She dropped the "bin Laden" part of her name (her father was Osama's brother-from-another-mother), but you can bet the PR sharks are talking it up to snag some of that juicy bin Laden buzz. And yes, she's doing a reality TV show.

Anyway, she's calling me up, and I tell her: "Don't do this. Please, Fatimah, don't do this; don't. You will disgrace the bin Laden name. Become the black sheep of the family, as it were." But, um, we say, in the Arabic, the "black goat" of the family. And I— I— she said [inaudible], "You're not with the times, Osama. This is the 21st century," in the— in the infidel calendar.

But, um, so I asked my wife... one of my wives— Tammy Faye... umm— I know— the "Tammy Faye" It's like the Tammy Faye Bakker. I know. She gets a lot of ribbing— believe me, [laughs] I tell you. [inaudible] But I assure you, they spell it completely different. Uhh, the Tammy Faye Bakker, she spells her name with the [inaudible] and my wife Tammy Faye spells her name with the [inaudible]. You know, that— in the Arabic. That's the Arabic spelling, of course. In the English, they are spelled the same, actually.

Tammy Faye Bakker is remarried and goes by Tammy Faye Messner now or just Tammy Faye. She's barely remembered in America nowadays. Osama must be kind of out of touch to think that's all that funny.

But I asked my wife what she thinks about this, and, uh, she— she agrees with me, of course. She agrees with me... because she's a good Muslim woman... who, um, I beat relatively frequent— frequently.

Um, and, so I go back to Fatimah. I say, "Look Fatimah, you— you can— absolutely you cannot do this. I forbid it!" And, uh, she tells me, basically, fankly, "Osama," you know, "Go screw..." frankly. I mean, uh, you know. No— no pun intented on "Al Frank— Franken."

Anyway, emm, so [inaudible] I just wanted to say that, ahh, I'm not going to lay down the fatwa on her head yet. I'm gonna— I'm gonna watch a little bit, you know. See exactly how the modeling goes, 'cause, uh, maybe, you know, it's not so bad. Maybe she keeps the burqa on the whole time, or something. But if she's— [inaudible] I see some pictures of her, you know, scantily clad, that has got to stop, I tell you right now. Ehhh, you know, I'm looking at those pictures, and I'm getting unclean thoughts, frankly. And that's disgusting, even to me, uhh, that's [inaudible] really something.

Anyway, I wanted to just, you know [inaudible] this relative of mine I call Fatw— Fatimah, because, you know, I don't want to soil the airwaves with her actual name.

And— And uh, you know, also, it's okay to have these UAE guys run your ports in America. They're good guys. You know, we had a falling out. They're on your side now. Don't worry a thing about it. So... don't worry a thing about it. Okay?

So, uh, so, thanks a lot, Al for taking the call. Bye.

Phew. That is just freaky.

I used to have a work phone number that was very similar to the phone number for the NCAA. Their area code was 913, and my Chicago prefix was 913, so if a Chicagoan failed to dial 1 first, they'd actually be dialling locally and get me.

People mainly asked if they could use the phrase "March Madness" in a sales flyer or something. Nothing like this.

It gives me the willies.

You know, on second thought, it is kind of funny that Osama's wife is named "Tammy Faye bin Laden."

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