Bush approval at 33%; rethinks decision to invade USA
Rumsfeld: we may be creating more Democrats than we're killing
In the aftermath of polls showing him to have nearly the worst job approval rating ever recorded for an American president, George W Bush spoke candidly for the first time on his decision to preemptively invade the United States. "We've made some mistakes; there's no doubt," he said. "But now we've got to stay there and get the job done. As the Americans stand up, we will stand down."
The president admitted that the justification of stopping the US from using weapons of mass destruction and of bringing democracy to the American people were disingenuous and overly optimistic. "Of course we found huge amounts of WMDs," Bush said. "America was chock full of them. But it now seems unlikely that they would have been used against America's neighbors since, of course, they weren't used when we invaded." "But," he added, "at least there were WMDs. Imagine how dumb we would have looked if we had invaded and found nothing."
He went on to say that, despite the intervention of his administration, the election of November 2004 was a big disappointment. "It resulted in the election of a divisive, corrupt, fundamentalist regime. That's not what the American people need, and I think they're beginning to see that. Thankfully, that's now slowly changing."
The president also conceded that his declaration of an end to major military operations in 2003 was premature and that his choice of the slogan "Mission Accomplished, Courtesy of Jesus and the GOP" was probably unwise.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld admitted that the basic strategy was flawed, as was pre-war intelligence that Americans would welcome the US Army as liberators. "Americans, as it turns out, did not welcome us with sweets and flowers," Rumsfeld conceded. "And now it's clear that a darn big portion of the country doesn't want us here. Why, I've heard six or seven top generals call for my resignation specifically. Imagine that!"
The polls show that not only are Americans opposed to the Bush occupation, but more of them are identifying themselves as Democrats. Rumsfeld admitted, "The truth is: we may be creating more Democrats than we're killing. When the math gets backwards like that, it's time to step back, take stock, listen to the top generals, and make some changes."
To date, those changes don't include Rumsfeld's resignation. "Oh goodness gracious no," the secretary said. "No, we're throwing Scotty to the wolves," he explained, referring to Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "That boy's got to go. Have you seen him getting pummeled by the press? He should be jamming our propaganda down the throats of the American people. If I was press secretary, I'd have 8 to 10 hour press briefings, and there would be no chairs, so they'd be forced to stand the whole time. Scott should be saying 'we have them on the run' even if we don't, because we soon will, I'm sure of it. It's just a matter of time... and money... and human life, of course."
And money and human life have made the war more costly than expected, as Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice confessed. "We planned on invading quickly, driving to the capital, taking out the ruthless dictator, installing a puppet government, and then settling into a long, relaxing military occupation," said Rice. "You know, like we did in Korea."
"But that didn't happen," Rice continued. "Sure we made errors, thousands and thousands of them. Maybe millions—I'm not good with numbers. But nobody ever gets everything they want in life, or deserve. Look at me. I'd like to be married to some guy—a nice tobacco lobbyist, maybe—have a townhouse in Georgetown, raise a couple of kids. Not my own, of course. Gary and I—I call him 'Gary'—we'd adopt a couple of impoverished children from the hills of West Virginia and name them 'Gary Junior' and 'Laura.'"
The president's failings have reduced his job approval numbers to somewhere between President Nixon, who resigned after the Watergate burglary cover-up, and President Hoover, who tried to sell Florida to Josef Stalin.
It threatens to eventually garner him "worst American president" status. "One would think that things couldn't get any worse than that," said historian Beau Delamackelrois. "But actually, after that, he could even become 'worst American leader,' a title long held by King George III."
President Bush reminded his audience that it's not merely the war in the US that turned the American people against him but all his work. "It's also the missteps and flat-footedness of our reaction to Hurricane Katrina. We know that. A lot of people are still mad about that, and that was eight months ago. Of course, many of those people are still without jobs, homes, or food, but still, eight months is a long time to hold a grudge. My father forgave my brother Neil for running Silverado into the ground only a couple of months after the savings and loan bailout."
Still, Bush admitted the unwise and poorly-justified war against America was the primary thing keeping Americans from thinking he is doing a good job. "America believes we're on the wrong track. And we want to get on the right track, see? No more invading countries, that's for sure. I'm swearin' it off," he said. "Well, maybe just one more, but that's it. Sending a bunch of 20-year-olds to invade and occupy a country has been costly, and I don't want to repeat it. So we'll do it different next time, maybe by sending grade-school kids or something... marching bands... I don't know. Rummy will think of something."
Vice-President Dick Cheney was more sanguine and continued to flog the administration's hard line of slightly-flawed success. "There is no doubt that our planning was complete. It's been shown that our strategy was sound. It's been pretty well confirmed that the US was engaged in active planning to invade other nations. Little did we imagine that that country would be us."
Cheney saw the horrors of war up close during a visit to the troops at an encampment in Texas, where he found himself in a firefight and personally fought off a 78-year-old lawyer.
The vice-president defended the policy that led to the decision to invade. "I think our invasion of the US was entirely justified. Anyone who disagrees is either un-American or in league with the Democrat insurgency. Let's face it: the leaders of the United States were ruthless, brutal authoritarians who spied on their own citizens, ignored the wishes and the suffering of their people, and who actively planned military strikes without justification. That's a nation that needs to be forced into adopting Western-style democracy, even if that means bombing them into submission and occupying them militarily for years."
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