Congressman resigns after being revealed as werewolf!

2006.10.05 — Government | Satire | by BB Rodriguez

Hot on the heels of the shocking news of Republican Representative Mark Foley's resignation amid a teen gay sex predation scandal, a new story has broken: Representative Lawrence Talbot (R-OK) has resigned after confessing to being a werewolf. "It is to my great shame that I must confess that I, altho thru no fault of my own, became a lycanthrope and periodically—but not frequently—temporarily lost my self-control and feasted on the blood of innocents," said a spokesman for Talbot, reading from a prepared statement.

Talbot has checked into a rehab clinic in Los Angeles that specializes in the treatment of addiction to the blood of innocents: the G Gordon Liddy Center.

By way of explanation, Talbot's attorney has revealed that Talbot was, as a child, humped by a Saint Bernard. "He kept his shame to himself for 30 years," the attorney said. "Why couldn't these so-called innocents—the ones that survived, I mean—do the same?"

Being humped by a Saint Bernard is likely not the reason Talbot became a werewolf, however. Since Talbot was not bitten by a werewolf, experts say that it is likely that Talbot was infected by eating the flesh of a sheep that had been killed by a wolf or werewolf.

Critics were quick to point out the hypocrisy in the fact that Talbot was the head of the Caucus for Victims of Slavering Monsters. In that capacity, Talbot once said, "We track apparitions of the Virgin Mary better than we track blood-thirsty monsters."

The staff of Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert has admitted to knowing something about Talbot's activities since late in 2005. "The speaker only knew that the honorable gentleman from Oklahoma had 'inappropriate contact' with innocents," a spokeswoman said. "He only just learned that the nature of that inappropriate contact involved devouring them alive."

House Majority Leader John Boehner has admitted that he also knew about Talbot's condition and activities and had been assured by Hastert that it was "taken care of." But it's unclear how he thought the situation might have been "taken care of," since Talbot was still in office, still sitting on the committee meant to help victims of monstrous predators, and still wallowing in gory entrails of the sick and helpless.

Matt Drudge of the Drudge Report has come out squarely against the trickery that seduced the Congressman into feasting on the blood of innocents, perpetrated, as it seems, by the innocents themselves. "If it weren't for their delicious, delicious blood, no self-respecting Congressman—werewolf or not—would be interested in them," Drudge said. "If they weren't so innocent, would anyone even want to devour their succulent flesh?" Critics quickly pointed out that "innocents" are, by definition, innocent.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow offered the official administration statement on the matter, saying, "I hate to tell you, but it’s very, very creepy up there on Capitol Hill. And there have been other incidents of occult skullduggery, as you know, that have been more than simply naughty maulings."

Asked if he would characterize the disemboweling of his own child to be a "naughty mauling," Snow made the sign of the cross and vowed to cut off the head and claws of any monster that "dares try to harm even a hair on the head" of a member of his family and to bury them at a crossroads at midnight. "God curse its filthy soul," he added.

Katherine Harris voiced her suspicion that members of the news media and even Democrats knew of Talbot's taste for disemboweling the helpless and kept it quiet for some reason. This is only the latest in a long string of strange statements and behavior from Harris, whose campaign is suffering from repeated disgusted resignations of top staffers. Some in the news media have come to suspect Harris herself of being a vampire or possibly a ghoul, and persistent rumors suggest she secretly bathes in the blood of infants and woodland animals.

However, in some respects, Harris may have a point this time. It was recently revealed that Fox News had photos of Representative Talbot in wolf form. "He wasn't actually killing anyone and slurping up their gooey innards," said a Fox spokeswoman. "What were we going to do a story on? 'Congressman occasionally changes into wolf-like form and seems overly-interested in the weak and helpless'? That's not news."

Acclaimed occultist Hugo Chavez was not available for comment by press time.

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