|
|
|
|
|
|
|
It’s my duty to warn voters that my opponent is a slimeball
2006.11.04 — Government | Satire | by BB Rodriguez
|
Right for Congress. Right for America. [source] |
A guest article by Ohio's third district Representative Ralph Smollen (R, OH) —
When you go to the polls on Tuesday, I hope that you hold in your heart the same ideals of liberty, spirituality, prosperity, and freedom that I do. It is with a heavy heart and great reluctance that I must report to voters that my opponent does not share those ideals. In fact, my opponent actually kidnaps and sells children in gay drug rings for the purpose of drug-fueled pedophilia porn—a $1.6 billion industry that I have fought against my entire life.
I don't know about you, but I love my children. And I love my parents too. But last year, my opponent killed his own mother with an ice pick and stuffed her remains into a plastic crate and left it behind a Wal-Mart. Why would he do such a thing? He has so far refused to say. If re-elected, I vow to get answers.
[M]y opponent killed his own mother with an ice pick and stuffed her remains into a plastic crate.... |
Another issue dear to me is the sacred sovereignty of our nation and its citizenship. My opponent has unfortunately shown that he has no problem subverting those ideals. In 2002, he was caught smuggling illegal aliens across the Mexican border in the US in the cargo space of a luxury RV while he watched satellite TV and played Grand Theft Auto inside. Many of these aliens paid for their illegal journey by prostituting themselves to my opponent and his friends in occult sex ceremonies involving goats and armadillos.
I promise the people of the great state of Ohio that... I will never violate an armadillo. |
I promise the people of the great state of Ohio that, if re-elected, I will never violate an armadillo.
And what happened the money my opponent made from this venture? State records show that he never reported it as income or paid taxes on it. In fact, my opponent has used off-shore investments in child labor factories as tax shelters for years, never paying more than $300 in taxes despite owning two homes, a German luxury sedan, and a yacht named Bribery Coast.
And he hates the troops, is planning to raise your taxes, fathered an illegitimate black child, fled to Australia to avoid service in Vietnam, and once referred to Osama bin Laden as "a jolly good fellow, once you get to know him personally."
You deserved to know the truth. |
I hate to bring the rhetoric of politics down to the level of personal indictment, but I felt I could no longer conduct my campaign in the casual and upbeat manner I have in the past and let the good people of Ohio think that my opponent was anything other than a mother-hating, child-enslaving, tax-raising, armadillo-raping, yacht-owning, alien-smuggling Osama lover. You deserved to know the truth.
I'm Ralph Smollen, and I approve this message.
f e e d b a c k
Respond to this page by your e-mail client. Please be sure to mention the title of the article.
