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Conservatives baffled by voter rejection
"Does America just hate America? That's treason."
2006.11.08 — Government | Politics | Satire | by Derek Jensen
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Outgoing Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. [source] |
Stunned by defeats across the US even in many districts that are traditionally conservative, Republican leaders are scrambling to explain the rejection of the GOP by the American public in the last year. "I just don't get it," said RNC chair Ken Mehlman. "It's as if Americans are sick and tired of a Congress that gets almost nothing done and which, when it passes legislation, does so in a fiercely partisan way that more or less ignores the laws of science and economics. What gives?"
As it stands now, it appears that Democrats will control the House of Representatives and—when the dust settles—may even have captured the Senate. "What is it with America?" asked bewildered former Montana Senator Conrad Burns. "Do they hate America? Does America just hate America? That's treason."
"We created a prescription drug program for Medicare that virtually guarantees to keep pharmaceutical companies healthy.... What more could we have done?" |
Outgoing Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, who did win reelection, complained, "We did everything they wanted. We passed tax cuts that favored the rich. We started a war to show off our military might. We stopped gay people from being able to make medical decisions for their partners. We gutted environmental controls. We talked tough about illegal immigrants without ever intending to do anything about it. We created a prescription drug program for Medicare that virtually guarantees to keep pharmaceutical companies healthy.... What more could we have done?"
Former Senator Rick Santorum lamented, "Jesus is going to be very mad about this. And believe me, I am going to tell Him. We know whose fault this was: that fruit from the evangelical megachurch. What is it with secretly gay conservatives? Can't they just swallow their shame? I do."
"What is it with secretly gay conservatives? Can't they just swallow their shame? I do." |
Defeated Indiana Representative Chris "The Count" Chocola wandered aimlessly around the mock medieval castle he had had built for his reelection party. "I followed the president blindly on taxes and war and Social Security, and I even wrote the anti-gay-marriage bill. Where did I go wrong?"
Conservative pundit and columnist George Will languidly ate mashed potatoes with his hands. "Don't people realize that conservatism is the perfect economic engine? I mean, all you need is a good family, a good education, a good work ethic, a good job, and a good benefits plan and you can have a great life. And anyone who doesn't have those things doesn't deserve a great life anyway. Helping people only makes them weak." He was then led away by a day nurse.
For his part, self-styled "decider" President Bush reversed his previous decision to keep his embattled secretary of defense and made the decisive decision to fire Donald Rumsfeld.
Rumsfeld has been under attack... by Democrats, Republicans, military personnel, foreign heads of state, occult omens, psychic auguries, and signs in the sky. |
Rumsfeld has been under attack for more than two years by Democrats, Republicans, military personnel, foreign heads of state, occult omens, psychic auguries, and signs in the sky. "This proves the president is flexible," said White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolton. "He is only mulishly stubborn for 18 to 24 months, and then he starts taking advice from his advisers. To be frank, I think the tipping point is when Rumsfeld lost the support of Barney."
Barney is the president's senior Scottish terrier adviser.
Vice-president Dick Cheney was less concerned about the mid-term election than he was about the recent wild fires in the West. "Fire bad!" Cheney said.
f e e d b a c k
Duane L writes:
No, we conservatives were never baffled by what happened; indeed, we saw it coming. That's the price Republicans paid for acting like Democrats for a couple years or so. This will only be corrected by a thorough housecleaning of the GOP itself. The RINOs' place is in the Democrat Party. Period. If that means a few years of Republicans in the wilderness, so be it. In the end, we believe, the public will discern a meaningful difference between the two parties and opt for electing the party that represents what are generally conservative values. They actually demonstrated this preference by tossing out some Republican "moderates" in primaries and electing conservative Republicans as replacements. Did so here in Michigan. They also voted for Dems who at least talked conservative values. I suspect their constituents will hold their feet to the fire, and we'll see some of them give Madam Nancy San Francy a bit of a fight.
Derek Jensen replies:
Thanks to Democrats' embrace of fiscal responsiblity, "conservative values" in this country now means social conservatism—not economic conservatism and certainly not Constitutionalism. And social conservatism is doomed in a free and technologically-advanced society just because it's always 50 years out of date. After all, do you want to stop women from wearing pants, smash rock and roll records, or make black people "stick with their own kind"?
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