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Entire staff of Tysto accidentally elected to Congress

2006.11.09 — Government | Politics | Satire | by Tysto

Derek Jensen

Tysto Editor-in-Chief Derek Jensen [Tysto exclusive]

The vote tallies are in, and—in a stunning turn of events few considered possible and none hoped for—officials have certified that the entire staff of Tysto.com was accidentally elected to seats in the United States Congress. The result was all the more surprising given that no member of the Tysto staff was actually running for public office. "Apparently," said Editor-in-Chief Derek Jensen, "the fact that we are mostly Democrats with a publicly-avowed interest in politics made people assume that we were available as write-in candidates."

Jensen won a seat in Indiana's 2nd district (the fightin' 2nd) in the House of Representatives. "I'll be pushing a corn and soybean agenda, naturally," said Jensen. "And I have some ideas around getting the military to buy Hoosier tires for a new line of Humvees."

Movie critic Andrew Cole won a seat representing California. Wegal Pinsky will now be Senator Pinsky of Virginia, replacing George "Macaca" Allen. Coincidentally, Pinsky's middle name actually is "Macaca."

And horoscope-writer Mark Beckstrom will fill out a seat for Texas as an independent who will caucus with Democrats but attend Republican gossip sessions. Other Tysto writers will represent Arizona, Michigan, Illinois, and also New Mexico, where BB Rodriguez won 105% of the eligible vote, a number likely inflated by faulty Diebold voting machines and unregistered aliens voting illegally on Diebold voting machines.

BB Rodriguez won 105% of the eligible vote, a number likely inflated by... aliens voting illegally on Diebold voting machines.

Even Dudgeon Schist, who lives entirely off-grid—without even a Social Security number, driver's license, birth certificate, or CVS Super Saver Club membership—was elected to represent Montana. "It felt right, I guess," Schist noted. "Montanans... Montanites... whatever... felt the need to dump Conrad Burns. I mean, Jesus, the man hates firefighters. That's just weird."

Barton Castor, Tysto's lone registered Republican, won one of Alaska's Senate seats. "I think Alaskans wanted a change from Ted Stevens," said Castor. "You know, the 'Internet is made of tubes,' guy. But they're too conservative to go Democrat, so I was a safe choice. I'll of course be fighting to open the Alaskan Wildlife Reserve to oil drilling, and also logging, strip mining, commercial fishing, hunting, fur trapping, and whatever you can do with sticks and moss."

 

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