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Tysto’s year-start look-forward spectacular
2007.01.15 — Culture | News | Satire| Future | by Tysto
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Future. |
Once again, the great, never-ending wave of space-time has dashed another year on the rocks of history and brings another foamy, white year to crest. As usual (since last year), Tysto fires up the Predictotron 9000, visits local electronics stores, gazes wistfully out the window of a tall building, and tries to predict what will happen in the year to come. We give you: the Tysto Year-Start Look Forward Spectacular.
2006 was a banner year for banner headlines, including "Tomkat bears Suri; marries in Italy," and "Brangelina adopts most of West Africa," "Britney dumps K-Fed and panties."
The headlines weren't all about celebrity babies and the things they come out of. |
Other stuff happened, tho. The headlines weren't all about celebrity babies and the things they come out of. "Dems punk GOP in mid-term elections" and "Rummy takes a header into ash-heap of history" were good ones. If only we could get Tomkat to marry Brangelina.... Or Britney to marry the Democratic party. Man, what scoop that would be.
And already this year, we've said so long to Saddam Hussein. Of course, that Osama guy is still around somewhere, and Fidel Castro has been lingering in a persistent vegetative state for a while now. Maybe 2007 is their year....
Tysto
We struggle along... waiting for that big break and prepared to pounce on it and bite its head off. Are you listening, break? You are meat! |
Tysto did not get a big story on MSNBC or Fox News, as Barton Castor predicted, and so we struggle along as before, waiting for that big break and prepared to pounce on it and bite its head off. Are you listening, break? You are meat!
Andrew Cole did not write a book/multimedia CD combo deconstructing great films, but he did start an audio commentary section on Tysto, where he has explicated classics like Casablanca and La Dolce Vita as well as the entire Firefly/Serenity oeuvre. What next? Schindler's List? My Dinner with Andre? Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS? Stay tuned!
Update: Total Recall, The 6th Day, and The Sentinel, actually.
Business
Our predictions about airlines (a Virgin-Hooters merger and a US Postal Service airline with the slogan "Go Postal!") didn't exactly come true. But USAir (a.k.a. America West) is looking at buying Delta, which has triggered much discussion about who will be the next targets.
We really dropped the ball—or should we say that the electronic display industry really dropped the ball—on the subject of computers. While paper-thin, flexible computer monitors and televisions are in development, we don't seem any closer to finding them on the shelves, and therefore desktop computers are not really dying out in favor of cheap laptops.
Our dire predictions for Ford and GM failed to come true (altho we hasten to point out that a Ford did pass away) |
Our dire predictions for Ford and GM failed to come true (altho we hasten to point out that a Ford did pass away) but it was big news that Toyota should become the largest car maker in the world this year.
We predicted, perhaps a little too easily, that a CEO would be overpaid, creating a stir. In addition to the snaggletoothed Lee Raymond, who retired with an outrageous compensation package of $400 million, just days ago the CEO of Home Depot, Bob Nardelli, was offered a $210 million separation package. Not bad for 6 years' work.
The freefall of the US manufacturing economy and the rise of Asian supercorporations hasn't exactly happened, but Tom Friedman has been assuring us that the world is flat for a couple of years, so we stand by our prediction.
Government
We predicted that Democrats would win the Senate and narrow the gap in the House of Representatives after at least three top GOP honchos go to prison for corruption. Sadly, this prediction only partially came true. THEY WON IT ALL, BABY! (Get well soon Tim Johnson!) Hillary did keep her seat, and we would admit that that was like predicting ice cream will melt, except that several solid GOP seats flipped in the mid-terms. And she seems to be angling for a presidential run, but Tom Vilsack has already declared—and God knows you don't want to be fighting that Vilsack cult of personality.
As a result of the Congressional takeover, we predict that Nancy Pelosi will succeed in providing more easy ammunition to the Bill O'Reillys of the world. This, coupled with a ridiculous Democratic primarily season, will result in another Republican presidency—but not the war-mongering McCain; rather something far worse, President Newt Gingrich.
We didn't invade anybody else. And as long as we keep Dick Cheney on his meds, we probably won't. |
Our optimistic take on Iraq was sadly misunderestimated. Instead of pulling troops out, W wants to put more troops in. Luckily Iran and Syria didn't go up in flames too, as we suggested, and we didn't invade anybody else. And as long as we keep Dick Cheney on his meds, we probably won't.
For the coming year, we predict that the US will wrestle some sections of Iraq into a state of relative stability while the rest of the country spirals out of control. The affluent, US-held city-states will nonetheless not escape being a constant target for violence.
No further health problems or incidents of mysterious clumsiness have been reported about the president, but we're still betting on a serious health problem. Cheney, of course, could use his health as an excuse to resign at any time. Plus, he can claim that he wants to spend more time with his family, now that his lesbian daughter is going to provide a bundle of unconditional love that he can't get anywhere else.
Donald Rumsfeld did retire, as predicted. And now everything everywhere is all better.
Culture
Incredibly, Fidel Castro is still clinging to life, delaying Cuba's inevitable switch to democratic capitalism and its sale of tons of sweet classic cars.
Not only did the Gates Foundation not suffer a scandal, , but Warren Buffett announced his intention to give $37 billion to it. We wish they would have made the announcement with a kind of comedy routine.
"The Gates Foundation, with a little help from the $15 billion—"
"A little help? How about if I make it $20 billion, Mr. Windows ME?"
"Well that's very generous, Warren. As a junior partner, you—"
"Junior partner!? How much have you put in? $30 billion? How about if I match that?"
As predicted more accurately than The Farmer's Almanac, global climate change has so far produced only an anemic hurricane season and a mild winter. We wish it would get off its ass and start destroying something already. In the absence of global climate disaster, we look for squirrels to start taking over.
Time magazine named "you" as person of the year. "You" were unimpressed by the "honor" and couldn't be reached for "comment." |
MySpace and YouTube, as predicted, became so big that Time magazine named "you" as person of the year. "You" were unimpressed by the "honor" and couldn't be reached for "comment."
Paris Hilton slipped off the front pages of the tabloids long enough to allow skank-in-waiting Britney Spears to flash snatch after dumping hubby K-Fed. Ohh... now we're a little dizzy just writing that kind of crap.
Entertainment
No sequels or mimics of Brokeback Mountain have been announced, despite general public outcry for Hollywood to explore the lesbian angle.
Actually, most of our entertainment-related predictions failed to come true (as opposed to us being wrong, of course). The DVD-replacement format war continues, altho the president insists that we are winning the format war and what we really need is more formats.
One thing we got right, tho, is that The DaVinci Code movie was not as good as the book, mostly because of the Tom Hanks's haircut.
f e e d b a c k
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