Indy is back… uhh… pre-back… back earlier… whatever—in a prequel adventure set one year earlier in Asia, land of mystery and peril! (Before it became the land of cheap toys and tech support.) I compare it to the first and third movies and try to ignore the fourth. I discuss my surprising affection for both Short Round and Willie. I marvel at Lucas and Spielberg’s ability to get child torture into a teen adventure film. (The secret: have a child do the torturing!) I deconstruct the episodic nature of the film and reveal the dullness of the middle part where they’re just trudging thru jungle, playing cards, and getting slightly scared by animals. I discuss the problem of stacking all the action at the end, which of course is related. And I point out which characters are actually of no real value.

 

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James Bond has returned in his fourth adventure, this time facing his deadliest foe yet: Spectre, headed by Blofeld, who wants to hold the world ransom for (pinky to lip) one hundred million dollars! I take the story apart, questioning why no one else notices the clues in the photos all the double-0 agents get, how weird and kind of pointless it is that Bond had a fight with the guy Blofeld hired to deliver his audio taped demands, and how weird and kind of pointless it is that Largo hooked up with the sister of the guy he recruited to steal the nuclear bombs. I marvel as Bond dances on a leg with a bleeding gunshot wound. I blither as nameless, faceless men stab each other under water. And I compare the film to the book and somewhat to the later non-Eon remake Never Say Never Again.

 

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Avast and ahoy, matey! There be monsters here! Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas arise out of the ’80s to attack a defenseless mega shark and an innocent giant octopus with submarines. Join me as I watch this SyFy channel video nasty for the very first time and marvel at the fake buttons, Ed Wood sets, and hot scientist-on-scientist action. I sing a little Debbie Gibson and call Lorenzo Lamas “Fernando Lamas” a couple of times (they’re father and son).

Also, I misquote Jaws* and Jerry Maguire** somewhat.

 

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Join me as I take on the greatest ’80s action movie of all. Bruce Willis gets the crap beaten out of him as New York cop John McClane. Alan Rickman is terrorist* criminal genius Hans Gruber. Bonnie Bedelia is a big-haired, shoulder-padded chess piece. That one bad guy from The Goonies is one of the incompetent FBI guys that we need more of. That vice-principal guy from The Breakfast Club is one of many, many incompetent cops. Reginald Van Gleason Reginald VelJohnson is the guy who eats the Twinkies and is also an incompetent cop.

I discuss the film as a chess match and compare it to the other Die Hard films and other action films of the era and the eras before and after. I examine why parts of the film are terrible despite the whole being a work of unparalleled genius. And I mock the Eurotrash bad guys from time to time and attempt to straighten out the “Shoot the glass” thing.

 

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Will Smith and a colorless, odorless, brunette battle the evil that is slightly buggy computer programming in this thrilling adaptation of none of Isaac Asimov’s thought-provoking works. For this, the big 50th Tysto audio commentary, I am joined by Scott of Speakeasy Commentaries, a big fan of Asimov’s work and an expert on science fiction in general. We stumble thru the introductions and then get right to the heart of mocking the product placement and the idea that this robot-filled, self-driving-car, Lake-Michigan-landfill world is only 31 years in the future of 2004. We explore sci-fi in general and Asimov in specific, as well as how terrible a driver Detective Spooner is and whether or not Doctor Lanning’s cat is a robot, as well as making some Fresh Prince of Bel-Air jokes.

 

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The 1980s was a time when action movies crashed noisily into American culture and seemed to take it over. They created a kind of film that had hardly been seen before; films where cops—for the most part—wreaked holy hell upon bad guys in the name of justice and then made snarky jokes about it.

I love movies and I especially love commentaries. So I got myself a microphone and produced some of my own. This is the master list of all my commentaries.

Alfred Hitchcock presents his first big hit with all the trimmings: the innocent man taking it on the lam, the tough and beautiful blond sparring with him, the quirky humor, and the weird conclusion. Listen as I compare the film to Young and Innocent and North by Northwest, talk about Hitchcock’s early work and developing style, joke about the Scottish stereotypes, and stumble over British currency. Plus, you learn what a “crofter” is. Please note, however, that you will not learn what causes pip in poultry or how old Mae West is. Who am I? Mr. Memory?

 

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The greatest of great apes is trapped by tiny men and dragged to New York, where he runs amok, all for the affections of a dame. I give a little of the history of the production, point out some of the successes and failings, analyze the structure, and mock the stuntman who gets squashed by a giant ape foot. I frequently compare the film to the 1976 version and occasionally to the 2005 version.

This is kind of a quickie commentary, done without as much post-production as I’ve been doing lately (no EchoSync). I am joined for the first 15 minutes by my little niece, who doesn’t have nearly as much to say here as she did about Paul McCartney in Help.

 

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William Goldman edits Simon Morgenstern’s rollicking adventure of pirates and princesses, swordplay and swamps down to “the good parts,” and I put all the missing pieces back in, carefully reconstructing the original narrative, in all its gruesome, graphic, weird, and perverse detail. Altho there’s no vulgar language, this commentary is rated M for mature.

 

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