http://www.tysto.com Running commentaries that you listen to while you watch the movie. Mon, 06 Feb 2012 04:06:27 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Copyright © Derek Jensen webmaster@tysto.com (Tysto.com) webmaster@tysto.com (Tysto.com) TV & Film 1440 http://www.tysto.com/images/tysto-commentaries144.gif http://www.tysto.com 144 144 http://www.tysto.com/tag/commentaries/feed/ Tysto commentaries are full-length audio commentaries that you listen to while you watch the movie on DVD or Blu-ray or hower. movie, movies, film, commentary, commentaries, cinema, dvd, blu-ray, fan, alternative, audio, alternate Tysto.com Tysto.com webmaster@tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2012/02/commentary-harry-potter-4-goblet/ http://www.tysto.com/2012/02/commentary-harry-potter-4-goblet/#comments Mon, 06 Feb 2012 04:06:27 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1808 http://www.tysto.com/2012/02/commentary-harry-potter-4-goblet/feed/ 0 2:25:28 Harry Potter is back! Join me as we watch him on the Jumbotron, competing in the Quadwizard Tournament against dragons, dancing, merfolk, and bushes. I explore Dumbledore's willful mispronunciations, Ron's many alternatives to going to the ball in a[...] Harry Potter is back! Join me as we watch him on the Jumbotron, competing in the Quadwizard Tournament against dragons, dancing, merfolk, and bushes. I explore Dumbledore's willful mispronunciations, Ron's many alternatives to going to the ball in a costume rejected by Jon Pertwee, and the likelihood of what appears to be half a dozen Death Eaters terrorizing what seems to be 100,000 or so wizards at the Quidditch World Cup. I again ask the question "Why does any of this happen?" I put forth a clear and concise alternative for Barty Crouch, Junior's ridiculous plan. I propose an explanation as to why the tournament must go on. I maintain my theory that Filch and Mrs. Norris are married. And I explore the possibility that Hermione gave the big V to Viktor, if you know what I mean. Entertainment Tysto.com clean no http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-harry-potter-3-prisoner/ http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-harry-potter-3-prisoner/#comments Mon, 30 Jan 2012 04:37:26 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1800 http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-harry-potter-3-prisoner/feed/ 0 2:11:34 It's Harry Potter, back for a third helping of myth, magic, teen angst, and lots and lots of chocolate! I walk thru the structure of the story, character motivations, and time travel theories. I wonder who needs a permission slip to go shopping but [...] It's Harry Potter, back for a third helping of myth, magic, teen angst, and lots and lots of chocolate! I walk thru the structure of the story, character motivations, and time travel theories. I wonder who needs a permission slip to go shopping but not to fly around in a thunderstorm. I ask the musical question "Why does any of this happen?" And I worry about illegal boggart abuse. I try to figure out the story-behind-the-story to understand what Lupin and Black are thinking and come up confused and bewildered. I wonder if there is a little homosexual subtext to go with the homosexual text. And I worry that Hermione, like Buckbeak, is going to be sentenced to death for striking a Malfoy. Entertainment Tysto.com clean no http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-a-view-to-a-kill/ http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-a-view-to-a-kill/#comments Mon, 23 Jan 2012 04:12:47 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1793 http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-a-view-to-a-kill/feed/ 1 2:11:38 Roger Moore is back for his last rodeo as James Bond! It's a rather slow, somewhat dull, kind of haphazard adventure filled with lovely women and also Grace Jones! Honestly, there's not a lot to say about this one. The whole formula is a bit tire[...] Roger Moore is back for his last rodeo as James Bond! It's a rather slow, somewhat dull, kind of haphazard adventure filled with lovely women and also Grace Jones! Honestly, there's not a lot to say about this one. The whole formula is a bit tired and threadbare. I try to make the best of it and have fun by noting how stopping a guy who is making EMP-proof chips available to the world is kind of a jerk goal for British Intelligence. I point out how Zorin is awfully clumsy about keeping his activities quiet when he puts his name on every chip and has them packed for shipping in his basement. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/new-years-resolution-requests/ http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/new-years-resolution-requests/#comments Mon, 16 Jan 2012 18:54:05 +0000 Webmaster http://www.tysto.com/?p=1813 http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/new-years-resolution-requests/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-harry-potter-2-chamber/ http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-harry-potter-2-chamber/#comments Mon, 16 Jan 2012 04:39:00 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1772 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I like this film second or third best of the series, but that doesn't mean I cut it any slack. (Actually, I think I cut it slack on at least two occasions.) I again analyze the plot and compare it to myths and folklore. I admire the structure and pacing. And I wonder why NO ADULTS ARE INVESTIGATING THESE TERRIFYING EVENTS.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-harry-potter-2-chamber/feed/ 0 2:34:20 Join me for the second leap into fantastic adventures of puddles of water and CGI spiders and cars that act silly as I watch and comment on Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I like this film second or third best of the series, but that doesn'[...] Join me for the second leap into fantastic adventures of puddles of water and CGI spiders and cars that act silly as I watch and comment on Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I like this film second or third best of the series, but that doesn't mean I cut it any slack. (Actually, I think I cut it slack on at least two occasions.) I again analyze the plot and compare it to myths and folklore. I admire the structure and pacing. And I wonder why NO ADULTS ARE INVESTIGATING THESE TERRIFYING EVENTS. Entertainment Tysto.com clean no http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-harry-potter-1-stone/ http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-harry-potter-1-stone/#comments Mon, 09 Jan 2012 04:43:32 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1760 http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-harry-potter-1-stone/feed/ 0 2:29:42 Join me in for the first step into the magical world of British character actors, child-sized horror mystery, and wild swings of tone as I watch and comment on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I like the series quite a lot and this film is no [...] Join me in for the first step into the magical world of British character actors, child-sized horror mystery, and wild swings of tone as I watch and comment on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I like the series quite a lot and this film is no exception. Your mileage may vary. I've never read any of the books, so I stick almost entirely to exploration of the movies. But I analyze the plot and compare it to myths and folklore and the other films in the series. I compare the characters here with their development (or lack thereof—or even regression) in the later films. And I touch on visual effects, consistency, setup-and-payoff, and mommy logic. Entertainment Tysto.com clean no http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-batman-robin/ http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-batman-robin/#comments Mon, 02 Jan 2012 04:03:32 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1788 Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy, Mike and Damon from Geek Fights, and (about 90 minutes in) Mike from Commentary Tracks Stars as we celebrate the awfulness of Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin. Josh is ambivalent (in that he can barely stand it). I praise the set design and remain staunchly in denial of any gay subtext. Mike and Damon profess love that sours over the course of film. And CTS Mike just despises it. Over all, we have a great deal of fun with it. I quote my 8-year-old nephew a few times. We speculate on superhero Donald Trump and Richard Branson. We try to figure out how a 21-year-old Barbara has a mother who was young in the 1940s. We wonder why Bane is even in this movie. And we marvel that Mr. Freeze's suit is powered by puns.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2012/01/commentary-batman-robin/feed/ 0 2:10:38 Join me as I join Josh from Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy, Mike and Damon from Geek Fights, and (about 90 minutes in) Mike from Commentary Tracks Stars as we celebrate the awfulness of Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin. Josh is ambivalent (in th[...] Join me as I join Josh from Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy, Mike and Damon from Geek Fights, and (about 90 minutes in) Mike from Commentary Tracks Stars as we celebrate the awfulness of Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin. Josh is ambivalent (in that he can barely stand it). I praise the set design and remain staunchly in denial of any gay subtext. Mike and Damon profess love that sours over the course of film. And CTS Mike just despises it. Over all, we have a great deal of fun with it. I quote my 8-year-old nephew a few times. We speculate on superhero Donald Trump and Richard Branson. We try to figure out how a 21-year-old Barbara has a mother who was young in the 1940s. We wonder why Bane is even in this movie. And we marvel that Mr. Freeze's suit is powered by puns. Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2011/12/commentary-gattaca-with-soulless-minions-sofa-dogs/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/12/commentary-gattaca-with-soulless-minions-sofa-dogs/#comments Mon, 19 Dec 2011 04:03:41 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1755 Gattaca. We compare it to Niccol's later films, discuss performances and art direction, and analyze the plot. We have varying degrees of respect for the movie, but none of us hate it.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/12/commentary-gattaca-with-soulless-minions-sofa-dogs/feed/ 0 1:50:48 Josh and John are back again for another three-commentator commentary, this time for Andrew Niccol's Gattaca. We compare it to Niccol's later films, discuss performances and art direction, and analyze the plot. We have varying degrees of respect for[...] Josh and John are back again for another three-commentator commentary, this time for Andrew Niccol's Gattaca. We compare it to Niccol's later films, discuss performances and art direction, and analyze the plot. We have varying degrees of respect for the movie, but none of us hate it. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/12/commentary-batman-begins/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/12/commentary-batman-begins/#comments Mon, 12 Dec 2011 04:50:39 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1743 The Dark Knight. We talk Batman comic books, other Nolan movies, Joker vs Scarecrow, Scarecrow vs Falcone, Britons vs Americans, and Moore vs Gyllenhaal.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/12/commentary-batman-begins/feed/ 0 2:04:15 Join John Pavlich and me for the first of Christopher Nolan's Batmen and thrill to the excitement of flashbacks(!) and training sequences(!) and more (but not a lot more). We both like the film, but maybe not as much as we did when before seeing The[...] Join John Pavlich and me for the first of Christopher Nolan's Batmen and thrill to the excitement of flashbacks(!) and training sequences(!) and more (but not a lot more). We both like the film, but maybe not as much as we did when before seeing The Dark Knight. We talk Batman comic books, other Nolan movies, Joker vs Scarecrow, Scarecrow vs Falcone, Britons vs Americans, and Moore vs Gyllenhaal. Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2011/12/commentary-terminator-2/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/12/commentary-terminator-2/#comments Mon, 05 Dec 2011 04:05:23 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1508 http://www.tysto.com/2011/12/commentary-terminator-2/feed/ 0 2:04:15 Join me for a trip thru one of the greatest action movies of all time. It's the heartwarming story of a boy and his robot and his mom living off the fat of the land and blowing stuff up, driving like crazy people, and shooting guns ineffectively. [...] Join me for a trip thru one of the greatest action movies of all time. It's the heartwarming story of a boy and his robot and his mom living off the fat of the land and blowing stuff up, driving like crazy people, and shooting guns ineffectively. I examine the themes and visual motifs, discuss James Cameron in general, and compare the film to the original and other sequels and to other films. I temporarily misidentify a car (heaven forbid!), and stumble thru discussion of theme and motif, and speculate on where the rest of the original terminator skeleton got to. Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/commentary-big-trouble-in-little-china/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/commentary-big-trouble-in-little-china/#comments Mon, 28 Nov 2011 04:12:32 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1737 Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones, Bruce Lee movies, and other John Carpenter movies. We gush like schoolgirls at times, and agree that the film is virtually if not actually nearly perfect.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/commentary-big-trouble-in-little-china/feed/ 0 1:44:08 There's big trouble brewing in Chinatown! Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we go into the tunnels under San Francisco to fight David Lo Pan and retrieve the lovely Miao Yin and Gracie Law! In this impromptu commentary, we discuss the film's [...] There's big trouble brewing in Chinatown! Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we go into the tunnels under San Francisco to fight David Lo Pan and retrieve the lovely Miao Yin and Gracie Law! In this impromptu commentary, we discuss the film's origins in pulp fiction and connections to Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones, Bruce Lee movies, and other John Carpenter movies. We gush like schoolgirls at times, and agree that the film is virtually if not actually nearly perfect. Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/commentary-machete/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/commentary-machete/#comments Mon, 21 Nov 2011 04:08:31 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1627 http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/commentary-machete/feed/ 0 1:43:26 Danny Trejo IS Machete, the hard-charging illegal immigrant of your nightmares. Robert DeNiro is the Italian/Irish/Texan state senator. Jessica Alba is the the superhot tight-pantsed Immigration agent. Michelle Rodriguez (no relation to our co-direc[...] Danny Trejo IS Machete, the hard-charging illegal immigrant of your nightmares. Robert DeNiro is the Italian/Irish/Texan state senator. Jessica Alba is the the superhot tight-pantsed Immigration agent. Michelle Rodriguez (no relation to our co-director Robert) is the superhot taco truck lady! And that guy who is always a villain in these kinds of movies is the villain in this movie! Join me as I watch it for the first time and narrate the bloody mess! Also! Don Johnson! Steven Seagal! Cheech Marin! Tom Savini! It's completely ridiculous how many famous actors are crammed into this movie! Except Devon Aoki! That is NOT—repeat NOT—Devon Aoki! I almost forgot Lindsey Lohan! Who gets naked! As do other ladies, some more and some less full-frontally! Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/commentary-galaxy-quest/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/commentary-galaxy-quest/#comments Mon, 14 Nov 2011 04:04:42 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1723 John of Sofa Dogs and Josh of Soulless Minions! We love the film, the cast, Star Trek, and pretty much everything else, so join us for the fun! We analyze the Trek and other sci-fi references, the careful setup and payoff of the screenplay, and how the effects hold up even from yea-back in 1999. John talks about his Brush With Shatner, Josh brings the hardcore Trek nerdery, and I invent the word "blusterbuss" (tm).]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/commentary-galaxy-quest/feed/ 1 2:04:15 It's an all-star commentary with myself, John of Sofa Dogs and Josh of Soulless Minions! We love the film, the cast, Star Trek, and pretty much everything else, so join us for the fun! We analyze the Trek and other sci-fi references, the careful set[...] It's an all-star commentary with myself, John of Sofa Dogs and Josh of Soulless Minions! We love the film, the cast, Star Trek, and pretty much everything else, so join us for the fun! We analyze the Trek and other sci-fi references, the careful setup and payoff of the screenplay, and how the effects hold up even from yea-back in 1999. John talks about his Brush With Shatner, Josh brings the hardcore Trek nerdery, and I invent the word "blusterbuss" (tm). Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/commentary-never-say-never-again/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/commentary-never-say-never-again/#comments Mon, 07 Nov 2011 04:15:05 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1692 http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/commentary-never-say-never-again/feed/ 3 2:23:00 Bond is back and Connery is playing him! It's the one-off Thunderball remake of sorts that comes, as all great things do, courtesy of a contentious lawsuit. It's the goulash of Bond films, with a little of everything and all, surprisingly, in about [...] Bond is back and Connery is playing him! It's the one-off Thunderball remake of sorts that comes, as all great things do, courtesy of a contentious lawsuit. It's the goulash of Bond films, with a little of everything and all, surprisingly, in about the right measure. The music is bad but the gadgets are good, the babes are bodacious, and the villain is batshit crazy with a hint of whimsy. I analyze the differences and striking similarities in the structure and plotting, compare it to other Bond films, assess the Bondiness of Connery's 12-years-later Bond, and question why he's now working for the Jackal. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/numbers-2-most-popular-tysto-commentaries/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/numbers-2-most-popular-tysto-commentaries/#comments Fri, 04 Nov 2011 17:50:37 +0000 Webmaster http://www.tysto.com/?p=1718 http://www.tysto.com/2011/11/numbers-2-most-popular-tysto-commentaries/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-dinocroc/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-dinocroc/#comments Mon, 31 Oct 2011 04:09:49 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1606 Dinocroc. Join me if you dare as I cue this baby up and watch it for the first time. Thrill to the shadowy swamps! Tremble as the monster stalks its prey (again and again and again)! Shimmy as the Scooby-Doo trap is sprung! I get my superhot-women-with-serpentine-features mixed up (and give my recommendations for worm-based Scottish folk rock). I compare the film to all the usual suspects and desperately try to have fun with it in general. It's no Sharktopus, but it will have to do.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-dinocroc/feed/ 0 1:17:18 Roger Corman is back, and he brought Dinocroc with him! It's the 2004 monster movie Dinocroc. Join me if you dare as I cue this baby up and watch it for the first time. Thrill to the shadowy swamps! Tremble as the monster stalks its prey (again and[...] Roger Corman is back, and he brought Dinocroc with him! It's the 2004 monster movie Dinocroc. Join me if you dare as I cue this baby up and watch it for the first time. Thrill to the shadowy swamps! Tremble as the monster stalks its prey (again and again and again)! Shimmy as the Scooby-Doo trap is sprung! I get my superhot-women-with-serpentine-features mixed up (and give my recommendations for worm-based Scottish folk rock). I compare the film to all the usual suspects and desperately try to have fun with it in general. It's no Sharktopus, but it will have to do. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-willow-with-soulless-minions/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-willow-with-soulless-minions/#comments Mon, 24 Oct 2011 04:09:47 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1705 Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy on a magical trip thru some Medieval fantasyland or other. It's the heartwarming story of a humble peasant (who is totally not a hobbit or a moisture farmer) who goes on a quest that has nothing to do with destroying an evil overlord or saving an adult princess. Along the way, he gains an item of mystical power (which is not at all a ring of invisibility or a laser sword) and teams up with a pair of comical sidekicks (who are clearly not hobbits or robots) as well as a loveable rogue (who is definitely not a ranger of royal descent or a smuggler in trouble with a gangster) and gets magical help from a wise and mystical old mentor (who is in no way an old magic-wielding wizard or an old sword-wielding mystical monk). We discuss the novelization and possible inspirations, explore its themes and tone, and weigh its strengths and weaknesses. We like the film a lot but also have a lot of fun with it. I can't remember most of the characters' names, but I do get a chance to bust out my knowledge of ancient literature.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-willow-with-soulless-minions/feed/ 0 2:06:50 Join me and my special guests Josh and Justin from Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy on a magical trip thru some Medieval fantasyland or other. It's the heartwarming story of a humble peasant (who is totally not a hobbit or a moisture farmer) who goes o[...] Join me and my special guests Josh and Justin from Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy on a magical trip thru some Medieval fantasyland or other. It's the heartwarming story of a humble peasant (who is totally not a hobbit or a moisture farmer) who goes on a quest that has nothing to do with destroying an evil overlord or saving an adult princess. Along the way, he gains an item of mystical power (which is not at all a ring of invisibility or a laser sword) and teams up with a pair of comical sidekicks (who are clearly not hobbits or robots) as well as a loveable rogue (who is definitely not a ranger of royal descent or a smuggler in trouble with a gangster) and gets magical help from a wise and mystical old mentor (who is in no way an old magic-wielding wizard or an old sword-wielding mystical monk). We discuss the novelization and possible inspirations, explore its themes and tone, and weigh its strengths and weaknesses. We like the film a lot but also have a lot of fun with it. I can't remember most of the characters' names, but I do get a chance to bust out my knowledge of ancient literature. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-star-trek-iv-with-speakeasy/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-star-trek-iv-with-speakeasy/#comments Mon, 17 Oct 2011 04:10:39 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1619 the Doctor and me again for the one where Spock swears and Kirk fails to score and the rest of the crew does an amazing job of stealing some whales: a.k.a. "the corny one." Nevertheless, the Doctor and I enjoy it enormously and don't poke too much fun at its premise of a giant space Tootsie Roll menacing Earth with a really loud stereo and traveling back in time to bring back whales to talk to it. It's just ridiculous, but the jokes are actually mostly funny, and the characters are great.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-star-trek-iv-with-speakeasy/feed/ 0 2:15:44 It's another Trek! Join the Doctor and me again for the one where Spock swears and Kirk fails to score and the rest of the crew does an amazing job of stealing some whales: a.k.a. "the corny one." Nevertheless, the Doctor and I enjoy it enormousl[...] It's another Trek! Join the Doctor and me again for the one where Spock swears and Kirk fails to score and the rest of the crew does an amazing job of stealing some whales: a.k.a. "the corny one." Nevertheless, the Doctor and I enjoy it enormously and don't poke too much fun at its premise of a giant space Tootsie Roll menacing Earth with a really loud stereo and traveling back in time to bring back whales to talk to it. It's just ridiculous, but the jokes are actually mostly funny, and the characters are great. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-a-haunting-in-salem/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-a-haunting-in-salem/#comments Mon, 10 Oct 2011 04:10:17 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1632 A Haunting in Salem for the first time and enjoy the thrills and chills on my way to enjoying the hell out of this movie. I analyze the legend-within-a-legend idea, the value of renovating bathrooms and kitchens, the rules of daytime vs nighttime haunting, the texting skills of 1950s ghosts, and the curious love of landscape pictures the family has. Along the way, I quail in fear and disgust at actors' dirty feet, determine which of the Van Dykes is the least Van Dykey, decide that I want to see woolly mammoth ghosts, come to the conclusion that I may need to murder someone in my own house to give it atmosphere, and lay some word-nerdery on you.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-a-haunting-in-salem/feed/ 3 1:17:18 The Asylum is back, and they're bringing the scares for Halloween! Join me as I watch A Haunting in Salem for the first time and enjoy the thrills and chills on my way to enjoying the hell out of this movie. I analyze the legend-within-a-legend idea[...] The Asylum is back, and they're bringing the scares for Halloween! Join me as I watch A Haunting in Salem for the first time and enjoy the thrills and chills on my way to enjoying the hell out of this movie. I analyze the legend-within-a-legend idea, the value of renovating bathrooms and kitchens, the rules of daytime vs nighttime haunting, the texting skills of 1950s ghosts, and the curious love of landscape pictures the family has. Along the way, I quail in fear and disgust at actors' dirty feet, determine which of the Van Dykes is the least Van Dykey, decide that I want to see woolly mammoth ghosts, come to the conclusion that I may need to murder someone in my own house to give it atmosphere, and lay some word-nerdery on you. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-resident-evil-with-sofa-dogs/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-resident-evil-with-sofa-dogs/#comments Mon, 03 Oct 2011 04:15:21 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1597 http://www.tysto.com/2011/10/commentary-resident-evil-with-sofa-dogs/feed/ 0 1:40:52 John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs Podcast and I have a good time with the commandos vs zombies picture Resident Evil. We prepare to take it apart but— but— for all its flaws, we basically love the damn thing. So join us as we examine the structure, the refe[...] John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs Podcast and I have a good time with the commandos vs zombies picture Resident Evil. We prepare to take it apart but— but— for all its flaws, we basically love the damn thing. So join us as we examine the structure, the references to the game and to Alice in Wonderland, the cribs from other action films, and which handsome white dude is which. We speculate as to why the commandos would leave their gas masks and take the people they're "rescuing" deeper into danger, why Alice decided on combat boots instead of heels, and why the the Red Queen wants to chop everyone's head off so badly. And we try to figure out who just got killed and who really remembers what when, and and whether or not Michelle Rodriguez plays the tough, streetwise kitty in the 2008 direct-to-video A Cat's Tale. Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2011/09/commentary-octopussy/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/09/commentary-octopussy/#comments Mon, 26 Sep 2011 04:02:51 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1573 90 seconds to save a big chunk of Germany.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/09/commentary-octopussy/feed/ 0 2:07:47 Bond is back again for lucky number 13! Yes, it's still Roger Moore cranking out the cheeky remarks. This time, 007 must stop a ring of international smugglers/circus folk auctioning off—and buying back—priceless Russian treasures, altho why he care[...] Bond is back again for lucky number 13! Yes, it's still Roger Moore cranking out the cheeky remarks. This time, 007 must stop a ring of international smugglers/circus folk auctioning off—and buying back—priceless Russian treasures, altho why he cares I don't know. They're not British treasures, after all. The women are beautiful—except for the creepy one whom I suspect to be a snake in a wig—and the villains and stunts are passable if not spectacular. The sets are likewise lacking in scale, but at least the plot and plot devices are mostly believable. I examine the origin of "Octopussy" and whether or not she's a stronger character than other Bond women—such as the other Bond woman who looked exactly like her—and also the wisdom of taking several minutes to put on clown makeup when it leaves you with a mere 90 seconds to save a big chunk of Germany. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/09/commentary-the-mist-with-sofa-dogs/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/09/commentary-the-mist-with-sofa-dogs/#comments Mon, 19 Sep 2011 04:13:36 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1556 The Mist! This is my first commentary for a movie I outright dislike. John is more forgiving... at least until the end. But we keep it light and have a great time picking it apart and still give credit where credit is due. We try to figure out exactly what bugs* us about it and what could have been done to fix it. We compare it to High Noon, "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street", Alien, and Footloose. And I sing a little Joan Baez. So... don't miss that.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/09/commentary-the-mist-with-sofa-dogs/feed/ 0 2:09:33 John Pavlich and I watch the low-budget King-Darabont horror The Mist! This is my first commentary for a movie I outright dislike. John is more forgiving... at least until the end. But we keep it light and have a great time picking it apart and stil[...] John Pavlich and I watch the low-budget King-Darabont horror The Mist! This is my first commentary for a movie I outright dislike. John is more forgiving... at least until the end. But we keep it light and have a great time picking it apart and still give credit where credit is due. We try to figure out exactly what bugs* us about it and what could have been done to fix it. We compare it to High Noon, "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street", Alien, and Footloose. And I sing a little Joan Baez. So... don't miss that. Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2011/09/commentary-blade-runner/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/09/commentary-blade-runner/#comments Mon, 12 Sep 2011 04:49:31 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1584 http://www.tysto.com/2011/09/commentary-blade-runner/feed/ 6 2:07:47 Join the Doctor from Speakeasy and me as we watch one of the most influential film noir movies of all time. Thrill to the dark, rainy setting! Gasp at the rumpled trenchcoats! Stand in awe of the game of 20 questions! We dissect the film as sci-fi a[...] Join the Doctor from Speakeasy and me as we watch one of the most influential film noir movies of all time. Thrill to the dark, rainy setting! Gasp at the rumpled trenchcoats! Stand in awe of the game of 20 questions! We dissect the film as sci-fi as well as film noir. We attempt to determine what "blades" are being "run". We compare the film to other sci-fi movies, other Ridley Scott movies, and other Philip K Dick stories. And we discuss the possibility of Deckard being a replicant—which he DEFINITELY IS NOT BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE STUPID, RIDLEY SCOTT. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/09/commentary-jonah-hex/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/09/commentary-jonah-hex/#comments Mon, 05 Sep 2011 04:11:38 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1482 http://www.tysto.com/2011/09/commentary-jonah-hex/feed/ 1 1:17:18 Join me (or don't; seriously) as I take my first look at Jonah Hex, the heartwarming story of a disfigured man who finds love with a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold and yet abandons her. Also, John Malkovich tries to destroy America with his liberal age[...] Join me (or don't; seriously) as I take my first look at Jonah Hex, the heartwarming story of a disfigured man who finds love with a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold and yet abandons her. Also, John Malkovich tries to destroy America with his liberal agenda. And by "liberal" I mean the liberal application of cannon fire. Note, however, that he does this with a boat and not something crazy like a giant mechanical spider and entertaining dialog. Josh Brolin is Jonah Hex because it would have been silly to cast, say, Will Smith in the role of a cowboy given a mission to save the country by President Grant. Aiden Quinn is President Grant because Kevin Kline wasn't available. And Megan Fox is the girl who helps out but doesn't stay with him because Salma Hayak was not orange enough. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/commentary-nightmare-on-elm-street-1984-with-sofa-dogs/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/commentary-nightmare-on-elm-street-1984-with-sofa-dogs/#comments Mon, 29 Aug 2011 04:47:17 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1546 Sofa Dogs podcast and me as we watch Freddy and Johnny Depp's debuts in a heartwarming coming-of-age story. We wax rhapsodical about Wes Craven and other low-budget horror. We compare this film to others of its type and to the remake. And we forgive any and all faults with the possible exception of John Saxon's comb-over. Listen as we deconstruct the film as an allegory for young adulthood, parental neglect, fear of the dark, female empowerment, and unwanted hat pregnancy. And don't miss Roger Rabbit's poster of a kitty riding a trolley!]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/commentary-nightmare-on-elm-street-1984-with-sofa-dogs/feed/ 0 1:32:45 One, two, Freddy's comin' for you and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast and me as we watch Freddy and Johnny Depp's debuts in a heartwarming coming-of-age story. We wax rhapsodical about Wes Craven and other low-budget horror. We compare this film t[...] One, two, Freddy's comin' for you and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast and me as we watch Freddy and Johnny Depp's debuts in a heartwarming coming-of-age story. We wax rhapsodical about Wes Craven and other low-budget horror. We compare this film to others of its type and to the remake. And we forgive any and all faults with the possible exception of John Saxon's comb-over. Listen as we deconstruct the film as an allegory for young adulthood, parental neglect, fear of the dark, female empowerment, and unwanted hat pregnancy. And don't miss Roger Rabbit's poster of a kitty riding a trolley! Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/100th-commentary-spectacular-jurassic-park/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/100th-commentary-spectacular-jurassic-park/#comments Mon, 22 Aug 2011 04:09:09 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1526 Tysto 100th Commentary Spectacular!!! Join me for a showcase of early CGI as God intended it: DINOSAURS!!! I welcome Bea Arthur and Foreigner as special guests!!! And dancing girls!!! I even ride a live dinosaur trained to the saddle!!! Jurassic Park is the heartwarming story of people who get trapped in an old dark house with Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, Bela Lugosi, and Peter Lorre, played by DINOSAURS!!! I gush rhapsodical about the dinosaurs and other action. I complain slightly about the flatness of the Alan and Ellie characters. I compare the film to Jaws and explain the structure with its various types of pipe-laying. And I depress myself slightly by looking up whether or not the Pirates of the Caribbean ride ever actually killed anyone.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/100th-commentary-spectacular-jurassic-park/feed/ 0 2:04:15 WELCOME!!! to the Tysto 100th Commentary Spectacular!!! Join me for a showcase of early CGI as God intended it: DINOSAURS!!! I welcome Bea Arthur and Foreigner as special guests!!! And dancing girls!!! I even ride a live dinosaur trained to the sadd[...] WELCOME!!! to the Tysto 100th Commentary Spectacular!!! Join me for a showcase of early CGI as God intended it: DINOSAURS!!! I welcome Bea Arthur and Foreigner as special guests!!! And dancing girls!!! I even ride a live dinosaur trained to the saddle!!! Jurassic Park is the heartwarming story of people who get trapped in an old dark house with Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, Bela Lugosi, and Peter Lorre, played by DINOSAURS!!! I gush rhapsodical about the dinosaurs and other action. I complain slightly about the flatness of the Alan and Ellie characters. I compare the film to Jaws and explain the structure with its various types of pipe-laying. And I depress myself slightly by looking up whether or not the Pirates of the Caribbean ride ever actually killed anyone. Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/tysto-turns-100-in-a-manner-of-speaking/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/tysto-turns-100-in-a-manner-of-speaking/#comments Thu, 11 Aug 2011 11:08:17 +0000 Webmaster http://www.tysto.com/?p=1539 http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/tysto-turns-100-in-a-manner-of-speaking/feed/ 0 0:01:41 I'm rolling up on the big 1-0-0! With Jurassic Park—a commentary 65 million years (well, 4-and-a-half years) in the making*—I will have released 100 commentaries! What I'm hoping for here is that you will find a moment to add a comment to this post [...] I'm rolling up on the big 1-0-0! With Jurassic Park—a commentary 65 million years (well, 4-and-a-half years) in the making*—I will have released 100 commentaries! What I'm hoping for here is that you will find a moment to add a comment to this post and let me know what you would like to see in the next 4-and-a-half years.** One day (theoretically) I will run out of James Bond and Star Trek movies, so what next? Are you enjoying the golden oldies I usually do? Do you want more of any particular genre? I've had specific requests in the past and tried to look into doing them, but they don't always work out. Would you like more sight-unseen commentaries (The Asylum or otherwise?). More Hitchcock? More Schwarzenegger? More (meaning "some") Stallone? More westerns? More horror? More sci-fi? How about more recent releases? Let me know! Would you like more team-ups? (Interested in doing a commentary with me? All you need is Skype and a good microphone!***) Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/commentary-for-your-eyes-only/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/commentary-for-your-eyes-only/#comments Mon, 08 Aug 2011 04:14:43 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1474 From Russia with Love, and complain that Locque isn't much of a villain. I lament the birth defect that left Carole Bouquet with a non-functioning forehead and a mustache nearly as luxurious as Topol's, as well as whatever it is that makes Lynn-Holley Johnson so annoying and seven years too old to be to young for James Bond. And I lament the fact the Roger Moore is just too old to run up all those steps.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/commentary-for-your-eyes-only/feed/ 4 2:07:47 Bond is back! This time, the film makers mine the depths of Fleming's short stories and cobble something together that is... pretty dang good, actually. There are no gadgets, the girls are not great, and there are no fantastic Ken Adam sets, but the[...] Bond is back! This time, the film makers mine the depths of Fleming's short stories and cobble something together that is... pretty dang good, actually. There are no gadgets, the girls are not great, and there are no fantastic Ken Adam sets, but there's also nothing much to really hate—except the idiotic Blofeld appearance at the beginning. I examine the construction of the plot, defend it against those who say it's too much like From Russia with Love, and complain that Locque isn't much of a villain. I lament the birth defect that left Carole Bouquet with a non-functioning forehead and a mustache nearly as luxurious as Topol's, as well as whatever it is that makes Lynn-Holley Johnson so annoying and seven years too old to be to young for James Bond. And I lament the fact the Roger Moore is just too old to run up all those steps. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/commentary-the-fly-1986-with-sofa-dogs/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/commentary-the-fly-1986-with-sofa-dogs/#comments Mon, 01 Aug 2011 04:16:36 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1491 Sofa Dogs podcast again, this time for a freaky, gooey ride thru Cronenberg-land, a land of magic and mystery and "flesh" and cool cars, located near scenic Toronto. We analyze the themes of substance abuse, transformation, and disease; wonder who is the craziest character; and ultimately blame the whole mess on the baboon. We marvel at the economy and deftness of storytelling, discuss the tragic romance and operatic angle, and compare it to the sequel, to the first draft, and somewhat to other transformation monster movies. I call the film nearly perfect and declare Jeff Goldblum to be his Goldblumiest.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/08/commentary-the-fly-1986-with-sofa-dogs/feed/ 0 1:37:15 Join me and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast again, this time for a freaky, gooey ride thru Cronenberg-land, a land of magic and mystery and "flesh" and cool cars, located near scenic Toronto. We analyze the themes of substance abuse, transformatio[...] Join me and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast again, this time for a freaky, gooey ride thru Cronenberg-land, a land of magic and mystery and "flesh" and cool cars, located near scenic Toronto. We analyze the themes of substance abuse, transformation, and disease; wonder who is the craziest character; and ultimately blame the whole mess on the baboon. We marvel at the economy and deftness of storytelling, discuss the tragic romance and operatic angle, and compare it to the sequel, to the first draft, and somewhat to other transformation monster movies. I call the film nearly perfect and declare Jeff Goldblum to be his Goldblumiest. Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2011/07/commentary-2012-ice-age/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/07/commentary-2012-ice-age/#comments Mon, 25 Jul 2011 04:11:29 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1463 Summer School (no, not Mark Harmon) and that girl from Growing Pains (no, not Tracey Gold) drive and fly and walk and otherwise travel from the frozen north to the soon-to-be-frozen slightly-further-south. Join me as I watch it for the first time and gradually figure out what city (or what coast, for that matter) the film is set in (I wasn't paying a lot of attention at the beginning). I analyze the motives of the protagonists (survive; get daughter) and the antagonists (smash whichever coast we're set in). Along the way, I make up a background for the mysterious and otherwise creditless director Travis Fort. I wax poetical about the various vehicles the characters travel in. I contemplate the dangers of "snornados". I say some things that might get me beaten up the next time I go to New York (our nation's capital), New Jersey (its retarded brother), and Canada (it only has two cities and its savage people worship glaciers). And I imagine other (copyrighted!) ways of portraying the glacier, such as by giving it an English accent and a hunchback.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/07/commentary-2012-ice-age/feed/ 0 1:36:49 The Asylum is back! And without commercials! And that guy from Summer School (no, not Mark Harmon) and that girl from Growing Pains (no, not Tracey Gold) drive and fly and walk and otherwise travel from the frozen north to the soon-to-be-frozen slig[...] The Asylum is back! And without commercials! And that guy from Summer School (no, not Mark Harmon) and that girl from Growing Pains (no, not Tracey Gold) drive and fly and walk and otherwise travel from the frozen north to the soon-to-be-frozen slightly-further-south. Join me as I watch it for the first time and gradually figure out what city (or what coast, for that matter) the film is set in (I wasn't paying a lot of attention at the beginning). I analyze the motives of the protagonists (survive; get daughter) and the antagonists (smash whichever coast we're set in). Along the way, I make up a background for the mysterious and otherwise creditless director Travis Fort. I wax poetical about the various vehicles the characters travel in. I contemplate the dangers of "snornados". I say some things that might get me beaten up the next time I go to New York (our nation's capital), New Jersey (its retarded brother), and Canada (it only has two cities and its savage people worship glaciers). And I imagine other (copyrighted!) ways of portraying the glacier, such as by giving it an English accent and a hunchback. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/07/commentary-star-trek-iii-with-speakeasy/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/07/commentary-star-trek-iii-with-speakeasy/#comments Tue, 12 Jul 2011 03:10:17 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1459 the Doctor again for our third trek! This is the one where Spock is reborn, and McCoy carries Spock's mind alongside his own mind, and Sulu changes clothes at inappropriate times. We examine the ideas of Vulcan mind transfer, naked racism in the Federation, and the meanness of wrapping reborn people in their own death shrouds. We also discuss whether or not McCoy almost accidentally picks up an alien prostitute, whether or not Scotty is basically R2D2, and whether or not Kirk answers Spock's question honestly when Spock asks "The ship safe?" And along the way, you'll learn which scientific discoveries the Doctor condemns as dangerously unpredictable and why my first sexual experience was like Spock's.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/07/commentary-star-trek-iii-with-speakeasy/feed/ 0 1:45:38 Join me as I join the Doctor again for our third trek! This is the one where Spock is reborn, and McCoy carries Spock's mind alongside his own mind, and Sulu changes clothes at inappropriate times. We examine the ideas of Vulcan mind transfer, naked[...] Join me as I join the Doctor again for our third trek! This is the one where Spock is reborn, and McCoy carries Spock's mind alongside his own mind, and Sulu changes clothes at inappropriate times. We examine the ideas of Vulcan mind transfer, naked racism in the Federation, and the meanness of wrapping reborn people in their own death shrouds. We also discuss whether or not McCoy almost accidentally picks up an alien prostitute, whether or not Scotty is basically R2D2, and whether or not Kirk answers Spock's question honestly when Spock asks "The ship safe?" And along the way, you'll learn which scientific discoveries the Doctor condemns as dangerously unpredictable and why my first sexual experience was like Spock's. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/07/commentary-the-matrix/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/07/commentary-the-matrix/#comments Mon, 04 Jul 2011 04:21:34 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1447 Red Planet; I am momentarily dumbfounded by the thought of Katie Holmes' boobs in The Gift.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/07/commentary-the-matrix/feed/ 0 2:11:48 Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we watch Johnny Utah go toe to toe with Elrond with a little help from Cowboy Curtis in the 1999 emo action thriller that started a revolution! We wax philosophical over dreamscapes, simulations, body horror,[...] Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we watch Johnny Utah go toe to toe with Elrond with a little help from Cowboy Curtis in the 1999 emo action thriller that started a revolution! We wax philosophical over dreamscapes, simulations, body horror, the juxtaposition of old and new technology, and the wearing of super cool sunglasses at night! I reveal my secret Internet hacker name, John reveals what Star Wars films he has not seen, and we both examine what works and what doesn't quite work for each of us. We discuss the sequels a little bit when they inform this film, but most take the movie on its own terms. John is momentarily dumbfounded by the thought of Carrie-Anne Moss' boobs in Red Planet; I am momentarily dumbfounded by the thought of Katie Holmes' boobs in The Gift. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/06/commentary-day-of-the-jackal/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/06/commentary-day-of-the-jackal/#comments Mon, 27 Jun 2011 04:06:09 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1438 flabby meticulous plotting and the long luxurious running time, the pacing is excellent. I explore what could have been cut without hurting the film and what could have been tightened up to help it. And I mock the hilarious French cars. Oh, and bonus if you watch along with me: French ta-tas. Ooh la la!]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/06/commentary-day-of-the-jackal/feed/ 2 2:30:41 Michael Lonsdale is back! And this time he's the good guy, tracking down an international killer known only by the code name "Hello Sailor!" or whatever the French equivalent is. Join me as, despite my cold, I put on a perfect French accent (London,[...] Michael Lonsdale is back! And this time he's the good guy, tracking down an international killer known only by the code name "Hello Sailor!" or whatever the French equivalent is. Join me as, despite my cold, I put on a perfect French accent (London, France, to be exact) and cue up this tense Cold-War-era thriller about how terrible the French army is at killing people. Despite the flabby meticulous plotting and the long luxurious running time, the pacing is excellent. I explore what could have been cut without hurting the film and what could have been tightened up to help it. And I mock the hilarious French cars. Oh, and bonus if you watch along with me: French ta-tas. Ooh la la! Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/06/commentary-moonraker/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/06/commentary-moonraker/#comments Mon, 13 Jun 2011 04:11:01 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1430 http://www.tysto.com/2011/06/commentary-moonraker/feed/ 0 2:08:26 Jaws is back, and Bond fights him! (again and again...) It's the eleventh Bond, and I admire the sights, the women, the stunts, the women's revealing wardrobe, the model shots, the model-actresses, and the incredible Ken Adam sets. I don't do muc[...] Jaws is back, and Bond fights him! (again and again...) It's the eleventh Bond, and I admire the sights, the women, the stunts, the women's revealing wardrobe, the model shots, the model-actresses, and the incredible Ken Adam sets. I don't do much car spotting or gun spotting because Bond drives boats and fights hand-to-hand pretty much the whole movie. *sigh* The comedy is slapsticky (vaudevillian, to be exact), and the story is a loose collection of great set pieces connected by cardboard arrows. (Venetian glass? Go to Venice! Crates that say "Rio"? Go to Rio! Toxin from the Amazon? Go to the Amazon! Space shuttles? Go to space!) Plus, the villain's plan is basically the same as in the last movie (kill everyone, clean up the corpses with bulldozers, repopulate). Still, I don't think it's the worst Bond of them all. (Your mileage may vary.) Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/06/commentary-star-wars-6-return-of-the-jedi-special-ed/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/06/commentary-star-wars-6-return-of-the-jedi-special-ed/#comments Mon, 06 Jun 2011 04:25:21 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1405 http://www.tysto.com/2011/06/commentary-star-wars-6-return-of-the-jedi-special-ed/feed/ 0 2:09:52 Join me for the last of the Star Wars films ever made! (Later films notwithstanding. Offer void where prohibited.) I analyze the romance, the bromance, and the dromance. I try to figure out the timeline again. I compare the Empire’s work-life-balanc[...] Join me for the last of the Star Wars films ever made! (Later films notwithstanding. Offer void where prohibited.) I analyze the romance, the bromance, and the dromance. I try to figure out the timeline again. I compare the Empire’s work-life-balance policies with the Alliance’s. And I deconstruct the episodic nature of this film and the previous one. I analyze the lack of proper planning evident thruout the film, including the method of constructing Death Star II. I once again declare my love for ewoks, perhaps a little too strongly…. I forgive C-3P0 somewhat. And I do lots of incredibly precises impressions of various characters. (Your mileage may vary. This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.) Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/05/commentary-zombieland-with-sofa-dogs/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/05/commentary-zombieland-with-sofa-dogs/#comments Mon, 30 May 2011 04:59:20 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1427 Zombieland. It's the heartwarming tale of a nerdy college student's search for someone to "pass the gravy" to. It's also the moving tale of a childless father's search for vengeance and Twinkies. And it's also the shocking tale of two con-artist sisters' search for a shower and an amusement park where there are no lines. And it's ALSO the heartbreaking tale of Bill Murray getting shot for pretending to be a zombie, like an idiot. Join John and me for a fast run to Pacific Playland, where you will learn why Down in Front dropped the ball on their commentary for this film, the rules for survival in a Zombie apocalypse, and who you're gonna call (Ghostbusters).]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/05/commentary-zombieland-with-sofa-dogs/feed/ 0 1:30:41 It's John Pavlich from the Sofa Dogs podcast hosting me for a commentary on the zom-com-non-bomb Zombieland. It's the heartwarming tale of a nerdy college student's search for someone to "pass the gravy" to. It's also the moving tale of a childless [...] It's John Pavlich from the Sofa Dogs podcast hosting me for a commentary on the zom-com-non-bomb Zombieland. It's the heartwarming tale of a nerdy college student's search for someone to "pass the gravy" to. It's also the moving tale of a childless father's search for vengeance and Twinkies. And it's also the shocking tale of two con-artist sisters' search for a shower and an amusement park where there are no lines. And it's ALSO the heartbreaking tale of Bill Murray getting shot for pretending to be a zombie, like an idiot. Join John and me for a fast run to Pacific Playland, where you will learn why Down in Front dropped the ball on their commentary for this film, the rules for survival in a Zombie apocalypse, and who you're gonna call (Ghostbusters). Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2011/05/commentary-run-lola-run/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/05/commentary-run-lola-run/#comments Mon, 23 May 2011 04:26:31 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1391 Run, Lola, Run, the pulse-pounding story of a girl running around Berlin over and over until she gambles her way to happiness. I compare the film to video games and religious allegory—which it is not—and to fairy tales, humanist philosophy, and roulette—which it is. I wax poetical about free will vs determinism and chance vs causation. I discuss the film's somewhat arch use of numerous techniques to represent the different stories and time frames. But I'm so deep into philosophy I forget to identify any guns or cars other than Manni's Walther PPK. I explain the color motifs (Manni = blue and yellow; Lola = green, red, and blue) and the other visual motifs (spirals, grids, breaking glass). I compare the different runs (green/running, red/thinking, blue/feeling). And I chide reviewers for wishing the film was deeper when THE WHOLE POINT OF THE FILM is that asking deep questions is a trap, and you've just got to run and love and trust and hope for the best.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/05/commentary-run-lola-run/feed/ 1 1:22:58 Join me as I rush thru the 1998 German film Run, Lola, Run, the pulse-pounding story of a girl running around Berlin over and over until she gambles her way to happiness. I compare the film to video games and religious allegory—which it is not—and t[...] Join me as I rush thru the 1998 German film Run, Lola, Run, the pulse-pounding story of a girl running around Berlin over and over until she gambles her way to happiness. I compare the film to video games and religious allegory—which it is not—and to fairy tales, humanist philosophy, and roulette—which it is. I wax poetical about free will vs determinism and chance vs causation. I discuss the film's somewhat arch use of numerous techniques to represent the different stories and time frames. But I'm so deep into philosophy I forget to identify any guns or cars other than Manni's Walther PPK. I explain the color motifs (Manni = blue and yellow; Lola = green, red, and blue) and the other visual motifs (spirals, grids, breaking glass). I compare the different runs (green/running, red/thinking, blue/feeling). And I chide reviewers for wishing the film was deeper when THE WHOLE POINT OF THE FILM is that asking deep questions is a trap, and you've just got to run and love and trust and hope for the best. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/05/commentary-almighty-thor-not-the-marvel-one/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/05/commentary-almighty-thor-not-the-marvel-one/#comments Mon, 16 May 2011 05:50:27 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1416 repeatedly losing his weapons. It probably doesn't help that we've just come from seeing the Marvel Thor movie in the theater and more-or-less enjoyed it. We try to figure out just what the characters are trying to do and why the chick with the weird name and weirder accent knows everything and Thor knows nothing. We try to figure out why Richard Grieco is just wandering around. And we try to figure out if this is the worst movie we've ever seen or just one of the worst movies we've ever seen. We enjoy the terror dogs from Ghostbusters and the lindworms from—I don't know—Lind? Do not operate heavy machinery after watching this film.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/05/commentary-almighty-thor-not-the-marvel-one/feed/ 0 1:39:10 It's a genuine mockbuster from The Asylum, so join me and my special guest Wegel Pinsky—if you dare—as we slog thru the adventures of a totally-not-mighty Thor being schooled by a Mexican chick to fight a superpowerful Darth Loki in the forests of S[...] It's a genuine mockbuster from The Asylum, so join me and my special guest Wegel Pinsky—if you dare—as we slog thru the adventures of a totally-not-mighty Thor being schooled by a Mexican chick to fight a superpowerful Darth Loki in the forests of Scandinavia and, for some reason, alleys of Los Angeles and repeatedly losing his weapons. It probably doesn't help that we've just come from seeing the Marvel Thor movie in the theater and more-or-less enjoyed it. We try to figure out just what the characters are trying to do and why the chick with the weird name and weirder accent knows everything and Thor knows nothing. We try to figure out why Richard Grieco is just wandering around. And we try to figure out if this is the worst movie we've ever seen or just one of the worst movies we've ever seen. We enjoy the terror dogs from Ghostbusters and the lindworms from—I don't know—Lind? Do not operate heavy machinery after watching this film. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/05/commentary-aliens-special-edition/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/05/commentary-aliens-special-edition/#comments Mon, 09 May 2011 04:15:43 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1371 40 minutes) at a whole host of aliens (which you don't actually hit for another 35 minutes) in this sequel to the timeless monster movie Alien. Join me as I examine the special edition and its themes of motherhood and self-actualization and blowin' sh*t up and corporations are bad. I compare the film to the original and to various other films by Cameron and others. I go Wierzbowski hunting. I imagine Jerry Seinfeld in place of Paul Reiser. I call it "nearly perfect", altho I lament the concept of the alien hive with a queen. And I call out all the little Cameron-romance moments ("We're gonna die! I kind of like you!").]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/05/commentary-aliens-special-edition/feed/ 5 2:37:31 James Cameron blasts you out of a cannon (after loading you and packing you with powder for, like, 40 minutes) at a whole host of aliens (which you don't actually hit for another 35 minutes) in this sequel to the timeless monster movie Alien. Join m[...] James Cameron blasts you out of a cannon (after loading you and packing you with powder for, like, 40 minutes) at a whole host of aliens (which you don't actually hit for another 35 minutes) in this sequel to the timeless monster movie Alien. Join me as I examine the special edition and its themes of motherhood and self-actualization and blowin' sh*t up and corporations are bad. I compare the film to the original and to various other films by Cameron and others. I go Wierzbowski hunting. I imagine Jerry Seinfeld in place of Paul Reiser. I call it "nearly perfect", altho I lament the concept of the alien hive with a queen. And I call out all the little Cameron-romance moments ("We're gonna die! I kind of like you!"). Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/04/commentary-star-trek-ii-with-speakeasy/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/04/commentary-star-trek-ii-with-speakeasy/#comments Mon, 25 Apr 2011 15:22:40 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1379 http://www.tysto.com/2011/04/commentary-star-trek-ii-with-speakeasy/feed/ 0 1:52:59 Join me as I join the Doctor again for another trek into space! Together, we examine the meaning of friendship and sacrifice and [shifts jaw awkwardly] "human". We examine the structure of the story and debate the artificiality of Shatner's hair and[...] Join me as I join the Doctor again for another trek into space! Together, we examine the meaning of friendship and sacrifice and [shifts jaw awkwardly] "human". We examine the structure of the story and debate the artificiality of Shatner's hair and Montalban's chest. We contemplate Sean Connery as a scholar of Judaism and wonder about how Sulu spent the time between TPM and WoK and also how many times Kirk has had to fight an illegitimate child to the death. Overall, we love the film, altho it is perhaps slightly more talky and less profound than many would like to pretend. I can't remember the phrase "affirmative action". And we get cut off briefly at one point but quickly get back on track. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/04/commentary-indiana-jones-and-the-last-crusade/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/04/commentary-indiana-jones-and-the-last-crusade/#comments Mon, 18 Apr 2011 04:35:19 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1365 http://www.tysto.com/2011/04/commentary-indiana-jones-and-the-last-crusade/feed/ 0 2:05:35 Indy’s back for the third and final time! (Unless you count the fourth film.) Join me as I examine the way the third film returns to familiar territory in welcome ways… and then kind of wears out its welcome by the end. I explore the father-son them[...] Indy’s back for the third and final time! (Unless you count the fourth film.) Join me as I examine the way the third film returns to familiar territory in welcome ways… and then kind of wears out its welcome by the end. I explore the father-son theme, the shift from Jewish to Indian to Christian to, um, alien religion and the way the tone has shifted from a little too dark to a little too light. Overall, I love the film, tho, and never take to bashing it. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/04/commentary-the-maltese-falcon-2/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/04/commentary-the-maltese-falcon-2/#comments Mon, 04 Apr 2011 04:23:02 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1350 The Maltese Falcon. I compare it to the book a little (it's nearly identical) and the 1931 version (it's way better), as well as Citizen Kane and later films noir and hard-boiled detective films. I complain about Astor's performance (and general non-sexiness, if you ask me) and about the somewhat repetitive talkiness of the film, but I really do love it. I just can't quite call it "nearly perfect". I take it apart and examine the pieces, particularly the character motivations and directorial style and explain what an "automatic revolver" is.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/04/commentary-the-maltese-falcon-2/feed/ 0 1:42:43 Join me as I watch Humphrey Bogart take on Sidney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre—not to mention that duplicitous whore Mary Astor—in John Huston's version of Dashiell Hammett's The Maltese Falcon. I compare it to the book a little (it's nearly identica[...] Join me as I watch Humphrey Bogart take on Sidney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre—not to mention that duplicitous whore Mary Astor—in John Huston's version of Dashiell Hammett's The Maltese Falcon. I compare it to the book a little (it's nearly identical) and the 1931 version (it's way better), as well as Citizen Kane and later films noir and hard-boiled detective films. I complain about Astor's performance (and general non-sexiness, if you ask me) and about the somewhat repetitive talkiness of the film, but I really do love it. I just can't quite call it "nearly perfect". I take it apart and examine the pieces, particularly the character motivations and directorial style and explain what an "automatic revolver" is. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/03/commentary-titanic-ii/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/03/commentary-titanic-ii/#comments Mon, 21 Mar 2011 04:15:31 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1338 http://www.tysto.com/2011/03/commentary-titanic-ii/feed/ 0 1:33:03 It's the Asylum again, back for another sight-unseen commentary, this time with 100% fewer giant monsters! I don't know if that's a good thing, but it certainly makes for a higher quality film, easily besting the original 1997 James Cameron romantic[...] It's the Asylum again, back for another sight-unseen commentary, this time with 100% fewer giant monsters! I don't know if that's a good thing, but it certainly makes for a higher quality film, easily besting the original 1997 James Cameron romantic-tragedy epic boo-hoo-fest, which I hated like Pol Pot and Baby Doc Duvalier. There are no pop stars in this one, just a solid performance by Bruce Davison, a welcome bit by Brooke Burns, and a decent job by writer/director/star Shane Van Dyke as well as by the lips attached to Marie Wesbrook. I make fun of some names, some effects, and various ship nonsense. At times, I long for a mega shark and pray for the iceberg to eat a helicopter, but overall I liked it and was rather impressed by it. If this had been put out by a major studio with Roland Emmerich money for effects and advertising, it would have been a genuine blockbuster. (Which is different from saying it would have been a good film, by the way.) Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/03/commentary-star-trek-tmp-with-speakeasy/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/03/commentary-star-trek-tmp-with-speakeasy/#comments Mon, 14 Mar 2011 04:25:19 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1326 http://www.tysto.com/2011/03/commentary-star-trek-tmp-with-speakeasy/feed/ 4 2:16:38 The Doctor joins me again for another walk down memory lane, this time with Robert Wise and Alan Dean Foster's tribute to 2001: A Space Odyssey and slow-motion model work. We both love the film and William Shatner and Persis Khambatta and the idea t[...] The Doctor joins me again for another walk down memory lane, this time with Robert Wise and Alan Dean Foster's tribute to 2001: A Space Odyssey and slow-motion model work. We both love the film and William Shatner and Persis Khambatta and the idea that Decker might just be responsible for creating the Borg. We're watching the director's cut, with the silver "Paramount Pictures Presents" lettering at the beginning and not the theatrical cut with the gold lettering. The differences are not enormous. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/03/commentary-the-spy-who-loved-me/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/03/commentary-the-spy-who-loved-me/#comments Mon, 07 Mar 2011 05:01:37 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1312 http://www.tysto.com/2011/03/commentary-the-spy-who-loved-me/feed/ 0 2:08:03 It's the heart-wrenching tale of chance meetings between wounded hearts, daring to reach out, daring to trust again. Also, a 7-foot-tall metal-jawed psychopath bites people to death while his boss captures submarines. Join me for the tenth Bond film[...] It's the heart-wrenching tale of chance meetings between wounded hearts, daring to reach out, daring to trust again. Also, a 7-foot-tall metal-jawed psychopath bites people to death while his boss captures submarines. Join me for the tenth Bond film and one of the very best. This remains my favorite, but that doesn't mean it's perfect. I compare it to the book that it's nothing like. I thrill at the adventure and swoon at the passion (well, cleavage). I mock the acting and disco music. I point out the—ahem—"re-use" of previous Bond plot devices. And I marvel at the incredible plan/backup plan/backup backup plan that Stromberg seems to repeatedly employ. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/02/commentary-mega-python-vs-gatoroid/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/02/commentary-mega-python-vs-gatoroid/#comments Mon, 28 Feb 2011 05:44:23 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1306 http://www.tysto.com/2011/02/commentary-mega-python-vs-gatoroid/feed/ 4 1:35:46 It's another Asylum monster/pop star extravaganza, this time with both Debbie Gibson and Tiffany [last name unknown], as well as a Martinez. 'Which Martinez?' you ask? THE Martinez. And a host of pythons and alligators-that-look-more-like-crocodiles[...] It's another Asylum monster/pop star extravaganza, this time with both Debbie Gibson and Tiffany [last name unknown], as well as a Martinez. 'Which Martinez?' you ask? THE Martinez. And a host of pythons and alligators-that-look-more-like-crocodiles-to-me rise out of the Everglades to attack Florida, which I again write off as a total loss. (Seriously, America, we're fully insured, right?) There is pop music (some of which is pretty damn good), cars, and helicopters that change shape in mid-air. There's a herpatologist who can fly a helicopter and an animal rights activist who cares passionately about releasing non-native predators into Florida swamps. Other highlights: swallowing, biting, shooting, and cleavage. Plus, a secret surprise I guarantee will surprise you with its secret! I praise the acting (I think; it's tough to remember all the crap I say, sometimes) but ding the directing (close-ups of people getting eaten is fundamentally cinematically different from people getting eaten). Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/02/i-heart-precision-t-shirt/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/02/i-heart-precision-t-shirt/#comments Sun, 20 Feb 2011 04:22:53 +0000 Webmaster http://www.tysto.com/?p=1322 http://www.tysto.com/2011/02/i-heart-precision-t-shirt/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2011/02/commentary-star-wars-5-the-empire-strikes-back-special-ed/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/02/commentary-star-wars-5-the-empire-strikes-back-special-ed/#comments Mon, 14 Feb 2011 05:31:11 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1226 Star Wars saga, this time dismantling the best film of the series. I examine Luke's story within the film and within the saga, as well as Vader's. I analyze Han and Leia's story as a romantic tragedy hors d'oeuvre that barely connects to the real story. And I compare the film to the prequels, Casablanca, adventure serials of the 1930s, samurai and western movies, Flash Gordon, and The Karate Kid. I try to determine the timeline, point out John Ratzenberger, and do stunningly life-like impressions of George Lucas and Darth Vader. I psychoanalyze Yoda and question Lando's sexuality. Courting controversy, I declare my love for ewoks, root for Admiral Piett to retire to a villa on the Black Sea, and imagine daily life for stormtroopers. And I confidently assert that Han and Leia closed the deal by the time they met Vader at Cloud City.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/02/commentary-star-wars-5-the-empire-strikes-back-special-ed/feed/ 0 2:04:50 Join me for a fourth helping of the Star Wars saga, this time dismantling the best film of the series. I examine Luke's story within the film and within the saga, as well as Vader's. I analyze Han and Leia's story as a romantic tragedy hors d'oeuvre[...] Join me for a fourth helping of the Star Wars saga, this time dismantling the best film of the series. I examine Luke's story within the film and within the saga, as well as Vader's. I analyze Han and Leia's story as a romantic tragedy hors d'oeuvre that barely connects to the real story. And I compare the film to the prequels, Casablanca, adventure serials of the 1930s, samurai and western movies, Flash Gordon, and The Karate Kid. I try to determine the timeline, point out John Ratzenberger, and do stunningly life-like impressions of George Lucas and Darth Vader. I psychoanalyze Yoda and question Lando's sexuality. Courting controversy, I declare my love for ewoks, root for Admiral Piett to retire to a villa on the Black Sea, and imagine daily life for stormtroopers. And I confidently assert that Han and Leia closed the deal by the time they met Vader at Cloud City. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/commentary-man-w-golden-gun/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/commentary-man-w-golden-gun/#comments Mon, 31 Jan 2011 11:07:31 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1207 Live and Let Die. I point out the not-so-subtle foreshadowing, analyze Scaramanga as a villain and Andrea as an ally. I try to figure out what country we're in, what the purpose of the custom golden gun is, and what Nick Nack's motivation is. I enjoy Maud Adams and Brit Eckland, and I positively adore the half-sunken ship secret spy office.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/commentary-man-w-golden-gun/feed/ 0 2:08:53 Bond's ninth outing is Moore's second. Join me as I analyze the story, the girls, the cars, the gadgets—by which I mean the fake nipple—and the seemingly endless, awful JW Pepper scenes. However, I actually find myself defending the film against the[...] Bond's ninth outing is Moore's second. Join me as I analyze the story, the girls, the cars, the gadgets—by which I mean the fake nipple—and the seemingly endless, awful JW Pepper scenes. However, I actually find myself defending the film against the haters and end up enjoying it fairly well on its own merits, at least a fair amount more than I did Live and Let Die. I point out the not-so-subtle foreshadowing, analyze Scaramanga as a villain and Andrea as an ally. I try to figure out what country we're in, what the purpose of the custom golden gun is, and what Nick Nack's motivation is. I enjoy Maud Adams and Brit Eckland, and I positively adore the half-sunken ship secret spy office. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/numbers-most-popular-tysto-commentaries/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/numbers-most-popular-tysto-commentaries/#comments Mon, 24 Jan 2011 02:14:20 +0000 Webmaster http://www.tysto.com/?p=1234 http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/numbers-most-popular-tysto-commentaries/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/commentary-the-terminator/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/commentary-the-terminator/#comments Mon, 17 Jan 2011 05:00:55 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1195 Predator 2, but it's actually Alien vs Predator. I compare the film to Star Wars, Westworld, King Kong, Aliens, The Thing From Another World, Halloween, Back to the Future, and Harvey. I do a Jimmy Stewart impression. I bleep myself a couple of times to avoid the explicit tag. And I say that Brigitte Nielsen—who does not appear in this film—is German when she is actually Danish.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/commentary-the-terminator/feed/ 6 1:46:10 Linda Hamilton is a diner waitress who rises to the occasion when a robot killer from the future drives his Delorean at 88 miles an hour to leap into the past in hopes of keeping his parents from meeting... or something like that. Michael Biehn is s[...] Linda Hamilton is a diner waitress who rises to the occasion when a robot killer from the future drives his Delorean at 88 miles an hour to leap into the past in hopes of keeping his parents from meeting... or something like that. Michael Biehn is sent back to stop him and engage in some baby-makin'—and that's worth arriving naked in LA for. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a relentless robot and also happens to play a relentless robot who gets an apartment to settle down and rest and keep a kitty. And Bill Paxton and Lance Henriksen are killed by their first franchise monster, with long and illustrious careers ahead of them where they repeatedly get killed by franchise monsters. I mistakenly say Henriksen is killed by a predator in Predator 2, but it's actually Alien vs Predator. I compare the film to Star Wars, Westworld, King Kong, Aliens, The Thing From Another World, Halloween, Back to the Future, and Harvey. I do a Jimmy Stewart impression. I bleep myself a couple of times to avoid the explicit tag. And I say that Brigitte Nielsen—who does not appear in this film—is German when she is actually Danish. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/new-years-resolutions/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/new-years-resolutions/#comments Thu, 06 Jan 2011 04:05:34 +0000 Webmaster http://www.tysto.com/?p=1187 http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/new-years-resolutions/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/commentary-mega-piranha/ http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/commentary-mega-piranha/#comments Mon, 03 Jan 2011 11:29:00 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1177 http://www.tysto.com/2011/01/commentary-mega-piranha/feed/ 0 1:35:34 Over-sized piranhas are attacking Venezuela! Join me as I watch the film for the first time and attempt to figure out what is going on; why fish bark, roar, and oink; and why everything seems to have been shot at 6 o'clock in the evening. Listen as [...] Over-sized piranhas are attacking Venezuela! Join me as I watch the film for the first time and attempt to figure out what is going on; why fish bark, roar, and oink; and why everything seems to have been shot at 6 o'clock in the evening. Listen as I identify the multiple artificial ticking clocks, write off the entire state of Florida, and calculate the growth rate of genetically modified fish on a scratch pad several times—oh wait, the characters do that last one. I research the extensive film biographies of Tiffany [last name unknown], Barry Williams, Paul "I'm not Paul Hogan" Logan, and director Eric Forsberg and come up pretty dry. However, they all do a pretty great job, so I have no complaints. Oh wait, I do complain that the titles aren't left on screen long enough. (I'm a slow reader!) And I complain that there aren't any subtitles or extras on the Blu-ray. That's right—I'm watchin' this puppy on Blu-ray! (from the $5 bargain bin) No more commercials! Bonus: brown lady boobs! Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/12/commentary-psycho-1960/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/12/commentary-psycho-1960/#comments Thu, 30 Dec 2010 20:54:01 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1163 Death Proof, The Searchers, A Fistful of Dollars, and Dirty Harry. I quote from Peter Bogdonovich's book a few times. And I examine the motifs and symbols (birds = chicks; windows = windows). I mix up the name of the town and the name of the cemetery several times. I bring up the delicate subjects of Mama Bates' age and the depth of Norman's desert swamp. Plus, I rewrite the picture so it's as conventional as possible—with a happy ending! Oh, and I laugh like a ninny. Enjoy!]]> http://www.tysto.com/2010/12/commentary-psycho-1960/feed/ 1 1:57:37 Jamie Lee Curtis' mom takes it on the lam! Join me as I have a hell of a lot of fun examining Alfred Hitchcock's great low-budget suspense flick. I compare it to Hitch's other work, to the 1998 shot-for-shot remake, and to Death Proof, The Searchers[...] Jamie Lee Curtis' mom takes it on the lam! Join me as I have a hell of a lot of fun examining Alfred Hitchcock's great low-budget suspense flick. I compare it to Hitch's other work, to the 1998 shot-for-shot remake, and to Death Proof, The Searchers, A Fistful of Dollars, and Dirty Harry. I quote from Peter Bogdonovich's book a few times. And I examine the motifs and symbols (birds = chicks; windows = windows). I mix up the name of the town and the name of the cemetery several times. I bring up the delicate subjects of Mama Bates' age and the depth of Norman's desert swamp. Plus, I rewrite the picture so it's as conventional as possible—with a happy ending! Oh, and I laugh like a ninny. Enjoy! Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/12/a-rippers-christmas-carol/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/12/a-rippers-christmas-carol/#comments Fri, 24 Dec 2010 19:12:25 +0000 Webmaster http://www.tysto.com/?p=1157 Time After Time and also by the hilarious idea of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, I made this. It's a reworking of Dickens' A Christmas Carol with Jack the Ripper added in. It's a horror story for Christmas. Enjoy!]]> http://www.tysto.com/2010/12/a-rippers-christmas-carol/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2010/12/commentary-time-after-time-with-speakeasy/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/12/commentary-time-after-time-with-speakeasy/#comments Sun, 19 Dec 2010 00:46:05 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=1147 The Time Machine as well as to Air Wolf. We wonder why the time machine has an AM radio. But we fail to give Nicholas Meyer credit for sending his characters to the Chartered Bank of London and not to an imaginary "Bank of England." (Damn you, IMDb trivia page!)]]> http://www.tysto.com/2010/12/commentary-time-after-time-with-speakeasy/feed/ 0 1:57:20 Join the Doctor and me in the far-flung future of 1979, where we watch Caligula doggedly track down the Master Control Program and make sweet, sweet love to Doc Brown's wife. We compare English and American ideas of currency, gentlemen's clubs, heal[...] Join the Doctor and me in the far-flung future of 1979, where we watch Caligula doggedly track down the Master Control Program and make sweet, sweet love to Doc Brown's wife. We compare English and American ideas of currency, gentlemen's clubs, health care systems, and free love. We compare the character of Wells to Sherlock Holmes and Kyle Reese. And we compare the film to the 1960 The Time Machine as well as to Air Wolf. We wonder why the time machine has an AM radio. But we fail to give Nicholas Meyer credit for sending his characters to the Chartered Bank of London and not to an imaginary "Bank of England." (Damn you, IMDb trivia page!) Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-2010-moby-dick/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-2010-moby-dick/#comments Sun, 28 Nov 2010 03:47:43 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-2010-moby-dick/

Watch it for the first time

Compare it extensively to the original Herman Melville novel (it's about a guy hunting a whale)

Pick apart the intricacies of the plot (guy hunts whale, whale tries to eat aircraft in peace)

Analyze the symbolism (leg = penis; whale = thing that eats penises)

Get my 1978 Battlestar Galactica references all wrong (Starbuck = Apollo, Cassiopeia = Serina, robot dog = son, "biddi-biddi-biddi" = Twiki from Buck Rogers)

Review whale biology (female whales have udders, right?)

Never, ever compare it to Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, which this is better than

I praise the sets, CGI, directing, and acting—where appropriate (I'm lookin' at you, guy-with-the-blank-stare-of-a-cow). And I complain that everything is lit like an Italian restaurant. Enjoy!]]> http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-2010-moby-dick/feed/ 2 1:26:47 Barry Bostwick and Renée O'Connor team up to hunt down a gigantic whale somewhere in the south seas in this 2010 tale of a man, a whale, and a dream of killing that whale. Watch with me as I: Watch it for the first time Compare it extensively [...] Barry Bostwick and Renée O'Connor team up to hunt down a gigantic whale somewhere in the south seas in this 2010 tale of a man, a whale, and a dream of killing that whale. Watch with me as I: Watch it for the first time Compare it extensively to the original Herman Melville novel (it's about a guy hunting a whale) Pick apart the intricacies of the plot (guy hunts whale, whale tries to eat aircraft in peace) Analyze the symbolism (leg = penis; whale = thing that eats penises) Get my 1978 Battlestar Galactica references all wrong (Starbuck = Apollo, Cassiopeia = Serina, robot dog = son, "biddi-biddi-biddi" = Twiki from Buck Rogers) Review whale biology (female whales have udders, right?) Never, ever compare it to Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, which this is better than I praise the sets, CGI, directing, and acting—where appropriate (I'm lookin' at you, guy-with-the-blank-stare-of-a-cow). And I complain that everything is lit like an Italian restaurant. Enjoy! Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-live-and-let-die/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-live-and-let-die/#comments Thu, 25 Nov 2010 16:10:13 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-live-and-let-die/ Goldfinger). I compare the film to the earlier entries, to the book, to blaxploitation movies, and to Smokey and the Bandit. I praise Seymour, Kotto, and Moore, but mostly I complain that this just isn't one of the better entries. I take a break from obsessively identifying cars to obsessively differentiating between crocodiles and alligators.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-live-and-let-die/feed/ 1 2:04:55 Bond is back in number eight, and Moore is playing him for the first time. Everything is different, except that the cars are American again, the dames are American again, and the action is kind of lame again. But—hey—the bad guys are black this time[...] Bond is back in number eight, and Moore is playing him for the first time. Everything is different, except that the cars are American again, the dames are American again, and the action is kind of lame again. But—hey—the bad guys are black this time! I mock Felix Leiter and Whisper and condemn Rosie Carver and writer Tom Mankiewicz. I analyze Mr. Big's ruthlessly over-efficient gang machine. I mock Paul McCartney's grammar (but fail to mention how Bond dissed the Beatles in Goldfinger). I compare the film to the earlier entries, to the book, to blaxploitation movies, and to Smokey and the Bandit. I praise Seymour, Kotto, and Moore, but mostly I complain that this just isn't one of the better entries. I take a break from obsessively identifying cars to obsessively differentiating between crocodiles and alligators. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-sharktopus/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-sharktopus/#comments Sun, 14 Nov 2010 01:12:30 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-sharktopus/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-sharktopus/feed/ 1 1:48:30 Roger Corman and Eric Roberts team up with a crack team of effects artists to create an incredibly life-like simulation of Eric Roberts and a giant, bullet-proof shark-octopus hybrid which—somehow—gets out of control. It's an age-old story of love a[...] Roger Corman and Eric Roberts team up with a crack team of effects artists to create an incredibly life-like simulation of Eric Roberts and a giant, bullet-proof shark-octopus hybrid which—somehow—gets out of control. It's an age-old story of love and loss, and I watch it for the first time and never, ever, not-even-once compare it to Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Watch it with me as I try to piece together the complex story and explore structure, theme, and buckets and buckets of Kensington gore. I sing a little "Sharktopus's Garden", compare it to La Dolce Vita and Jaws, and come up with some ideas (copyright!) for more sea monster movies. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-westworld-with-speakeasy/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-westworld-with-speakeasy/#comments Sun, 07 Nov 2010 07:29:38 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-westworld-with-speakeasy/ Terminator Terminator that absolutely will not stop until you are dead in Michael Crichton's 1973 pre-Jurassic Park Jurassic Park: Westworld. The Doctor from The Speakeasy is back again as my guest to dismantle the film as a cautionary tale and as an advertisement for guilt-free sex tourism. We ponder the incredible danger inherent in a theme park where people are supposed to get into bar fights and sword fights with robots. We guess at the social hierarchy of technicians. And we speculate as to what would happen if James Brolin was the one in jail and nerdy lawyer Richard Benjamin was trying to get him out.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/commentary-westworld-with-speakeasy/feed/ 0 1:35:00 Yul Brynner is a pre-Terminator Terminator that absolutely will not stop until you are dead in Michael Crichton's 1973 pre-Jurassic Park Jurassic Park: Westworld. The Doctor from The Speakeasy is back again as my guest to dismantle the film as a cau[...] Yul Brynner is a pre-Terminator Terminator that absolutely will not stop until you are dead in Michael Crichton's 1973 pre-Jurassic Park Jurassic Park: Westworld. The Doctor from The Speakeasy is back again as my guest to dismantle the film as a cautionary tale and as an advertisement for guilt-free sex tourism. We ponder the incredible danger inherent in a theme park where people are supposed to get into bar fights and sword fights with robots. We guess at the social hierarchy of technicians. And we speculate as to what would happen if James Brolin was the one in jail and nerdy lawyer Richard Benjamin was trying to get him out. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/poll-what-next-for-commentaries/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/poll-what-next-for-commentaries/#comments Tue, 02 Nov 2010 01:19:09 +0000 Webmaster http://www.tysto.com/?p=1096 http://www.tysto.com/2010/11/poll-what-next-for-commentaries/feed/ 4 http://www.tysto.com/2010/10/commentary-nosferatu-1979/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/10/commentary-nosferatu-1979/#comments Sun, 24 Oct 2010 18:47:59 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/10/commentary-nosferatu-1979/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/10/commentary-nosferatu-1979/feed/ 1 1:48:30 Happy Halloween! It's the beguiling Isabelle Adjani and the beguiling Klaus Kinski with Hitler himself in Werner Herzog's love letter to FW Murnau— Nosferatu the Vampyre. I compare it to the novel and to Murnau's silent version. And I compare it a b[...] Happy Halloween! It's the beguiling Isabelle Adjani and the beguiling Klaus Kinski with Hitler himself in Werner Herzog's love letter to FW Murnau— Nosferatu the Vampyre. I compare it to the novel and to Murnau's silent version. And I compare it a bit to Fright Night, The Seventh Seal, and a few others. I mock Harker's high-waisted pants and the self-conscious directorial touches, but overall I love the movie and praise it as much as possible while exploring its foibles. I indulge in some komedy dialog sync and boldly suggest that the film depicts the strongest female protagonist in any vampire film but that it could do with some Hammer-style boobs. Enjoy! Start the movie with the countdown at the very beginning with the mummified babies. Yes: mummified babies. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/10/commentary-close-encounters-with-speakeasy/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/10/commentary-close-encounters-with-speakeasy/#comments Mon, 04 Oct 2010 22:09:05 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/10/commentary-close-encounters-with-speakeasy/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/10/commentary-close-encounters-with-speakeasy/feed/ 0 2:04:55 The Doctor is back again—in stereo! This time, he's hosting me for a look at Steven Spielberg's incredible 1977 masterpiece Close Encounters of the Third Kind. We don't have a cross word to say about the film except perhaps that the aliens seems to [...] The Doctor is back again—in stereo! This time, he's hosting me for a look at Steven Spielberg's incredible 1977 masterpiece Close Encounters of the Third Kind. We don't have a cross word to say about the film except perhaps that the aliens seems to act more like raccoons than visitors from another planet. The Doctor and I converse on the UFO phenomenon of the 1970s, Indiana geography, alien biology, Richard Dreyfus's insanity, and Steven Spielberg's belief that aliens and angels are the same thing. We discuss the film as a character piece, as a horror movie with no horror, and as a treatise on communication in general. We discuss the possibility that the aliens are a rock band. And we imagine Lance "Itchy Trigger Finger" Henriksen having a flash-forward to his other films and shooting up the aliens. I forget to make a joke about the Harper Valley PTA (that's where Dreyfus is driving when he has his initial encounter). And we forget to mention that this is the first of our five collaborations where none of the main characters is liquored up a good part of the time. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/09/commentary-diamonds-are-forever/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/09/commentary-diamonds-are-forever/#comments Mon, 27 Sep 2010 06:37:28 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/09/commentary-diamonds-are-forever/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/09/commentary-diamonds-are-forever/feed/ 0 2:04:55 Bond is back, and Connery is playing him—for one last, tired, somewhat out-of-shape, slightly graying time. The cars are American, the dames are American, the villains are campy, and the action is weak, but it's not so bad. It's got sausage king Jim[...] Bond is back, and Connery is playing him—for one last, tired, somewhat out-of-shape, slightly graying time. The cars are American, the dames are American, the villains are campy, and the action is weak, but it's not so bad. It's got sausage king Jimmy Dean! I follow the threads of a plot where Bond actually does some investigating, albeit one in which he himself overcomplicates things for no reason. I examine Bond's need to put the whole murdered-wife-being-the-result-of-his-own-incompetence thing behind him. And I also examine why M feels the need to be such a jerk to the guy who repeatedly saved Europe from the most wanted man since Hitler. I suggest that what is difficult is not necessarily spectacular and that an elephant that hits a jackpot ought to be able to buy its freedom. I examine the wisdom of creating doubles of yourself when you're holed up in a penthouse you never leave. Also I further explore my theory of Blofeld's secret pathological need to be a philanthropist. I can't remember Denise Richards' name. I forget to mention that Charles Gray (Blofeld here) was Bond's wooden-legged-and-doomed contact in You Only Live Twice. I do successfully identify Bond semi-regular Shane Rimmer. Oh, and I sing part of the theme song. So, you know, don't miss that. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/09/commentary-the-fifth-element/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/09/commentary-the-fifth-element/#comments Mon, 13 Sep 2010 05:16:53 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/09/commentary-the-fifth-element/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/09/commentary-the-fifth-element/feed/ 0 2:03:45 Bonjour! Join me as I tackle my first foreign film, the très Français sci fi blockbuster The Fifth Element. It's the heart-warming story of Bruce Willis as a down-on-his-luck cab driver who meets girl of his dreams Milla Jovovich and takes her on a [...] Bonjour! Join me as I tackle my first foreign film, the très Français sci fi blockbuster The Fifth Element. It's the heart-warming story of Bruce Willis as a down-on-his-luck cab driver who meets girl of his dreams Milla Jovovich and takes her on a vacation that includes a cruise ship and Egypt (and 'splosions!). She's beautiful, she's young (waaaay younger than him, actually), she's a natural redhead (well, clown orange, actually), she's a perfect being genetically engineered to fight evil, and she dresses like a Cirque du Soleil performer. What more could you ask for? Multipass! I give some background on the movie and why it's so very, very French. I compare it to Heavy Metal, Fright Night, Léon, Blade Runner, other Bruce Willis movies, and other Milla Jovovich movies. I heap praise on Milla and Bruce, as well as on Brion James and Ian Holm. I suggest that David's collection of makeup and women's-wear might indicate that he has hobbies outside the priesthood. I wonder if Zorg is possessed by alien chocolate syrup. And I try to remember all the other times in movies that Milla Jovovich has woken up naked in a laboratory. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/09/commentary-star-wars-theatrical/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/09/commentary-star-wars-theatrical/#comments Thu, 02 Sep 2010 03:01:52 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/09/commentary-star-wars-theatrical/ Star Wars from the bonus disk of the slim case boxed set. This is the one you may remember from VHS or laser disk or etched into stone tablets on Mount Olympus. It is the Star Wars. I spend all my time disassembling the story and examining it piece by piece except when I'm making fun of C-3P0 or dismissing Chewbacca. I compare it to The Hidden Fortress, the hero's journey monomyth, King Arthur, Gilgamesh, Greek myths, westerns, and Flash Gordon serials. I attempt to "fix" it—and by doing a lot more than making Greedo shoot first.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2010/09/commentary-star-wars-theatrical/feed/ 0 2:03:45 Yes, incredibly, I've broken my solemn oath not to do a Star Wars commentary a third time, this time by commentating on the original version of Star Wars from the bonus disk of the slim case boxed set. This is the one you may remember from VHS or la[...] Yes, incredibly, I've broken my solemn oath not to do a Star Wars commentary a third time, this time by commentating on the original version of Star Wars from the bonus disk of the slim case boxed set. This is the one you may remember from VHS or laser disk or etched into stone tablets on Mount Olympus. It is the Star Wars. I spend all my time disassembling the story and examining it piece by piece except when I'm making fun of C-3P0 or dismissing Chewbacca. I compare it to The Hidden Fortress, the hero's journey monomyth, King Arthur, Gilgamesh, Greek myths, westerns, and Flash Gordon serials. I attempt to "fix" it—and by doing a lot more than making Greedo shoot first. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/08/postcards-from-the-netherlands-part-3-of-3/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/08/postcards-from-the-netherlands-part-3-of-3/#comments Thu, 26 Aug 2010 02:06:27 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/07/postcards-from-the-netherlands-part-3-of-3/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/08/postcards-from-the-netherlands-part-3-of-3/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2010/08/postcards-from-the-netherlands-part-2-of-3/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/08/postcards-from-the-netherlands-part-2-of-3/#comments Wed, 18 Aug 2010 15:27:45 +0000 Derek Jensen http://1851726487 http://www.tysto.com/2010/08/postcards-from-the-netherlands-part-2-of-3/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2010/08/postcards-from-the-netherlands-part-1-of-3/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/08/postcards-from-the-netherlands-part-1-of-3/#comments Tue, 17 Aug 2010 00:08:34 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=820 http://www.tysto.com/2010/08/postcards-from-the-netherlands-part-1-of-3/feed/ 1 http://www.tysto.com/2010/08/commentary-star-wars-4-a-new-hope/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/08/commentary-star-wars-4-a-new-hope/#comments Mon, 16 Aug 2010 00:48:47 +0000 Derek Jensen http://1761961913 Star Wars films. Together we contemplate the value of an escape pod that dumps you in the middle of a giant desert, the wisdom of Jawas not to wipe the memories of the droids they find, and the likelihood of a giant aquatic snake getting onto a space station. We try to figure out Darth Vader's rank in relation to the various Moffs and Grand Moffs in this and the next movie, and how Peter Cushing could have been the good guy in old vampire movies when he looks like a vampire in this movie. We mull over the value of droids that can barely walk or roll, have no arms, and can't speak; narrow walkways without railings; and a headset on a wookie that just goes "Aaawr!" One of us laments the loss of Porkins and Biggs, and one of us roots for the death of Biggs. Why? You won't believe the reason.]]> http://www.tysto.com/2010/08/commentary-star-wars-4-a-new-hope/feed/ 0 2:02:44 I am joined by my padawan nephew "Noron" for a rip-roaring adventure in space with droids and stormtroopers and everything in a commentary for the first (chronologically) of the Star Wars films. Together we contemplate the value of an escape pod tha[...] I am joined by my padawan nephew "Noron" for a rip-roaring adventure in space with droids and stormtroopers and everything in a commentary for the first (chronologically) of the Star Wars films. Together we contemplate the value of an escape pod that dumps you in the middle of a giant desert, the wisdom of Jawas not to wipe the memories of the droids they find, and the likelihood of a giant aquatic snake getting onto a space station. We try to figure out Darth Vader's rank in relation to the various Moffs and Grand Moffs in this and the next movie, and how Peter Cushing could have been the good guy in old vampire movies when he looks like a vampire in this movie. We mull over the value of droids that can barely walk or roll, have no arms, and can't speak; narrow walkways without railings; and a headset on a wookie that just goes "Aaawr!" One of us laments the loss of Porkins and Biggs, and one of us roots for the death of Biggs. Why? You won't believe the reason. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/07/commentary-on-her-majestys-secret-service/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/07/commentary-on-her-majestys-secret-service/#comments Thu, 29 Jul 2010 00:11:29 +0000 Derek Jensen http://781304348 http://www.tysto.com/2010/07/commentary-on-her-majestys-secret-service/feed/ 1 2:28:21 Bond is back again and Lazenby plays him. Join me as I investigate the one and only appearance of George Lazenby in the role and try to figure out what the hell is going on. I mock the nonsensical missions-that-aren't-missions, gadgets-that-aren't-[...] Bond is back again and Lazenby plays him. Join me as I investigate the one and only appearance of George Lazenby in the role and try to figure out what the hell is going on. I mock the nonsensical missions-that-aren't-missions, gadgets-that-aren't-gadgets, and Blofeld's plan-that-isn't-a-plan that amounts to hypno-zombie debutantes with poison spray bottles. I analyze Blofeld's weird philanthropic tendencies, Tracy's unexplained suicidal tendencies, and her father's henchmen's random homicidal tendencies. And I analyze Bond's cozy relationship with the self-confessed second-biggest crime lord in Europe. I obsessively identify the various cars. I try to imagine a less likely man to pretend to be a homosexual in a skirt and frilly blouse. I try to identify the moment Bond genuinely falls in love. And I try to identify the moment Bond realizes that his sex addiction has allowed a known international terror-extortionist to successfully launch his plan. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/07/european-vacation-part-3/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/07/european-vacation-part-3/#comments Sun, 18 Jul 2010 18:02:55 +0000 Derek Jensen http://362539509 http://www.tysto.com/2010/07/european-vacation-part-3/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2010/07/european-vacation-part-2/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/07/european-vacation-part-2/#comments Sat, 17 Jul 2010 21:31:06 +0000 Derek Jensen http://1245204562 http://www.tysto.com/2010/07/european-vacation-part-2/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2010/07/european-vacation-part-1/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/07/european-vacation-part-1/#comments Tue, 13 Jul 2010 11:08:31 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=788 http://www.tysto.com/2010/07/european-vacation-part-1/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2010/06/drews-graduation/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/06/drews-graduation/#comments Thu, 10 Jun 2010 11:05:04 +0000 Derek Jensen http://1383640980 http://www.tysto.com/2010/06/drews-graduation/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2010/06/jacobs-graduation/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/06/jacobs-graduation/#comments Thu, 10 Jun 2010 06:06:25 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=759 http://www.tysto.com/2010/06/jacobs-graduation/feed/ 2 http://www.tysto.com/2010/06/tysto-now-on-itunes/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/06/tysto-now-on-itunes/#comments Thu, 10 Jun 2010 05:39:55 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=753 http://www.tysto.com/2010/06/tysto-now-on-itunes/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2010/06/commentary-you-only-live-twice/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/06/commentary-you-only-live-twice/#comments Tue, 08 Jun 2010 18:34:12 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/06/commentary-you-only-live-twice/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/06/commentary-you-only-live-twice/feed/ 0 1:57:56 Bond is back again and Connery plays him, this time as a humble Japanese fisherman with a "yen" for smoked salmon. (Get it!?) Ah, but the mysterious Osato Corporation has it out for him and will surely do him in if they ever get their miserable act [...] Bond is back again and Connery plays him, this time as a humble Japanese fisherman with a "yen" for smoked salmon. (Get it!?) Ah, but the mysterious Osato Corporation has it out for him and will surely do him in if they ever get their miserable act together and if they aren't foiled by a girl. I examine the overall plan of Spectre, the specifics of that plan, the lack of a plan by Bond, and the awesomeness of ninjas and secret volcano lairs. I mock the color-coded uniforms of Blofeld's men, the awkwardness of the gadgets in Aki's sweet Toyota 2000 sports car, the incredible convenience of certain plot twists, and the absurd unlikelihood of building a rocket base in a hollowed-out volcano with no one noticing. The film mocks me by serving up ninjas attacking a rocket base in a hollowed out volcano with no #@*&$ CGI. I mistakenly say that in the novel "Suki" tries to keep Bond and gets pregnant by him, but her name is "Kissy". "Suki" is the original name for film's character "Aki", who doesn't appear in the novel. Also, in keeping with the film's rating, I bleep myself a couple of times. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/messed-up/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/messed-up/#comments Tue, 18 May 2010 15:52:05 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=530 http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/messed-up/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/drews-senior-pictures/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/drews-senior-pictures/#comments Tue, 18 May 2010 06:28:53 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/drews-senior-pictures/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/drews-senior-pictures/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/nathans-graduation/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/nathans-graduation/#comments Sat, 15 May 2010 23:34:43 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=477 http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/nathans-graduation/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/something-is-horribly-wrong/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/something-is-horribly-wrong/#comments Fri, 14 May 2010 21:51:20 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=469 http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/something-is-horribly-wrong/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/commentary-star-trek-with-speakeasy/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/commentary-star-trek-with-speakeasy/#comments Fri, 14 May 2010 21:31:08 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/commentary-star-trek-with-speakeasy/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/05/commentary-star-trek-with-speakeasy/feed/ 0 2:08:58 JJ Abrams' reboot of the storied Star Trek franchise meets its match in the form of myself and the Doctor from Speakeasy Podcast, in which we deftly pick apart the minor plot inconsistencies, such as every single thing that happens. However, we do l[...] JJ Abrams' reboot of the storied Star Trek franchise meets its match in the form of myself and the Doctor from Speakeasy Podcast, in which we deftly pick apart the minor plot inconsistencies, such as every single thing that happens. However, we do love the film (even if it does feel like $150 million dollar fan fiction aimed at lens flare aficionados) so we fawn over the actors and effects and compare it to the original series and movies. But we also expose the ugly specter of racism and alcoholism in Starfleet (speaking of which: take a drink every time someone abandons his post as captain!). Errata: Thruout the film, I stupidly call the Narada the Naruto. Also, grog rations were ended by the British navy in 1970. And the one where Kirk angers Spock with insults is "This Side of Paradise" and not "Shore Leave". (Those are all mine. The Doctor's "facts" are all "true".) Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/04/commentary-son-of-frankenstein/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/04/commentary-son-of-frankenstein/#comments Sun, 25 Apr 2010 02:51:47 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/04/commentary-son-of-frankenstein/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/04/commentary-son-of-frankenstein/feed/ 2 1:40:50 It's still alive! Sherlock Holmes and Dracula meet Bambi and Frankenstein's Monster in the 1939 extension of the Frankenstein mythos. I mock the hilariously bizarre architecture, the ridiculous dart game, the absurd hair (and somewhat suspicious par[...] It's still alive! Sherlock Holmes and Dracula meet Bambi and Frankenstein's Monster in the 1939 extension of the Frankenstein mythos. I mock the hilariously bizarre architecture, the ridiculous dart game, the absurd hair (and somewhat suspicious parentage) of little Peter, and the Frankenstein Village board of commerce. I explore the father-son theme and compare it to the previous films and boldly suggest that 47+ years is a long damn time for a monster to be roaming the countryside murdering people without being discovered or getting some kind of name, especially from his decades-long live-in companion. I also suggest that if your town became famous for having a monster roaming around it, you could make a good buck off that if you market it the right way. And I gratuitously, but only momentarily, compare the Frankensteins to the royal family of England. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/04/clean-energy-on-a-smart-grid/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/04/clean-energy-on-a-smart-grid/#comments Wed, 07 Apr 2010 22:35:44 +0000 BB Rodriguez http://www.tysto.com/?p=439 http://www.tysto.com/2010/04/clean-energy-on-a-smart-grid/feed/ 1 http://www.tysto.com/2010/04/commentary-the-thing-with-speakeasy/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/04/commentary-the-thing-with-speakeasy/#comments Sat, 03 Apr 2010 23:46:34 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/04/commentary-the-thing-with-speakeasy/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/04/commentary-the-thing-with-speakeasy/feed/ 0 1:49:37 Kurt Russell and a bunch of "scientists" take on Rob Bottin and Stan Winston in a remake/readaptation of the 1950s monster flick, The Thing From Outer Space. The Doctor, of Speakeasy Commentaries, joins me for a third time—this time in glorious ster[...] Kurt Russell and a bunch of "scientists" take on Rob Bottin and Stan Winston in a remake/readaptation of the 1950s monster flick, The Thing From Outer Space. The Doctor, of Speakeasy Commentaries, joins me for a third time—this time in glorious stereophonic sound. We both love the film and heap praise all over it (even on the dog) and yet fail to credit the original author, John W Campbell, Jr. ("Who Goes There") or even the screen adapter, Bill Lancaster. We address such delicate questions as "who gets assimilated when?" "why keep rotting corpses indoors?" and "what's with Doc Copper's nose ring?" as well as marvel at the number of Vietnam-haunted alcoholic pot-smokers that were sent to live in the Antarctic for months at a time with firearms, dynamite, and flame-throwers. Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2010/03/commentary-phantom-menace-with-crazy-mr-plinkett/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/03/commentary-phantom-menace-with-crazy-mr-plinkett/#comments Sat, 20 Mar 2010 00:46:37 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/2010/03/commentary-phantom-menace-with-crazy-mr-plinkett/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/03/commentary-phantom-menace-with-crazy-mr-plinkett/feed/ 0 2:18:15 Liam Nissan and Ewan McDonald's use their laser swords to fight crime in the distant future! Natalie Portman and Keira Knightly are twins! Darth Vader wants to know: "Are you an angel?" A slave boy builds a diplomatic interpreter robot to help his m[...] Liam Nissan and Ewan McDonald's use their laser swords to fight crime in the distant future! Natalie Portman and Keira Knightly are twins! Darth Vader wants to know: "Are you an angel?" A slave boy builds a diplomatic interpreter robot to help his mom do the dishes! The Jedi Council stops at nothing sends one Jedi and his apprentice to uncover the rising Sith menace. An aquatic rabbit bumbles thru the entire movie and wins a robot battle! And WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAAAACE?! I edit Mr Plinkett of Red Letter Media into a commentary and interject my own observations and opinions (thereby breaking my pledge never to do a Star Wars commentary) whenever he runs out of things to rant about. Check out the original brilliantly funny and insightful video review of the film and several other terrific videos. Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2010/03/commentary-48-hrs/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/03/commentary-48-hrs/#comments Sat, 06 Mar 2010 06:24:11 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=3044b2da720478974b3831a5825e74b3feb16203324b64d8d58bfeb4b677a18639a24b788b7c2f0844b8b30217f7c7 http://www.tysto.com/2010/03/commentary-48-hrs/feed/ 1 1:37:19 Nick Nolte is a dirty, drunken jerk of a cop who needs Eddie Murphy's help to find a couple of crazy killers loose in San Francisco. I discuss the role of film as a bridge between 1970s cop movies and 1980s cop movies, place it in context with simil[...] Nick Nolte is a dirty, drunken jerk of a cop who needs Eddie Murphy's help to find a couple of crazy killers loose in San Francisco. I discuss the role of film as a bridge between 1970s cop movies and 1980s cop movies, place it in context with similar films, and examine the unusual structure. I explore how it fits into director Walter Hill's career as well as Nolte's and Murphy's. I pick apart the police procedural aspects, the weak romantic subplots, and the racial themes. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/02/commentary-jumanji/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/02/commentary-jumanji/#comments Mon, 15 Feb 2010 00:22:16 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=3044b2da720478974b3831a5825e74b3feb16203324b64d8d58bfeb4b677a18639a24b788b7c2f084 http://www.tysto.com/2010/02/commentary-jumanji/feed/ 0 1:39:52 Robin Williams falls into and out of the jungle world of Jumanji, fights a merciless killer, and realizes what it means to become a man (at least the standing-up-to-your-fears part; not so much the winkie-and-hoo-ha part). Join me as I deconstruct t[...] Robin Williams falls into and out of the jungle world of Jumanji, fights a merciless killer, and realizes what it means to become a man (at least the standing-up-to-your-fears part; not so much the winkie-and-hoo-ha part). Join me as I deconstruct the movie's theme of game-as-rite-of-passage and the Alan vs Van Pelt conflict; plan to make contingency plans for bad special effects if I write a screenplay; and laugh at the slow rhino. I also analyze the minor character roles, pick apart the rule that someone has to roll a 5 or 8 when there's only one player left to roll the dice, and try to think of a reason to bury a really cool box full of something really cool so children can eventually find it. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/02/commentary-iron-man-with-speakeasy/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/02/commentary-iron-man-with-speakeasy/#comments Tue, 02 Feb 2010 01:34:08 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=3044b2da720478974b3831a5825e74b3feb16203324b64d8d58bfeb4b677a18639a2 http://www.tysto.com/2010/02/commentary-iron-man-with-speakeasy/feed/ 1 2:14:44 Robert Downey, Jr. is Tony Stark! Tony Stark is Iron Man! Join me as I join The Doctor from Speakeasy Commentaries for the second time for a transoceanic fan commentary from two ridiculous movie/comic book geeks. The Doctor proves to be more of a c[...] Robert Downey, Jr. is Tony Stark! Tony Stark is Iron Man! Join me as I join The Doctor from Speakeasy Commentaries for the second time for a transoceanic fan commentary from two ridiculous movie/comic book geeks. The Doctor proves to be more of a comic book geek, as he explains the back story and history of Iron Man in the comic books (the storyline "Demon in a Bottle" is the one where Tony confronts his alcoholism). I prove to be more of the movie and music geek, as I explain the plot of A Christmas Story (Ralphie appears as a scientist) and the connection to Ozzy Osbourne (Ozzy sang for Black Sabbath and did the song "Iron Man"). We discuss Robert Downey, Jr. and Jon Favreau's other work and arrest records. We get off track in a discussion of national health care. The Doctor claims they've never shown Gilligan's Island in England. And I claim to be excited by the prospect of a Scarlet Witch movie. However, we are both very excited by the prospect of Iron Man 2 as well as an Avengers movie, especially with Samuel L Jackson. Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2010/01/commentary-back-to-the-future/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/01/commentary-back-to-the-future/#comments Sun, 31 Jan 2010 01:30:50 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=3044b2da720478974b3831a5825e74b3feb16203324b64d8d58bfeb http://www.tysto.com/2010/01/commentary-back-to-the-future/feed/ 0 1:57:13 Michael J Fox leaps into the past in a nuclear-powered Delorean in Steven Spielberg's Robert Zemeckis's 1985 time travel movie to end all time travel movies (except for the two sequels and the cartoon series). I discuss the nature of time travel, po[...] Michael J Fox leaps into the past in a nuclear-powered Delorean in Steven Spielberg's Robert Zemeckis's 1985 time travel movie to end all time travel movies (except for the two sequels and the cartoon series). I discuss the nature of time travel, point out the links to other films (like 1960's The Time Machine), and blather on at some length about the cars and the history of rock and roll from 1951 to 1955. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/01/commentary-indiana-jones-the-temple-of-doom/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/01/commentary-indiana-jones-the-temple-of-doom/#comments Sat, 16 Jan 2010 12:55:51 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=3044b2da720478974b3831a5825e74b3feb1620332 http://www.tysto.com/2010/01/commentary-indiana-jones-the-temple-of-doom/feed/ 0 1:57:57 Indy is back... uhh... pre-back... back earlier... whatever—in a prequel adventure set one year earlier in Asia, land of mystery and peril! (Before it became the land of cheap toys and tech support.) I compare it to the first and third movies and tr[...] Indy is back... uhh... pre-back... back earlier... whatever—in a prequel adventure set one year earlier in Asia, land of mystery and peril! (Before it became the land of cheap toys and tech support.) I compare it to the first and third movies and try to ignore the fourth. I discuss my surprising affection for both Short Round and Willie. I marvel at Lucas and Spielberg's ability to get child torture into a teen adventure film. (The secret: have a child do the torturing!) I deconstruct the episodic nature of the film and reveal the dullness of the middle part where they're just trudging thru jungle, playing cards, and getting slightly scared by animals. I discuss the problem of stacking all the action at the end, which of course is related. And I point out which characters are actually of no real value. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2010/01/commentary-thunderball/ http://www.tysto.com/2010/01/commentary-thunderball/#comments Sat, 02 Jan 2010 04:18:46 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=3044b2da720478974b3831a5825e7 http://www.tysto.com/2010/01/commentary-thunderball/feed/ 3 2:12:42 James Bond has returned in his fourth adventure, this time facing his deadliest foe yet: Spectre, headed by Blofeld, who wants to hold the world ransom for (pinky to lip) one hundred million dollars! I take the story apart, questioning why no one e[...] James Bond has returned in his fourth adventure, this time facing his deadliest foe yet: Spectre, headed by Blofeld, who wants to hold the world ransom for (pinky to lip) one hundred million dollars! I take the story apart, questioning why no one else notices the clues in the photos all the double-0 agents get, how weird and kind of pointless it is that Bond had a fight with the guy Blofeld hired to deliver his audio taped demands, and how weird and kind of pointless it is that Largo hooked up with the sister of the guy he recruited to steal the nuclear bombs. I marvel as Bond dances on a leg with a bleeding gunshot wound. I blither as nameless, faceless men stab each other under water. And I compare the film to the book and somewhat to the later non-Eon remake Never Say Never Again. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2009/12/qui-gon-jinn-vs-abraham-lincoln/ http://www.tysto.com/2009/12/qui-gon-jinn-vs-abraham-lincoln/#comments Mon, 28 Dec 2009 05:51:40 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=309 http://www.tysto.com/2009/12/qui-gon-jinn-vs-abraham-lincoln/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2009/12/commentary-mega-shark-vs-giant-octopus/ http://www.tysto.com/2009/12/commentary-mega-shark-vs-giant-octopus/#comments Sat, 19 Dec 2009 22:57:15 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=3044b2da72047897 http://www.tysto.com/2009/12/commentary-mega-shark-vs-giant-octopus/feed/ 0 1:34:38 Avast and ahoy, matey! There be monsters here! Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas arise out of the '80s to attack a defenseless mega shark and an innocent giant octopus with submarines. Join me as I watch this SyFy channel video nasty for the very fir[...] Avast and ahoy, matey! There be monsters here! Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas arise out of the '80s to attack a defenseless mega shark and an innocent giant octopus with submarines. Join me as I watch this SyFy channel video nasty for the very first time and marvel at the fake buttons, Ed Wood sets, and hot scientist-on-scientist action. I sing a little Debbie Gibson and call Lorenzo Lamas "Fernando Lamas" a couple of times (they're father and son). Also, I misquote Jaws* and Jerry Maguire** somewhat. Entertainment Tysto.com yes no http://www.tysto.com/2009/12/commentary-die-hard/ http://www.tysto.com/2009/12/commentary-die-hard/#comments Tue, 08 Dec 2009 22:57:15 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=304 http://www.tysto.com/2009/12/commentary-die-hard/feed/ 0 2:12:17 Join me as I take on the greatest '80s action movie of all. Bruce Willis gets the crap beaten out of him as New York cop John McClane. Alan Rickman is terrorist* criminal genius Hans Gruber. Bonnie Bedelia is a big-haired, shoulder-padded chess piec[...] Join me as I take on the greatest '80s action movie of all. Bruce Willis gets the crap beaten out of him as New York cop John McClane. Alan Rickman is terrorist* criminal genius Hans Gruber. Bonnie Bedelia is a big-haired, shoulder-padded chess piece. That one bad guy from The Goonies is one of the incompetent FBI guys that we need more of. That vice-principal guy from The Breakfast Club is one of many, many incompetent cops. Reginald Van Gleason Reginald VelJohnson is the guy who eats the Twinkies and is also an incompetent cop. I discuss the film as a chess match and compare it to the other Die Hard films and other action films of the era and the eras before and after. I examine why parts of the film are terrible despite the whole being a work of unparalleled genius. And I mock the Eurotrash bad guys from time to time and attempt to straighten out the "Shoot the glass" thing. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2009/12/50th-commentary-extravaganza-i-robot/ http://www.tysto.com/2009/12/50th-commentary-extravaganza-i-robot/#comments Sat, 05 Dec 2009 08:06:25 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=296 http://www.tysto.com/2009/12/50th-commentary-extravaganza-i-robot/feed/ 0 1:56:39 Will Smith and a colorless, odorless, brunette battle the evil that is slightly buggy computer programming in this thrilling adaptation of none of Isaac Asimov's thought-provoking works. For this, the big 50th Tysto audio commentary, I am joined by [...] Will Smith and a colorless, odorless, brunette battle the evil that is slightly buggy computer programming in this thrilling adaptation of none of Isaac Asimov's thought-provoking works. For this, the big 50th Tysto audio commentary, I am joined by Scott of Speakeasy Commentaries, a big fan of Asimov's work and an expert on science fiction in general. We stumble thru the introductions and then get right to the heart of mocking the product placement and the idea that this robot-filled, self-driving-car, Lake-Michigan-landfill world is only 31 years in the future of 2004. We explore sci-fi in general and Asimov in specific, as well as how terrible a driver Detective Spooner is and whether or not Doctor Lanning's cat is a robot, as well as making some Fresh Prince of Bel-Air jokes. Entertainment Tysto.com no no http://www.tysto.com/2009/11/80s-action-movie-timeline/ http://www.tysto.com/2009/11/80s-action-movie-timeline/#comments Sun, 22 Nov 2009 06:47:56 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=284 http://www.tysto.com/2009/11/80s-action-movie-timeline/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2009/11/tysto-film-commentaries/ http://www.tysto.com/2009/11/tysto-film-commentaries/#comments Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:15:17 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=257 http://www.tysto.com/2009/11/tysto-film-commentaries/feed/ 0 http://www.tysto.com/2009/11/commentary-the-39-steps/ http://www.tysto.com/2009/11/commentary-the-39-steps/#comments Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:52:37 +0000 Derek Jensen http://www.tysto.com/?p=252 http://www.tysto.com/2009/11/commentary-the-39-steps/feed/ 0 1:29:42 Alfred Hitchcock presents his first big hit with all the trimmings: the innocent man taking it on the lam, the tough and beautiful blond sparring with him, the quirky humor, and the weird conclusion. Listen as I compare the film to Young and Innocen[...] Alfred Hitchcock presents his first big hit with all the trimmings: the innocent man taking it on the lam, the tough and beautiful blond sparring with him, the quirky humor, and the weird conclusion. Listen as I compare the film to Young and Innocent and North by Northwest, talk about Hitchcock's early work and developing style, joke about the Scottish stereotypes, and stumble over British currency. Plus, you learn what a "crofter" is. Please note, however, that you will not learn what causes pip in poultry or how old Mae West is. Who am I? Mr. Memory? Entertainment Tysto.com no no