Danny Trejo IS Machete, the hard-charging illegal immigrant of your nightmares. Robert DeNiro is the Italian/Irish/Texan state senator. Jessica Alba is the the superhot tight-pantsed Immigration agent. Michelle Rodriguez (no relation to our co-director Robert) is the superhot taco truck lady! And that guy who is always a villain in these kinds of movies is the villain in this movie!

Join me as I watch it for the first time and narrate the bloody mess! Also! Don Johnson! Steven Seagal! Cheech Marin! Tom Savini! It’s completely ridiculous how many famous actors are crammed into this movie! Except Devon Aoki! That is NOT—repeat NOT—Devon Aoki! I almost forgot Lindsey Lohan! Who gets naked! As do other ladies, some more and some less full-frontally!

It’s an all-out race against time! I think! It might be an action-packed roller-coaster-ride! I’m not sure! This plot was more complicated than I bargained for!

Start the movie on the countdown after the 20th Century Fox logo has faded to black.

Machete commentary [ 1:43:26 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (265)

It’s an all-star commentary with myself, John of Sofa Dogs and Josh of Soulless Minions! We love the film, the cast, Star Trek, and pretty much everything else, so join us for the fun! We analyze the Trek and other sci-fi references, the careful setup and payoff of the screenplay, and how the effects hold up even from yea-back in 1999. John talks about his Brush With Shatner, Josh brings the hardcore Trek nerdery, and I invent the word “blusterbuss” ™.

Note: We get a tad explicit here and there, particularly when talking about censoring done to get the movie a PG rating.

I’m watching the Blu-ray version. Start the film right after the Paramount logo has faded, on the countdown.

Galaxy Quest commentary [ 2:04:15 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (239)

Bond is back and Connery is playing him! It’s the one-off Thunderball remake of sorts that comes, as all great things do, courtesy of a contentious lawsuit. It’s the goulash of Bond films, with a little of everything and all, surprisingly, in about the right measure. The music is bad but the gadgets are good, the babes are bodacious, and the villain is batshit crazy with a hint of whimsy.

I analyze the differences and striking similarities in the structure and plotting, compare it to other Bond films, assess the Bondiness of Connery’s 12-years-later Bond, and question why he’s now working for the Jackal.
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Never Say Never Again commentary [ 2:23:00 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (274)

In June 2010, I started using the PodPress WordPress plugin to make my commentaries available on iTunes and to track the download numbers. I reported on the results at the beginning of this year, but I thought I’d do it again now.
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Roger Corman is back, and he brought Dinocroc with him! It’s the 2004 visual effects extravaganza monster movie Dinocroc. Join me if you dare as I cue this baby up and watch it for the first time. Thrill to the shadowy swamps! Tremble as the monster stalks its prey (again and again and again)! Shimmy as the Scooby-Doo trap is sprung!

I get my superhot-women-with-serpentine-features mixed up (and give my recommendations for worm-based Scottish folk rock). I compare the film to all the usual suspects and desperately try to have fun with it in general. It’s no Sharktopus, but it will have to do.

Start the movie on the countdown with the New Concorde logo.

Dinocroc commentary [ 1:17:18 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (295)

Join me and my special guests Josh and Justin from Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy on a magical trip thru some Medieval fantasyland or other. It’s the heartwarming story of a humble peasant (who is totally not a hobbit or a moisture farmer) who goes on a quest that has nothing to do with destroying an evil overlord or saving an adult princess. Along the way, he gains an item of mystical power (which is not at all a ring of invisibility or a laser sword) and teams up with a pair of comical sidekicks (who are clearly not hobbits or robots) as well as a loveable rogue (who is definitely not a ranger of royal descent or a smuggler in trouble with a gangster) and gets magical help from a wise and mystical old mentor (who is in no way an old magic-wielding wizard or an old sword-wielding mystical monk).

We discuss the novelization and possible inspirations, explore its themes and tone, and weigh its strengths and weaknesses. We like the film a lot but also have a lot of fun with it. I can’t remember most of the characters’ names, but I do get a chance to bust out my knowledge of ancient literature.

Start the movie on the countdown after the Lucasfilm logo has faded to black.

Willow commentary [ 2:06:50 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (311)

It’s another Trek! Join the Doctor and me again for the one where Spock swears and Kirk fails to score and the rest of the crew does an amazing job of stealing some whales: a.k.a. “the corny one.”

Nevertheless, the Doctor and I enjoy it enormously and don’t poke too much fun at its premise of a giant space Tootsie Roll menacing Earth with a really loud stereo and traveling back in time to bring back whales to talk to it. It’s just ridiculous, but the jokes are actually mostly funny, and the characters are great.

Start the commentary after the Paramount logo has faded and the Paramount title card has just come up, on the countdown.

Star Trek 4 commentary [ 2:15:44 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (269)

The Asylum is back, and they’re bringing the scares for Halloween! Join me as I watch A Haunting in Salem for the first time and enjoy the thrills and chills on my way to enjoying the hell out of this movie. I analyze the legend-within-a-legend idea, the value of renovating bathrooms and kitchens, the rules of daytime vs nighttime haunting, the texting skills of 1950s ghosts, and the curious love of landscape pictures the family has.

Along the way, I quail in fear and disgust at actors’ dirty feet, determine which of the Van Dykes is the least Van Dykey, decide that I want to see woolly mammoth ghosts, come to the conclusion that I may need to murder someone in my own house to give it atmosphere, and lay some word-nerdery on you.

I’m watching the Blu-ray version. Start the movie on the countdown with the “The Aslyum presents” title card.

Haunting in Salem commentary [ 1:17:18 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (217)

John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs Podcast and I have a good time with the commandos vs zombies picture Resident Evil. We prepare to take it apart but— but— for all its flaws, we basically love the damn thing. So join us as we examine the structure, the references to the game and to Alice in Wonderland, the cribs from other action films, and which handsome white dude is which.

We speculate as to why the commandos would leave their gas masks and take the people they’re “rescuing” deeper into danger, why Alice decided on combat boots instead of heels, and why the the Red Queen wants to chop everyone’s head off so badly. And we try to figure out who just got killed and who really remembers what when, and and whether or not Michelle Rodriguez plays the tough, streetwise kitty in the 2008 direct-to-video A Cat’s Tale.

Start the film right after the Screen Gems logo has faded, on the countdown.

Resident Evil commentary [ 1:40:52 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (268)

Bond is back again for lucky number 13! Yes, it’s still Roger Moore cranking out the cheeky remarks. This time, 007 must stop a ring of international smugglers/circus folk auctioning off—and buying back—priceless Russian treasures, altho why he cares I don’t know. They’re not British treasures, after all. The women are beautiful—except for the creepy one whom I suspect to be a snake in a wig—and the villains and stunts are passable if not spectacular. The sets are likewise lacking in scale, but at least the plot and plot devices are mostly believable.

I examine the origin of “Octopussy” and whether or not she’s a stronger character than other Bond women—such as the other Bond woman who looked exactly like her—and also the wisdom of taking several minutes to put on clown makeup when it leaves you with a mere 90 seconds to save a big chunk of Germany.

I’m compelled to offer some form of apology about the car-on-the-train-tracks idea, since Top Gear actually did it with two different cars. (And somehow failed to mention Octopussy, even tho the guest was Rowan Atkinson talking about the Bond-parody Johnny English sequel….)

Start the commentary with the gun barrel sequence, on the countdown.

Octopussy commentary [ 2:07:47 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (266)