John Pavlich and I watch the low-budget King-Darabont horror The Mist! This is my first commentary for a movie I outright dislike. John is more forgiving… at least until the end. But we keep it light and have a great time picking it apart and still give credit where credit is due.

We try to figure out exactly what bugs* us about it and what could have been done to fix it. We compare it to High Noon, “The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street”, Alien, and Footloose. And I sing a little Joan Baez. So… don’t miss that.

* GET IT?! BUGS?!

NOTE: My figure of 7 Tylenol shutting down the liver of a college girl assumes Extra-Strength Tylenol and a petite girl who drinks alcohol regularly. (And death would take quite a bit more and be slow and painful.)

Start the film right after the Dimension Films logo has faded, on the countdown.

The Mist commentary [ 2:09:33 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (259)

Join the Doctor from Speakeasy and me as we watch one of the most influential film noir movies of all time. Thrill to the dark, rainy setting! Gasp at the rumpled trenchcoats! Stand in awe of the game of 20 questions! We dissect the film as sci-fi as well as film noir. We attempt to determine what “blades” are being “run”.

We compare the film to other sci-fi movies, other Ridley Scott movies, and other Philip K Dick stories. And we discuss the possibility of Deckard being a replicant—which he DEFINITELY IS NOT BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE STUPID, RIDLEY SCOTT.

NEW: Intro music! By 42 Shades of Gray.

We’re watching the Region 2 (PAL) version, so you will need to pause the commentary from time to time to keep in sync if you are watching a US release. Start the commentary after the Ladd logo, on the countdown.

Blade Runner commentary [ 2:07:47 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (357)

Join me (or don’t; seriously) as I take my first look at Jonah Hex, the heartwarming story of a disfigured man who finds love with a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold and yet abandons her. Also, John Malkovich tries to destroy America with his liberal agenda. And by “liberal” I mean the liberal application of cannon fire. Note, however, that he does this with a boat and not something crazy like a giant mechanical spider and entertaining dialog.

Josh Brolin is Jonah Hex because it would have been silly to cast, say, Will Smith in the role of a cowboy given a mission to save the country by President Grant. Aiden Quinn is President Grant because Kevin Kline wasn’t available. And Megan Fox is the girl who helps out but doesn’t stay with him because Salma Hayak was not orange enough.

Start the movie on the countdown at the black screen between the Warner Brother logo and the Legend Films logo.

Jonah Hex commentary [ 1:17:18 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (232)

One, two, Freddy’s comin’ for you and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast and me as we watch Freddy and Johnny Depp’s debuts in a heartwarming coming-of-age story. We wax rhapsodical about Wes Craven and other low-budget horror. We compare this film to others of its type and to the remake. And we forgive any and all faults with the possible exception of John Saxon’s comb-over.

Listen as we deconstruct the film as an allegory for young adulthood, parental neglect, fear of the dark, female empowerment, and unwanted hat pregnancy. And don’t miss Roger Rabbit’s poster of a kitty riding a trolley!

Start the film right after the New Line logo has faded, on the countdown.

Nightmare on Elm St commentary [ 1:32:45 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (378)

WELCOME!!! to the Tysto 100th Commentary Spectacular!!! Join me for a showcase of early CGI as God intended it: DINOSAURS!!! I welcome Bea Arthur and Foreigner as special guests!!! And dancing girls!!! I even ride a live dinosaur trained to the saddle!!!

Jurassic Park is the heartwarming story of people who get trapped in an old dark house with Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, Bela Lugosi, and Peter Lorre, played by DINOSAURS!!! I gush rhapsodical about the dinosaurs and other action. I complain slightly about the flatness of the Alan and Ellie characters. I compare the film to Jaws and explain the structure with its various types of pipe-laying. And I depress myself slightly by looking up whether or not the Pirates of the Caribbean ride ever actually killed anyone.

I’m watching the region 1 DVD. Start the film right after the Universal logo has faded but before Universal Pictures Presents title card, on the countdown.

Jurassic Park commentary [ 2:04:15 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (319)

I’m rolling up on the big 1-0-0! With Jurassic Park—a commentary 65 million years (well, 4-and-a-half years) in the making*—I will have released 100 commentaries! What I’m hoping for here is that you will find a moment to add a comment to this post and let me know what you would like to see in the next 4-and-a-half years.**

One day (theoretically) I will run out of James Bond and Star Trek movies, so what next? Are you enjoying the golden oldies I usually do? Do you want more of any particular genre? I’ve had specific requests in the past and tried to look into doing them, but they don’t always work out. Would you like more sight-unseen commentaries (The Asylum or otherwise?).

More Hitchcock? More Schwarzenegger? More (meaning “some”) Stallone? More westerns? More horror? More sci-fi? How about more recent releases? Let me know!

Would you like more team-ups? (Interested in doing a commentary with me? All you need is Skype and a good microphone!***)
(more…)

Feedback request [ 1:41 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (252)

Bond is back! This time, the film makers mine the depths of Fleming’s short stories and cobble something together that is… pretty dang good, actually. There are no gadgets, the girls are not great, and there are no fantastic Ken Adam sets, but there’s also nothing much to really hate—except the idiotic Blofeld appearance at the beginning.

I examine the construction of the plot, defend it against those who say it’s too much like From Russia with Love, and complain that Locque isn’t much of a villain. I lament the birth defect that left Carole Bouquet with a non-functioning forehead and a mustache nearly as luxurious as Topol’s, as well as whatever it is that makes Lynn-Holley Johnson so annoying and seven years too old to be to young for James Bond. And I lament the fact the Roger Moore is just too old to run up all those steps.

NOTE: I think I leave the impression that Willy Bogner performed the ski jump off the cliff in The Spy Who Loved Me. It was stuntman Rick Sylvester who performed the jump. Bogner was, as usual, filming it on skis. Also, Brezhnev died in 1982, Andropov died in 1984, Chernenko died in 1985, Gorbechev took office in 1985.

Start the commentary with the gun barrel sequence, on the countdown.

Eyes Only commentary [ 2:07:47 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (371)

Join me and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast again, this time for a freaky, gooey ride thru Cronenberg-land, a land of magic and mystery and “flesh” and cool cars, located near scenic Toronto. We analyze the themes of substance abuse, transformation, and disease; wonder who is the craziest character; and ultimately blame the whole mess on the baboon.

We marvel at the economy and deftness of storytelling, discuss the tragic romance and operatic angle, and compare it to the sequel, to the first draft, and somewhat to other transformation monster movies. I call the film nearly perfect and declare Jeff Goldblum to be his Goldblumiest.

We’re watching the Blu-ray version. Start the film right after the old Fox logo has faded but before the Brooksfilm title card on the countdown.

The Fly commentary [ 1:37:15 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (400)

The Asylum is back! And without commercials! And that guy from Summer School (no, not Mark Harmon) and that girl from Growing Pains (no, not Tracey Gold) drive and fly and walk and otherwise travel from the frozen north to the soon-to-be-frozen slightly-further-south. Join me as I watch it for the first time and gradually figure out what city (or what coast, for that matter) the film is set in (I wasn’t paying a lot of attention at the beginning). I analyze the motives of the protagonists (survive; get daughter) and the antagonists (smash whichever coast we’re set in).

Along the way, I make up a background for the mysterious and otherwise creditless director Travis Fort. I wax poetical about the various vehicles the characters travel in. I contemplate the dangers of “snornados”. I say some things that might get me beaten up the next time I go to New York (our nation’s capital), New Jersey (its retarded brother), and Canada (it only has two cities and its savage people worship glaciers). And I imagine other (copyrighted!) ways of portraying the glacier, such as by giving it an English accent and a hunchback.

Start the movie with the clouds before the “The Asylum” title on the countdown.

2012: Ice Age commentary [ 1:36:49 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (293)

Join me as I join the Doctor again for our third trek! This is the one where Spock is reborn, and McCoy carries Spock’s mind alongside his own mind, and Sulu changes clothes at inappropriate times. We examine the ideas of Vulcan mind transfer, naked racism in the Federation, and the meanness of wrapping reborn people in their own death shrouds.

We also discuss whether or not McCoy almost accidentally picks up an alien prostitute, whether or not Scotty is basically R2D2, and whether or not Kirk answers Spock’s question honestly when Spock asks “The ship safe?” And along the way, you’ll learn which scientific discoveries the Doctor condemns as dangerously unpredictable and why my first sexual experience was like Spock’s.

Start the commentary with the Paramount logo faded to white, on the countdown.

Star Trek 3 commentary [ 1:45:38 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (387)