Jurassic Park – 100th commentary spectacular

Jurassic Park

WELCOME!!! to the Tysto 100th Commentary Spectacular!!! Join me for a showcase of early CGI as God intended it: DINOSAURS!!! I welcome Bea Arthur and Foreigner as special guests!!! And dancing girls!!! I even ride a live dinosaur trained to the saddle!!!

Jurassic Park is the heartwarming story of people who get trapped in an old dark house with Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, Bela Lugosi, and Peter Lorre, played by DINOSAURS!!! I gush rhapsodical about the dinosaurs and other action. I complain slightly about the flatness of the Alan and Ellie characters. I compare the film to Jaws and explain the structure with its various types of pipe-laying. And I depress myself slightly by looking up whether or not the Pirates of the Caribbean ride ever actually killed anyone.

I’m watching the region 1 DVD. Start the film right after the Universal logo has faded but before Universal Pictures Presents title card, on the countdown.

Tysto turns 100! (in a manner of speaking)

I’m rolling up on the big 1-0-0! With Jurassic Park—a commentary 65 million years (well, 4-and-a-half years) in the making*—I will have released 100 commentaries! What I’m hoping for here is that you will find a moment to add a comment to this post and let me know what you would like to see in the next 4-and-a-half years.**

One day (theoretically) I will run out of James Bond and Star Trek movies, so what next? Are you enjoying the golden oldies I usually do? Do you want more of any particular genre? I’ve had specific requests in the past and tried to look into doing them, but they don’t always work out. Would you like more sight-unseen commentaries (The Asylum or otherwise?).

More Hitchcock? More Schwarzenegger? More (meaning “some”) Stallone? More westerns? More horror? More sci-fi? How about more recent releases? Let me know!

Would you like more team-ups? (Interested in doing a commentary with me? All you need is Skype and a good microphone!***)
Continue reading Tysto turns 100! (in a manner of speaking)

For Your Eyes Only

For Your Eyes OnlyNetflix IMDb
Bond is back! This time, the film makers mine the depths of Fleming’s short stories and cobble something together that is… pretty dang good, actually. There are no gadgets, the girls are not great, and there are no fantastic Ken Adam sets, but there’s also nothing much to really hate—except the idiotic Blofeld appearance at the beginning.

I examine the construction of the plot, defend it against those who say it’s too much like From Russia with Love, and complain that Locque isn’t much of a villain. I lament the birth defect that left Carole Bouquet with a non-functioning forehead and a mustache nearly as luxurious as Topol’s, as well as whatever it is that makes Lynn-Holley Johnson so annoying and seven years too old to be to young for James Bond. And I lament the fact the Roger Moore is just too old to run up all those steps.

NOTE: I think I leave the impression that Willy Bogner performed the ski jump off the cliff in The Spy Who Loved Me. It was stuntman Rick Sylvester who performed the jump. Bogner was, as usual, filming it on skis. Also, Brezhnev died in 1982, Andropov died in 1984, Chernenko died in 1985, Gorbechev took office in 1985.

Start the commentary with the gun barrel sequence, on the countdown.

The Fly (1986)

The FlyNetflix IMDb
Join me and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast again, this time for a freaky, gooey ride thru Cronenberg-land, a land of magic and mystery and “flesh” and cool cars, located near scenic Toronto. We analyze the themes of substance abuse, transformation, and disease; wonder who is the craziest character; and ultimately blame the whole mess on the baboon.

We marvel at the economy and deftness of storytelling, discuss the tragic romance and operatic angle, and compare it to the sequel, to the first draft, and somewhat to other transformation monster movies. I call the film nearly perfect and declare Jeff Goldblum to be his Goldblumiest.

We’re watching the Blu-ray version. Start the film right after the old Fox logo has faded but before the Brooksfilm title card on the countdown.

2012: Ice Age

2012: Ice AgeNetflix IMDb
The Asylum is back! And without commercials! And that guy from Summer School (no, not Mark Harmon) and that girl from Growing Pains (no, not Tracey Gold) drive and fly and walk and otherwise travel from the frozen north to the soon-to-be-frozen slightly-further-south. Join me as I watch it for the first time and gradually figure out what city (or what coast, for that matter) the film is set in (I wasn’t paying a lot of attention at the beginning). I analyze the motives of the protagonists (survive; get daughter) and the antagonists (smash whichever coast we’re set in).

Along the way, I make up a background for the mysterious and otherwise creditless director Travis Fort. I wax poetical about the various vehicles the characters travel in. I contemplate the dangers of “snornados”. I say some things that might get me beaten up the next time I go to New York (our nation’s capital), New Jersey (its retarded brother), and Canada (it only has two cities and its savage people worship glaciers). And I imagine other (copyrighted!) ways of portraying the glacier, such as by giving it an English accent and a hunchback.

Start the movie with the clouds before the “The Asylum” title on the countdown.

Star Trek 3

Star Trek 3: The Search for SpockNetflix IMDb
Join me as I join the Doctor again for our third trek! This is the one where Spock is reborn, and McCoy carries Spock’s mind alongside his own mind, and Sulu changes clothes at inappropriate times. We examine the ideas of Vulcan mind transfer, naked racism in the Federation, and the meanness of wrapping reborn people in their own death shrouds.

We also discuss whether or not McCoy almost accidentally picks up an alien prostitute, whether or not Scotty is basically R2D2, and whether or not Kirk answers Spock’s question honestly when Spock asks “The ship safe?” And along the way, you’ll learn which scientific discoveries the Doctor condemns as dangerously unpredictable and why my first sexual experience was like Spock’s.

Start the commentary with the Paramount logo faded to white, on the countdown.

The Matrix

The MatrixNetflix IMDb
Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we watch Johnny Utah go toe to toe with Elrond with a little help from Cowboy Curtis in the 1999 emo action thriller that started a revolution! We wax philosophical over dreamscapes, simulations, body horror, the juxtaposition of old and new technology, and the wearing of super cool sunglasses at night! I reveal my secret Internet hacker name, John reveals what Star Wars films he has not seen, and we both examine what works and what doesn’t quite work for each of us. We discuss the sequels a little bit when they inform this film, but mostly take the movie on its own terms. John is momentarily dumbfounded by the thought of Carrie-Anne Moss’ boobs in Red Planet; I am momentarily dumbfounded by the thought of Katie Holmes’ boobs in The Gift.

Note: I call them the Wachowski Brothers at the beginning because that’s how they’re credited on the film, and we avoid discussing Larry Wachowski’s private life except where it’s actually relevant to the film directly.

Later Note: We recorded this back in the days when no one but the Wachowskis knew what was up with them. Now we know better.

Start the film right after the Village Roadshow logo has faded on the countdown.

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