John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs Podcast and I have a good time with the commandos vs zombies picture Resident Evil. We prepare to take it apart but— but— for all its flaws, we basically love the damn thing. So join us as we examine the structure, the references to the game and to Alice in Wonderland, the cribs from other action films, and which handsome white dude is which.

We speculate as to why the commandos would leave their gas masks and take the people they’re “rescuing” deeper into danger, why Alice decided on combat boots instead of heels, and why the the Red Queen wants to chop everyone’s head off so badly. And we try to figure out who just got killed and who really remembers what when, and and whether or not Michelle Rodriguez plays the tough, streetwise kitty in the 2008 direct-to-video A Cat’s Tale.

Start the film right after the Screen Gems logo has faded, on the countdown.

Resident Evil commentary [ 1:40:52 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (305)

Bond is back again for lucky number 13! Yes, it’s still Roger Moore cranking out the cheeky remarks. This time, 007 must stop a ring of international smugglers/circus folk auctioning off—and buying back—priceless Russian treasures, altho why he cares I don’t know. They’re not British treasures, after all. The women are beautiful—except for the creepy one whom I suspect to be a snake in a wig—and the villains and stunts are passable if not spectacular. The sets are likewise lacking in scale, but at least the plot and plot devices are mostly believable.

I examine the origin of “Octopussy” and whether or not she’s a stronger character than other Bond women—such as the other Bond woman who looked exactly like her—and also the wisdom of taking several minutes to put on clown makeup when it leaves you with a mere 90 seconds to save a big chunk of Germany.

I’m compelled to offer some form of apology about the car-on-the-train-tracks idea, since Top Gear actually did it with two different cars. (And somehow failed to mention Octopussy, even tho the guest was Rowan Atkinson talking about the Bond-parody Johnny English sequel….)

Start the commentary with the gun barrel sequence, on the countdown.

Octopussy commentary [ 2:07:47 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (321)

John Pavlich and I watch the low-budget King-Darabont horror The Mist! This is my first commentary for a movie I outright dislike. John is more forgiving… at least until the end. But we keep it light and have a great time picking it apart and still give credit where credit is due.

We try to figure out exactly what bugs* us about it and what could have been done to fix it. We compare it to High Noon, “The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street”, Alien, and Footloose. And I sing a little Joan Baez. So… don’t miss that.

* GET IT?! BUGS?!

NOTE: My figure of 7 Tylenol shutting down the liver of a college girl assumes Extra-Strength Tylenol and a petite girl who drinks alcohol regularly. (And death would take quite a bit more and be slow and painful.)

Start the film right after the Dimension Films logo has faded, on the countdown.

The Mist commentary [ 2:09:33 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (295)

Join the Doctor from Speakeasy and me as we watch one of the most influential film noir movies of all time. Thrill to the dark, rainy setting! Gasp at the rumpled trenchcoats! Stand in awe of the game of 20 questions! We dissect the film as sci-fi as well as film noir. We attempt to determine what “blades” are being “run”.

We compare the film to other sci-fi movies, other Ridley Scott movies, and other Philip K Dick stories. And we discuss the possibility of Deckard being a replicant—which he DEFINITELY IS NOT BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE STUPID, RIDLEY SCOTT.

NEW: Intro music! By 42 Shades of Gray.

We’re watching the Region 2 (PAL) version, so you will need to pause the commentary from time to time to keep in sync if you are watching a US release. Start the commentary after the Ladd logo, on the countdown.

Blade Runner commentary [ 2:07:47 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (435)

Join me (or don’t; seriously) as I take my first look at Jonah Hex, the heartwarming story of a disfigured man who finds love with a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold and yet abandons her. Also, John Malkovich tries to destroy America with his liberal agenda. And by “liberal” I mean the liberal application of cannon fire. Note, however, that he does this with a boat and not something crazy like a giant mechanical spider and entertaining dialog.

Josh Brolin is Jonah Hex because it would have been silly to cast, say, Will Smith in the role of a cowboy given a mission to save the country by President Grant. Aiden Quinn is President Grant because Kevin Kline wasn’t available. And Megan Fox is the girl who helps out but doesn’t stay with him because Salma Hayak was not orange enough.

Start the movie on the countdown at the black screen between the Warner Brother logo and the Legend Films logo.

Jonah Hex commentary [ 1:17:18 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (272)

One, two, Freddy’s comin’ for you and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast and me as we watch Freddy and Johnny Depp’s debuts in a heartwarming coming-of-age story. We wax rhapsodical about Wes Craven and other low-budget horror. We compare this film to others of its type and to the remake. And we forgive any and all faults with the possible exception of John Saxon’s comb-over.

Listen as we deconstruct the film as an allegory for young adulthood, parental neglect, fear of the dark, female empowerment, and unwanted hat pregnancy. And don’t miss Roger Rabbit’s poster of a kitty riding a trolley!

Start the film right after the New Line logo has faded, on the countdown.

Nightmare on Elm St commentary [ 1:32:45 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (424)

WELCOME!!! to the Tysto 100th Commentary Spectacular!!! Join me for a showcase of early CGI as God intended it: DINOSAURS!!! I welcome Bea Arthur and Foreigner as special guests!!! And dancing girls!!! I even ride a live dinosaur trained to the saddle!!!

Jurassic Park is the heartwarming story of people who get trapped in an old dark house with Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, Bela Lugosi, and Peter Lorre, played by DINOSAURS!!! I gush rhapsodical about the dinosaurs and other action. I complain slightly about the flatness of the Alan and Ellie characters. I compare the film to Jaws and explain the structure with its various types of pipe-laying. And I depress myself slightly by looking up whether or not the Pirates of the Caribbean ride ever actually killed anyone.

I’m watching the region 1 DVD. Start the film right after the Universal logo has faded but before Universal Pictures Presents title card, on the countdown.

Jurassic Park commentary [ 2:04:15 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (375)

I’m rolling up on the big 1-0-0! With Jurassic Park—a commentary 65 million years (well, 4-and-a-half years) in the making*—I will have released 100 commentaries! What I’m hoping for here is that you will find a moment to add a comment to this post and let me know what you would like to see in the next 4-and-a-half years.**

One day (theoretically) I will run out of James Bond and Star Trek movies, so what next? Are you enjoying the golden oldies I usually do? Do you want more of any particular genre? I’ve had specific requests in the past and tried to look into doing them, but they don’t always work out. Would you like more sight-unseen commentaries (The Asylum or otherwise?).

More Hitchcock? More Schwarzenegger? More (meaning “some”) Stallone? More westerns? More horror? More sci-fi? How about more recent releases? Let me know!

Would you like more team-ups? (Interested in doing a commentary with me? All you need is Skype and a good microphone!***)
(more…)

Feedback request [ 1:41 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (275)

Bond is back! This time, the film makers mine the depths of Fleming’s short stories and cobble something together that is… pretty dang good, actually. There are no gadgets, the girls are not great, and there are no fantastic Ken Adam sets, but there’s also nothing much to really hate—except the idiotic Blofeld appearance at the beginning.

I examine the construction of the plot, defend it against those who say it’s too much like From Russia with Love, and complain that Locque isn’t much of a villain. I lament the birth defect that left Carole Bouquet with a non-functioning forehead and a mustache nearly as luxurious as Topol’s, as well as whatever it is that makes Lynn-Holley Johnson so annoying and seven years too old to be to young for James Bond. And I lament the fact the Roger Moore is just too old to run up all those steps.

NOTE: I think I leave the impression that Willy Bogner performed the ski jump off the cliff in The Spy Who Loved Me. It was stuntman Rick Sylvester who performed the jump. Bogner was, as usual, filming it on skis. Also, Brezhnev died in 1982, Andropov died in 1984, Chernenko died in 1985, Gorbechev took office in 1985.

Start the commentary with the gun barrel sequence, on the countdown.

Eyes Only commentary [ 2:07:47 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (425)

Join me and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast again, this time for a freaky, gooey ride thru Cronenberg-land, a land of magic and mystery and “flesh” and cool cars, located near scenic Toronto. We analyze the themes of substance abuse, transformation, and disease; wonder who is the craziest character; and ultimately blame the whole mess on the baboon.

We marvel at the economy and deftness of storytelling, discuss the tragic romance and operatic angle, and compare it to the sequel, to the first draft, and somewhat to other transformation monster movies. I call the film nearly perfect and declare Jeff Goldblum to be his Goldblumiest.

We’re watching the Blu-ray version. Start the film right after the old Fox logo has faded but before the Brooksfilm title card on the countdown.

The Fly commentary [ 1:37:15 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (464)