Tag Archives: commentaries

Dinocroc

DinocrocNetflix IMDb
Roger Corman is back, and he brought Dinocroc with him! It’s the 2004 visual effects extravaganza monster movie Dinocroc. Join me if you dare as I cue this baby up and watch it for the first time. Thrill to the shadowy swamps! Tremble as the monster stalks its prey (again and again and again)! Shimmy as the Scooby-Doo trap is sprung!

I get my superhot-women-with-serpentine-features mixed up (and give my recommendations for worm-based Scottish folk rock). I compare the film to all the usual suspects and desperately try to have fun with it in general. It’s no Sharktopus, but it will have to do.

Start the movie on the countdown with the New Concorde logo.

Willow

WillowNetflix IMDb
Join me and my special guests Josh and Justin from Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy on a magical trip thru some Medieval fantasyland or other. It’s the heartwarming story of a humble peasant (who is totally not a hobbit or a moisture farmer) who goes on a quest that has nothing to do with destroying an evil overlord or saving an adult princess. Along the way, he gains an item of mystical power (which is not at all a ring of invisibility or a laser sword) and teams up with a pair of comical sidekicks (who are clearly not hobbits or robots) as well as a loveable rogue (who is definitely not a ranger of royal descent or a smuggler in trouble with a gangster) and gets magical help from a wise and mystical old mentor (who is in no way an old magic-wielding wizard or an old sword-wielding mystical monk).

We discuss the novelization and possible inspirations, explore its themes and tone, and weigh its strengths and weaknesses. We like the film a lot but also have a lot of fun with it. I can’t remember most of the characters’ names, but I do get a chance to bust out my knowledge of ancient literature.

Start the movie on the countdown after the Lucasfilm logo has faded to black.

Star Trek 4

Star Trek IVNetflix IMDb
It’s another Trek! Join the Doctor and me again for the one where Spock swears and Kirk fails to score and the rest of the crew does an amazing job of stealing some whales: a.k.a. “the corny one.”

Nevertheless, the Doctor and I enjoy it enormously and don’t poke too much fun at its premise of a giant space Tootsie Roll menacing Earth with a really loud stereo and traveling back in time to bring back whales to talk to it. It’s just ridiculous, but the jokes are actually mostly funny, and the characters are great.

Start the commentary after the Paramount logo has faded and the Paramount title card has just come up, on the countdown.

A Haunting in Salem

Haunting in SalemNetflix IMDb
The Asylum is back, and they’re bringing the scares for Halloween! Join me as I watch A Haunting in Salem for the first time and enjoy the thrills and chills on my way to enjoying the hell out of this movie. I analyze the legend-within-a-legend idea, the value of renovating bathrooms and kitchens, the rules of daytime vs nighttime haunting, the texting skills of 1950s ghosts, and the curious love of landscape pictures the family has.

Along the way, I quail in fear and disgust at actors’ dirty feet, determine which of the Van Dykes is the least Van Dykey, decide that I want to see woolly mammoth ghosts, come to the conclusion that I may need to murder someone in my own house to give it atmosphere, and lay some word-nerdery on you.

I’m watching the Blu-ray version. Start the movie on the countdown with the “The Aslyum presents” title card.

Resident Evil

Resident EvilNetflix IMDb
John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs Podcast and I have a good time with the commandos vs zombies picture Resident Evil. We prepare to take it apart but— but— for all its flaws, we basically love the damn thing. So join us as we examine the structure, the references to the game and to Alice in Wonderland, the cribs from other action films, and which handsome white dude is which.

We speculate as to why the commandos would leave their gas masks and take the people they’re “rescuing” deeper into danger, why Alice decided on combat boots instead of heels, and why the the Red Queen wants to chop everyone’s head off so badly. And we try to figure out who just got killed and who really remembers what when, and and whether or not Michelle Rodriguez plays the tough, streetwise kitty in the 2008 direct-to-video A Cat’s Tale.

Start the film right after the Screen Gems logo has faded, on the countdown.

Octopussy

OctopussyNetflix IMDb
Bond is back again for lucky number 13! Yes, it’s still Roger Moore cranking out the cheeky remarks. This time, 007 must stop a ring of international smugglers/circus folk auctioning off—and buying back—priceless Russian treasures, altho why he cares I don’t know. They’re not British treasures, after all. The women are beautiful—except for the creepy one whom I suspect to be a snake in a wig—and the villains and stunts are passable if not spectacular. The sets are likewise lacking in scale, but at least the plot and plot devices are mostly believable.

I examine the origin of “Octopussy” and whether or not she’s a stronger character than other Bond women—such as the other Bond woman who looked exactly like her—and also the wisdom of taking several minutes to put on clown makeup when it leaves you with a mere 90 seconds to save a big chunk of Germany.

I’m compelled to offer some form of apology about the car-on-the-train-tracks idea, since Top Gear actually did it with two different cars. (And somehow failed to mention Octopussy, even tho the guest was Rowan Atkinson talking about the Bond-parody Johnny English sequel….)

Start the commentary with the gun barrel sequence, on the countdown.

The Mist

The MistNetflix IMDb
John Pavlich and I watch the low-budget King-Darabont horror The Mist! This is my first commentary for a movie I outright dislike. John is more forgiving… at least until the end. But we keep it light and have a great time picking it apart and still give credit where credit is due.

We try to figure out exactly what bugs* us about it and what could have been done to fix it. We compare it to High Noon, “The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street”, Alien, and Footloose. And I sing a little Joan Baez. So… don’t miss that.

* GET IT?! BUGS?!

NOTE: My figure of 7 Tylenol shutting down the liver of a college girl assumes Extra-Strength Tylenol and a petite girl who drinks alcohol regularly. (And death would take quite a bit more and be slow and painful.)

Start the film right after the Dimension Films logo has faded, on the countdown.