Join me (or don’t; seriously) as I take my first look at Jonah Hex, the heartwarming story of a disfigured man who finds love with a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold and yet abandons her. Also, John Malkovich tries to destroy America with his liberal agenda. And by “liberal” I mean the liberal application of cannon fire. Note, however, that he does this with a boat and not something crazy like a giant mechanical spider and entertaining dialog.

Josh Brolin is Jonah Hex because it would have been silly to cast, say, Will Smith in the role of a cowboy given a mission to save the country by President Grant. Aiden Quinn is President Grant because Kevin Kline wasn’t available. And Megan Fox is the girl who helps out but doesn’t stay with him because Salma Hayak was not orange enough.

Jonah Hex commentary [ 1:17:18 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (232)

One, two, Freddy’s comin’ for you and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast and me as we watch Freddy and Johnny Depp’s debuts in a heartwarming coming-of-age story. We wax rhapsodical about Wes Craven and other low-budget horror. We compare this film to others of its type and to the remake. And we forgive any and all faults with the possible exception of John Saxon’s comb-over.

Listen as we deconstruct the film as an allegory for young adulthood, parental neglect, fear of the dark, female empowerment, and unwanted hat pregnancy. And don’t miss Roger Rabbit’s poster of a kitty riding a trolley!

Nightmare on Elm St commentary [ 1:32:45 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (378)

WELCOME!!! to the Tysto 100th Commentary Spectacular!!! Join me for a showcase of early CGI as God intended it: DINOSAURS!!! I welcome Bea Arthur and Foreigner as special guests!!! And dancing girls!!! I even ride a live dinosaur trained to the saddle!!!

Jurassic Park is the heartwarming story of people who get trapped in an old dark house with Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, Bela Lugosi, and Peter Lorre, played by DINOSAURS!!! I gush rhapsodical about the dinosaurs and other action. I complain slightly about the flatness of the Alan and Ellie characters. I compare the film to Jaws and explain the structure with its various types of pipe-laying. And I depress myself slightly by looking up whether or not the Pirates of the Caribbean ride ever actually killed anyone.

Jurassic Park commentary [ 2:04:15 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (319)

Bond is back! This time, the film makers mine the depths of Fleming’s short stories and cobble something together that is… pretty dang good, actually. There are no gadgets, the girls are not great, and there are no fantastic Ken Adam sets, but there’s also nothing much to really hate—except the idiotic Blofeld appearance at the beginning.

I examine the construction of the plot, defend it against those who say it’s too much like From Russia with Love, and complain that Locque isn’t much of a villain. I lament the birth defect that left Carole Bouquet with a non-functioning forehead and a mustache nearly as luxurious as Topol’s, as well as whatever it is that makes Lynn-Holley Johnson so annoying and seven years too old to be to young for James Bond. And I lament the fact the Roger Moore is just too old to run up all those steps.

Eyes Only commentary [ 2:07:47 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (371)

Join me and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast again, this time for a freaky, gooey ride thru Cronenberg-land, a land of magic and mystery and “flesh” and cool cars, located near scenic Toronto. We analyze the themes of substance abuse, transformation, and disease; wonder who is the craziest character; and ultimately blame the whole mess on the baboon.

We marvel at the economy and deftness of storytelling, discuss the tragic romance and operatic angle, and compare it to the sequel, to the first draft, and somewhat to other transformation monster movies. I call the film nearly perfect and declare Jeff Goldblum to be his Goldblumiest.

The Fly commentary [ 1:37:15 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (400)

The Asylum is back! And without commercials! And that guy from Summer School (no, not Mark Harmon) and that girl from Growing Pains (no, not Tracey Gold) drive and fly and walk and otherwise travel from the frozen north to the soon-to-be-frozen slightly-further-south. Join me as I watch it for the first time and gradually figure out what city (or what coast, for that matter) the film is set in (I wasn’t paying a lot of attention at the beginning). I analyze the motives of the protagonists (survive; get daughter) and the antagonists (smash whichever coast we’re set in).

Along the way, I make up a background for the mysterious and otherwise creditless director Travis Fort. I wax poetical about the various vehicles the characters travel in. I contemplate the dangers of “snornados”. I say some things that might get me beaten up the next time I go to New York (our nation’s capital), New Jersey (its retarded brother), and Canada (it only has two cities and its savage people worship glaciers). And I imagine other (copyrighted!) ways of portraying the glacier, such as by giving it an English accent and a hunchback.

2012: Ice Age commentary [ 1:36:49 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (293)

Join me as I join the Doctor again for our third trek! This is the one where Spock is reborn, and McCoy carries Spock’s mind alongside his own mind, and Sulu changes clothes at inappropriate times. We examine the ideas of Vulcan mind transfer, naked racism in the Federation, and the meanness of wrapping reborn people in their own death shrouds.

We also discuss whether or not McCoy almost accidentally picks up an alien prostitute, whether or not Scotty is basically R2D2, and whether or not Kirk answers Spock’s question honestly when Spock asks “The ship safe?” And along the way, you’ll learn which scientific discoveries the Doctor condemns as dangerously unpredictable and why my first sexual experience was like Spock’s.

Star Trek 3 commentary [ 1:45:38 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (387)

Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we watch Johnny Utah go toe to toe with Elrond with a little help from Cowboy Curtis in the 1999 emo action thriller that started a revolution! We wax philosophical over dreamscapes, simulations, body horror, the juxtaposition of old and new technology, and the wearing of super cool sunglasses at night! I reveal my secret Internet hacker name, John reveals what Star Wars films he has not seen, and we both examine what works and what doesn’t quite work for each of us. We discuss the sequels a little bit when they inform this film, but most take the movie on its own terms. John is momentarily dumbfounded by the thought of Carrie-Anne Moss’ boobs in Red Planet; I am momentarily dumbfounded by the thought of Katie Holmes’ boobs in The Gift.

Matrix commentary [ 2:11:48 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (482)

Michael Lonsdale is back! And this time he’s the good guy, tracking down an international killer known only by the code name “Hello Sailor!” or whatever the French equivalent is. Join me as, despite my cold, I put on a perfect French accent (London, France, to be exact) and cue up this tense Cold-War-era thriller about how terrible the French army is at killing people.

Despite the flabby meticulous plotting and the long luxurious running time, the pacing is excellent. I explore what could have been cut without hurting the film and what could have been tightened up to help it. And I mock the hilarious French cars. Oh, and bonus if you watch along with me: French ta-tas. Ooh la la!

Day of the Jackal commentary [ 2:30:41 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (394)

Jaws is back, and Bond fights him! (again and again…) It’s the eleventh Bond, and I admire the sights, the women, the stunts, the women’s revealing wardrobe, the model shots, the model-actresses, and the incredible Ken Adam sets.

I don’t do much car spotting or gun spotting because Bond drives boats and fights hand-to-hand pretty much the whole movie. *sigh* The comedy is slapsticky (vaudevillian, to be exact), and the story is a loose collection of great set pieces connected by cardboard arrows. (Venetian glass? Go to Venice! Crates that say “Rio”? Go to Rio! Toxin from the Amazon? Go to the Amazon! Space shuttles? Go to space!) Plus, the villain’s plan is basically the same as in the last movie (kill everyone, clean up the corpses with bulldozers, repopulate). Still, I don’t think it’s the worst Bond of them all. (Your mileage may vary.)

Moonraker commentary [ 2:08:26 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (501)