Jaws is back, and Bond fights him! (again and again…) It’s the eleventh Bond, and I admire the sights, the women, the stunts, the women’s revealing wardrobe, the model shots, the model-actresses, and the incredible Ken Adam sets.

I don’t do much car spotting or gun spotting because Bond drives boats and fights hand-to-hand pretty much the whole movie. *sigh* The comedy is slapsticky (vaudevillian, to be exact), and the story is a loose collection of great set pieces connected by cardboard arrows. (Venetian glass? Go to Venice! Crates that say “Rio”? Go to Rio! Toxin from the Amazon? Go to the Amazon! Space shuttles? Go to space!) Plus, the villain’s plan is basically the same as in the last movie (kill everyone, clean up the corpses with bulldozers, repopulate). Still, I don’t think it’s the worst Bond of them all. (Your mileage may vary.)

Moonraker commentary [ 2:08:26 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (504)

Join me for the last of the Star Wars films ever made! (Later films notwithstanding. Offer void where prohibited.) I analyze the romance, the bromance, and the dromance. I try to figure out the timeline again. I compare the Empire’s work-life-balance policies with the Alliance’s. And I deconstruct the episodic nature of this film and the previous one.

I analyze the lack of proper planning evident thruout the film, including the method of constructing Death Star II. I once again declare my love for ewoks, perhaps a little too strongly…. I forgive C-3P0 somewhat. And I do lots of incredibly precises impressions of various characters. (Your mileage may vary. This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.)

Return of the Jedi commentary [ 2:09:52 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (569)

It’s John Pavlich from the Sofa Dogs podcast hosting me for a commentary on the zom-com-non-bomb Zombieland. It’s the heartwarming tale of a nerdy college student’s search for someone to “pass the gravy” to. It’s also the moving tale of a childless father’s search for vengeance and Twinkies. And it’s also the shocking tale of two con-artist sisters’ search for a shower and an amusement park where there are no lines. And it’s ALSO the heartbreaking tale of Bill Murray getting shot for pretending to be a zombie, like an idiot.

Join John and me for a fast run to Pacific Playland, where you will learn why Down in Front dropped the ball on their commentary for this film, the rules for survival in a Zombie apocalypse, and who you’re gonna call (Ghostbusters).

Zombieland commentary [ 1:30:41 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (516)

Join me as I rush thru the 1998 German film Run, Lola, Run, the pulse-pounding story of a girl running around Berlin over and over until she gambles her way to happiness. I compare the film to video games and religious allegory—which it is not—and to fairy tales, humanist philosophy, and roulette—which it is.

I wax poetical about free will vs determinism and chance vs causation. I discuss the film’s somewhat arch use of numerous techniques to represent the different stories and time frames. But I’m so deep into philosophy I forget to identify any guns or cars other than Manni’s Walther PPK.

I explain the color motifs (Manni = blue and yellow; Lola = green, red, and blue) and the other visual motifs (spirals, grids, breaking glass). I compare the different runs (green/running, red/thinking, blue/feeling). And I chide reviewers for wishing the film was deeper when THE WHOLE POINT OF THE FILM is that asking deep questions is a trap, and you’ve just got to run and love and trust and hope for the best.

Run, Lola, Run commentary [ 1:22:58 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (454)

It’s a genuine mockbuster from The Asylum, so join me and my special guest Wegel Pinsky—if you dare—as we slog thru the adventures of a totally-not-mighty Thor being schooled by a Mexican chick to fight a superpowerful Darth Loki in the forests of Scandinavia and, for some reason, alleys of Los Angeles and repeatedly losing his weapons. It probably doesn’t help that we’ve just come from seeing the Marvel Thor movie in the theater and more-or-less enjoyed it.

We try to figure out just what the characters are trying to do and why the chick with the weird name and weirder accent knows everything and Thor knows nothing. We try to figure out why Richard Grieco is just wandering around. And we try to figure out if this is the worst movie we’ve ever seen or just one of the worst movies we’ve ever seen. We enjoy the terror dogs from Ghostbusters and the lindworms from—I don’t know—Lind? Do not operate heavy machinery after watching this film.

Almighty Thor commentary [ 1:39:10 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (411)

James Cameron blasts you out of a cannon (after loading you and packing you with powder for, like, 40 minutes) at a whole host of aliens (which you don’t actually hit for another 35 minutes) in this sequel to the timeless monster movie Alien. Join me as I examine the special edition and its themes of motherhood and self-actualization and blowin’ sh*t up and corporations are bad.

I compare the film to the original and to various other films by Cameron and others. I go Wierzbowski hunting. I imagine Jerry Seinfeld in place of Paul Reiser. I call it “nearly perfect”, altho I lament the concept of the alien hive with a queen. And I call out all the little Cameron-romance moments (“We’re gonna die! I kind of like you!”).

Aliens commentary [ 2:37:31 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (533)

Join me as I join the Doctor again for another trek into space! Together, we examine the meaning of friendship and sacrifice and [shifts jaw awkwardly] “human”. We examine the structure of the story and debate the artificiality of Shatner’s hair and Montalban’s chest. We contemplate Sean Connery as a scholar of Judaism and wonder about how Sulu spent the time between TPM and WoK and also how many times Kirk has had to fight an illegitimate child to the death.

Overall, we love the film, altho it is perhaps slightly more talky and less profound than many would like to pretend. I can’t remember the phrase “affirmative action”. And we get cut off briefly at one point but quickly get back on track.

Star Trek 2 commentary [ 1:52:59 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (600)

Indy’s back for the third and final time! (Unless you count the fourth film.) Join me as I examine the way the third film returns to familiar territory in welcome ways… and then kind of wears out its welcome by the end. I explore the father-son theme, the shift from Jewish to Indian to Christian to, um, alien religion and the way the tone has shifted from a little too dark to a little too light. Overall, I love the film, tho, and never take to bashing it.

IJ Last Crusade commentary [ 2:05:35 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (444)

Join me as I watch Humphrey Bogart take on Sidney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre—not to mention that duplicitous whore Mary Astor—in John Huston’s version of Dashiell Hammett’s The Maltese Falcon. I compare it to the book a little (it’s nearly identical) and the 1931 version (it’s way better), as well as Citizen Kane and later films noir and hard-boiled detective films.

I complain about Astor’s performance (and general non-sexiness, if you ask me) and about the somewhat repetitive talkiness of the film, but I really do love it. I just can’t quite call it “nearly perfect”. I take it apart and examine the pieces, particularly the character motivations and directorial style and explain what an “automatic revolver” is.

Maltese Falcon commentary [ 1:42:43 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (502)

It’s the Asylum again, back for another sight-unseen commentary, this time with 100% fewer giant monsters! I don’t know if that’s a good thing, but it certainly makes for a higher quality film, easily besting the original 1997 James Cameron romantic-tragedy epic boo-hoo-fest, which I hated like Pol Pot and Baby Doc Duvalier.

There are no pop stars in this one, just a solid performance by Bruce Davison, a welcome bit by Brooke Burns, and a decent job by writer/director/star Shane Van Dyke as well as by the lips attached to Marie Wesbrook. I make fun of some names, some effects, and various ship nonsense. At times, I long for a mega shark and pray for the iceberg to eat a helicopter, but overall I liked it and was rather impressed by it. If this had been put out by a major studio with Roland Emmerich money for effects and advertising, it would have been a genuine blockbuster. (Which is different from saying it would have been a good film, by the way.)

Titanic II commentary [ 1:33:03 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (609)