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It’s another Asylum monster/pop star extravaganza, this time with both Debbie Gibson and Tiffany [last name unknown], as well as a Martinez. ‘Which Martinez?’ you ask? THE Martinez. And a host of pythons and alligators-that-look-more-like-crocodiles-to-me rise out of the Everglades to attack Florida, which I again write off as a total loss. (Seriously, America, we’re fully insured, right?)

There is pop music (some of which is pretty damn good), cars, and helicopters that change shape in mid-air. There’s a herpatologist who can fly a helicopter and an animal rights activist who cares passionately about releasing non-native predators into Florida swamps. Other highlights: swallowing, biting, shooting, and cleavage. Plus, a secret surprise I guarantee will surprise you with its secret!

I praise the acting (I think; it’s tough to remember all the crap I say, sometimes) but ding the directing (close-ups of people getting eaten is fundamentally cinematically different from people getting eaten).

Start the movie after the “The Asylum” title has faded out and the “Mega Python vs Gatoroid” title has just faded in over the airboats.

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Over-sized piranhas are attacking Venezuela! Join me as I watch the film for the first time (I’m calling these “sight unseen” commentaries now) and attempt to figure out what is going on; why fish bark, roar, and oink; and why everything seems to have been shot at 6 o’clock in the evening. Listen as I identify the multiple artificial ticking clocks, write off the entire state of Florida, and calculate the growth rate of genetically modified fish on a scratch pad several times—oh wait, the characters do that last one.

I research the extensive film biographies of Tiffany [last name unknown], Barry Williams, Paul “I’m not Paul Hogan” Logan, and director Eric Forsberg and come up pretty dry. However, they all do a pretty great job, so I have no complaints. Oh wait, I do complain that the titles aren’t left on screen long enough. (I’m a slow reader!) And I complain that there aren’t any subtitles or extras on the Blu-ray. That’s right—I’m watchin’ this puppy on Blu-ray! (from the $5 bargain bin) No more commercials! Bonus: brown lady boobs!

Start the movie after the “The Asylum” title has faded out and the “Mega Piranha” title is about to fade in.

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Barry Bostwick and Renée O’Connor team up to hunt down a gigantic whale somewhere in the south seas in this 2010 tale of a man, a whale, and a dream of killing that whale. Watch with me as I:

• Watch it for the first time
• Compare it extensively to the original Herman Melville novel (it’s about a guy hunting a whale)
• Pick apart the intricacies of the plot (guy hunts whale, whale tries to eat aircraft in peace)
• Analyze the symbolism (leg = penis; whale = thing that eats penises)
• Get my 1978 Battlestar Galactica references all wrong (Starbuck = Apollo, Cassiopeia = Serina, robot dog = son, “biddi-biddi-biddi” = Twiki from Buck Rogers)
• Review whale biology (female whales have udders, right?)
• Never, ever compare it to Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, which this is better than

I praise the sets, CGI, directing, and acting—where appropriate (I’m lookin’ at you, guy-with-the-blank-stare-of-a-cow). And I complain that everything is lit like an Italian restaurant. Enjoy!

Start the movie with the countdown just as the mountains fade up.

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Avast and ahoy, matey! There be monsters here! Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas arise out of the ’80s to attack a defenseless mega shark and an innocent giant octopus with submarines. Join me as I watch this SyFy channel video nasty for the very first time and marvel at the fake buttons, Ed Wood sets, and hot scientist-on-scientist action. I sing a little Debbie Gibson and call Lorenzo Lamas “Fernando Lamas” a couple of times (they’re father and son).

Also, I misquote Jaws* and Jerry Maguire** somewhat.

* “The thing about a shark… he’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes.”
** “D’you know that the human head weighs 8 pounds? … D’you know that my next door neighbor has three rabbits?”

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