Quick: name two of the tallest and most influential people in history/fiction who were forced to confront slavery and the threat of the destruction of their civilization and who had beards. You thought of Abraham Lincoln and Qui-Gon Jinn, didn’t you?

The 1980s was a time when action movies crashed noisily into American culture and seemed to take it over. They created a kind of film that had hardly been seen before; films where cops—for the most part—wreaked holy hell upon bad guys in the name of justice and then made snarky jokes about it.

From “Hercules” to “Gordy Brewer”—and, yes, “Handsome Stranger”—Andrew Cole analyzes all the major film roles of Arnold Schwarzenegger and why so few of them bother to explain why he sounds Austrian—or even have names that half-way fit him. He gives “ludicrosity” ratings to each of the character names and embeds a couple of videos to illustrate.