Yes, incredibly, I’ve broken my solemn oath not to do a Star Wars commentary a third time, this time by commentating on the original version of Star Wars from the bonus disk of the slim case boxed set. This is the one you may remember from VHS or laser disk or etched into stone tablets on Mount Olympus. It is the Star Wars.

I spend all my time disassembling the story and examining it piece by piece except when I’m making fun of C-3P0 or dismissing Chewbacca. I compare it to The Hidden Fortress, the hero’s journey monomyth, King Arthur, Gilgamesh, Greek myths, westerns, and Flash Gordon serials. I attempt to “fix” it—and by doing a lot more than making Greedo shoot first.

 Star Wars commentary [123:45m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (14)

I am joined by my padawan nephew “Noron” for a rip-roaring adventure in space with droids and stormtroopers and everything in a commentary for the first (chronologically) of the Star Wars films. Together we contemplate the value of an escape pod that dumps you in the middle of a giant desert, the wisdom of Jawas not to wipe the memories of the droids they find, and the likelihood of a giant aquatic snake getting onto a space station.

We try to figure out Darth Vader’s rank in relation to the various Moffs and Grand Moffs in this and the next movie, and how Peter Cushing could have been the good guy in old vampire movies when he looks like a vampire in this movie. We mull over the value of droids that can barely walk or roll, have no arms, and can’t speak; narrow walkways without railings; and a headset on a wookie that just goes “Aaawr!” One of us laments the loss of Porkins and Biggs, and one of use roots for the death of Biggs. Why? You won’t believe the reason.

 Star Wars commentary [122:44m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (2)

Bond is back again and Lazenby plays him. Join me as I investigate the one and only appearance of George Lazenby in the role and try to figure out what the hell is going on. I mock the nonsensical missions-that-aren’t-missions, gadgets-that-aren’t-gadgets, and Blofeld’s plan-that-isn’t-a-plan that amounts to hypno-zombie debutantes with poison spray bottles.

I analyze Blofeld’s weird philanthropic tendencies, Tracy’s unexplained suicidal tendencies, and her father’s henchmen’s random homicidal tendencies. And I analyze Bond’s cozy relationship with the self-confessed second-biggest crime lord in Europe.

I obsessively identify the various cars. I try to imagine a less likely man to pretend to be a homosexual in a skirt and frilly blouse. I try to identify the moment Bond genuinely falls in love. And I try to identify the moment Bond realizes that his sex addiction has allowed a known international terror-extortionist to successfully launch his plan.

 On Her Majesty's Secret Service commentary [148:21m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (78)

Bond is back again and Connery plays him, this time as a humble Japanese fisherman with a “yen” for smoked salmon. (Get it!?) Ah, but the mysterious Osato Corporation has it out for him and will surely do him in if they ever get their miserable act together and if they aren’t foiled by a girl. I examine the overall plan of Spectre, the specifics of that plan, the lack of a plan by Bond, and the awesomeness of ninjas and secret volcano lairs.

I mock the color-coded uniforms of Blofeld’s men, the awkwardness of the gadgets in Aki’s sweet Toyota 2000 sports car, the incredible convenience of certain plot twists, and the absurd unlikelihood of building a rocket base in a hollowed-out volcano with no one noticing. The film mocks me by serving up ninjas attacking a rocket base in a hollowed out volcano with no #@*&$ CGI. I mistakenly say that in the novel “Suki” tries to keep Bond and gets pregnant by him, but her name is “Kissy”. “Suki” is the original name for film’s character “Aki”, who doesn’t appear in the novel. Also, in keeping with the film’s rating, I bleep myself a couple of times.

 You Only Live Twice commentary [117:56m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (49)

JJ Abrams’ reboot of the storied Star Trek franchise meets its match in the form of myself and the Doctor from Speakeasy Podcast, in which we deftly pick apart the minor plot inconsistencies, such as every single thing that happens. However, we do love the film (even if it does feel like $150 million dollar fan fiction aimed at lens flare aficionados) so we fawn over the actors and effects and compare it to the original series and movies. But we also expose the ugly specter of racism and alcoholism in Starfleet (speaking of which: take a drink every time someone abandons his post as captain!).

Errata: Thruout the film, I stupidly call the Narada the Naruto. Also, grog rations were ended by the British navy in 1970. And the one where Kirk angers Spock with insults is “This Side of Paradise” and not “Shore Leave”. (Those are all mine. The Doctor’s “facts” are all “true”.)

 Standard Podcast [128:58m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (21)

It’s still alive! Sherlock Holmes and Dracula meet Bambi and Frankenstein’s Monster in the 1939 extension of the Frankenstein mythos. I mock the hilariously bizarre architecture, the ridiculous dart game, the absurd hair (and somewhat suspicious parentage) of little Peter, and the Frankenstein Village board of commerce. I explore the father-son theme and compare it to the previous films and boldly suggest that 47+ years is a long damn time for a monster to be roaming the countryside murdering people without being discovered or getting some kind of name, especially from his decades-long live-in companion.

I also suggest that if your town became famous for having a monster roaming around it, you could make a good buck off that if you market it the right way. And I gratuitously, but only momentarily, compare the Frankensteins to the royal family of England.

 Standard Podcast [100:50m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (19)

Kurt Russell and a bunch of “scientists” take on Rob Bottin and Stan Winston in a remake/readaptation of the 1950s monster flick, The Thing From Outer Space. The Doctor, of Speakeasy Commentaries, joins me for a third time—this time in glorious stereophonic sound. We both love the film and heap praise all over it (even on the dog) and yet fail to credit the original author, John W Campbell, Jr. (“Who Goes There”) or even the screen adapter, Bill Lancaster. We address such delicate questions as “who gets assimilated when?” “why keep rotting corpses indoors?” and “what’s with Doc Copper’s nose ring?” as well as marvel at the number of Vietnam-haunted alcoholic pot-smokers that were sent to live in the Antarctic for months at a time with firearms, dynamite, and flame-throwers.

 Standard Podcast [109:37m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (16)

Liam Nissan and Ewan McDonald’s use their laser swords to fight crime in the distant future! Natalie Portman and Keira Knightly are twins! Darth Vader wants to know: “Are you an angel?” A slave boy builds a diplomatic interpreter robot to help his mom do the dishes! The Jedi Council stops at nothing sends one Jedi and his apprentice to uncover the rising Sith menace. An aquatic rabbit bumbles thru the entire movie and wins a robot battle! And WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAAAACE?!

I edit Mr Plinkett of Red Letter Media into a commentary and interject my own observations and opinions (thereby breaking my pledge never to do a Star Wars commentary) whenever he runs out of things to rant about. Check out the original brilliantly funny and insightful video review of the film and several other terrific videos.

 Standard Podcast [138:15m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (31)

Nick Nolte is a dirty, drunken jerk of a cop who needs Eddie Murphy’s help to find a couple of crazy killers loose in San Francisco. I discuss the role of film as a bridge between 1970s cop movies and 1980s cop movies, place it in context with similar films, and examine the unusual structure. I explore how it fits into director Walter Hill’s career as well as Nolte’s and Murphy’s. I pick apart the police procedural aspects, the weak romantic subplots, and the racial themes.

 Standard Podcast [97:19m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (12)

Robin Williams falls into and out of the jungle world of Jumanji, fights a merciless killer, and realizes what it means to become a man (at least the standing-up-to-your-fears part; not so much the winkie-and-hoo-ha part). Join me as I deconstruct the movie’s theme of game-as-rite-of-passage and the Alan vs Van Pelt conflict; plan to make contingency plans for bad special effects if I write a screenplay; and laugh at the slow rhino. I also analyze the minor character roles, pick apart the rule that someone has to roll a 5 or 8 when there’s only one player left to roll the dice, and try to think of a reason to bury a really cool box full of something really cool so children can eventually find it.

 Standard Podcast [99:52m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (18)