Tag Archives: sight.unseen

Nazis at the Center of the Earth

nazisNetflix IMDb
Join me for a sight-unseen examination of The Asylum’s heartwarming tale of research scientists in Antarctica falling in and out of love and encountering (I don’t want to spoil it for you) certain challenges. I complain about the dialog and lack of active protagonists, and I root for Hitler OR DO I?

I compare the film to Futurama and, uh, films and examine the artistic choice of slow-motion. I question the science a time or two, and the choice of lenses used on Dominique Swain. I do not question the lenses used on Jake Busey. Use any lens you want; the man can’t be photographed badly.

I’m watching a streaming version. Start when and where I tell you to and don’t make any false moves, if you know what’s good for you.

Green Lantern

Green LanternNetflix IMDb
Join me as I watch Green Lantern for the first time. I marvel as video game characters talk to each other with bad lip sync and an alien gives power limited only by the imagination to a patently irresponsible guy with no imagination. I suggest that 24 is a little young for a woman to become a defense contractor executive. And I boldly imply that character development doesn’t consist of various characters simply saying the same words at each other over and over. (“Are you scared, because… your dad, you know?”)

But Ryan Slightly-Grizzled Reynolds powers thru the pain. The fish guy from Hellboy, a racial stereotype, and an incredibly rude Jedi master are the worst instructors in the galaxy, so he lays down his gun and badge and quits the galactic police force! HA! No, seriously, he totally keeps the gun and badge…. And then—stuff!—and some chit chat, etc. 5-6-7-8-aaaaaand I’m spent.

Start the commentary after the Warner Brothers logo and just before the DC Comics logo, on the countdown.

Raw Deal

Raw DealNetflix IMDb
Arnold Schwarzenegger is back in all his 1980s glory! He’s at the height of his killing/quipping powers and ready to— okay, I can’t kid you. There’s a reason why you and I have never seen this, and it’s because it stinks. Join me anyway as I watch for the first time and fill this gap in the Schwarzenegger oeuvre.

I pick out my favorite quip, revel in the intriguing setup, and marvel at the sets and suits. I identify many of the actors and their cars. I shake my head at the weird plotting. And I accuse Arnold of being a mass murderer.

I’m watching a hi-def version. Start the movie on the countdown with the DEG logo.

2-Headed Shark Attack

2-Headed Shark AttackNetflix IMDb
The Asylum attacks! It’s a two-headed shark, Carmen Electra, Charlie O’Connell, Brooke Hogan, and a cast of shark fodder. Along the way, I express bafflement at the purpose of the expedition, I root against certain characters, I call Charlie O’Connell a wuss (and, multiple times, Jerry—sorry), I try to rewrite the story as a JJ Abrams project, and I come up with an idea for a sequel.

Overall, I’m solidly not as disappointed as I could have been. It’s fun in the sun “hundreds” of miles away from anywhere with a gratuitous topless scene and lots of bikinis. Who am I to complain? And, after watching it again, I realize that nearly all the questions I had are actually answered in the film. This screenplay is watertight!

I’m watching the Blu-ray version. Start the movie on the countdown with the “The Asylum presents” title card.


MacheteNetflix IMDb
Danny Trejo IS Machete, the hard-charging illegal immigrant of your nightmares. Robert DeNiro is the Italian/Irish/Texan state senator. Jessica Alba is the the superhot tight-pantsed Immigration agent. Michelle Rodriguez (no relation to our co-director Robert) is the superhot taco truck lady! And that guy who is always a villain in these kinds of movies is the villain in this movie!

Join me as I watch it for the first time and narrate the bloody mess! Also! Don Johnson! Steven Seagal! Cheech Marin! Tom Savini! It’s completely ridiculous how many famous actors are crammed into this movie! Except Devon Aoki! That is NOT—repeat NOT—Devon Aoki! I almost forgot Lindsey Lohan! Who gets naked! As do other ladies, some more and some less full-frontally!

It’s an all-out race against time! I think! It might be an action-packed roller-coaster-ride! I’m not sure! This plot was more complicated than I bargained for!

Start the movie on the countdown after the 20th Century Fox logo has faded to black.


DinocrocNetflix IMDb
Roger Corman is back, and he brought Dinocroc with him! It’s the 2004 visual effects extravaganza monster movie Dinocroc. Join me if you dare as I cue this baby up and watch it for the first time. Thrill to the shadowy swamps! Tremble as the monster stalks its prey (again and again and again)! Shimmy as the Scooby-Doo trap is sprung!

I get my superhot-women-with-serpentine-features mixed up (and give my recommendations for worm-based Scottish folk rock). I compare the film to all the usual suspects and desperately try to have fun with it in general. It’s no Sharktopus, but it will have to do.

Start the movie on the countdown with the New Concorde logo.

A Haunting in Salem

Haunting in SalemNetflix IMDb
The Asylum is back, and they’re bringing the scares for Halloween! Join me as I watch A Haunting in Salem for the first time and enjoy the thrills and chills on my way to enjoying the hell out of this movie. I analyze the legend-within-a-legend idea, the value of renovating bathrooms and kitchens, the rules of daytime vs nighttime haunting, the texting skills of 1950s ghosts, and the curious love of landscape pictures the family has.

Along the way, I quail in fear and disgust at actors’ dirty feet, determine which of the Van Dykes is the least Van Dykey, decide that I want to see woolly mammoth ghosts, come to the conclusion that I may need to murder someone in my own house to give it atmosphere, and lay some word-nerdery on you.

I’m watching the Blu-ray version. Start the movie on the countdown with the “The Aslyum presents” title card.