Tag Archives: sight.unseen

Titanic II

Titanic IINetflix IMDb
It’s the Asylum again, back for another sight-unseen commentary, this time with 100% fewer giant monsters! I don’t know if that’s a good thing, but it certainly makes for a higher quality film, easily besting the original 1997 James Cameron romantic-tragedy epic boo-hoo-fest, which I hated like Pol Pot and Baby Doc Duvalier.

There are no pop stars in this one, just a solid performance by Bruce Davison, a welcome bit by Brooke Burns, and a decent job by writer/director/star Shane Van Dyke as well as by the lips attached to Marie Wesbrook. I make fun of some names, some effects, and various ship nonsense. At times, I long for a mega shark and pray for the iceberg to eat a helicopter, but overall I liked it and was rather impressed by it. If this had been put out by a major studio with Roland Emmerich money for effects and advertising, it would have been a genuine blockbuster. (Which is different from saying it would have been a good film, by the way.)

Start the movie after the “The Asylum” title has faded out and the “Titanic II” title is juuuuust starting to fade in.

Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Mega Python vs GatoroidNetflix IMDb
It’s another Asylum monster/pop star extravaganza, this time with both Debbie Gibson and Tiffany [last name unknown], as well as a Martinez. ‘Which Martinez?’ you ask? THE Martinez. And a host of pythons and alligators-that-look-more-like-crocodiles-to-me rise out of the Everglades to attack Florida, which I again write off as a total loss. (Seriously, America, we’re fully insured, right?)

There is pop music (some of which is pretty damn good), cars, and helicopters that change shape in mid-air. There’s a herpatologist who can fly a helicopter and an animal rights activist who cares passionately about releasing non-native predators into Florida swamps. Other highlights: swallowing, biting, shooting, and cleavage. Plus, a secret surprise I guarantee will surprise you with its secret!

I praise the acting (I think; it’s tough to remember all the crap I say, sometimes) but ding the directing (close-ups of people getting eaten is fundamentally cinematically different from people getting eaten).

Start the movie after the “The Asylum” title has faded out and the “Mega Python vs Gatoroid” title has just faded in over the airboats.

Mega Piranha

Mega PiranhaNetflix IMDb
Over-sized piranhas are attacking Venezuela! Join me as I watch the film for the first time (I’m calling these “sight unseen” commentaries now) and attempt to figure out what is going on; why fish bark, roar, and oink; and why everything seems to have been shot at 6 o’clock in the evening. Listen as I identify the multiple artificial ticking clocks, write off the entire state of Florida, and calculate the growth rate of genetically modified fish on a scratch pad several times—oh wait, the characters do that last one.

I research the extensive film biographies of Tiffany [last name unknown], Barry Williams, Paul “I’m not Paul Hogan” Logan, and director Eric Forsberg and come up pretty dry. However, they all do a pretty great job, so I have no complaints. Oh wait, I do complain that the titles aren’t left on screen long enough. (I’m a slow reader!) And I complain that there aren’t any subtitles or extras on the Blu-ray. That’s right—I’m watchin’ this puppy on Blu-ray! (from the $5 bargain bin) No more commercials! Bonus: brown lady boobs!

Start the movie after the “The Asylum” title has faded out and the “Mega Piranha” title is about to fade in.

2010: Moby Dick

2010 Moby DickNetflix IMDb
Barry Bostwick and Renée O’Connor team up to hunt down a gigantic whale somewhere in the south seas in this 2010 tale of a man, a whale, and a dream of killing that whale. Watch with me as I:

  • Watch it for the first time
  • Compare it extensively to the original Herman Melville novel (it’s about a guy hunting a whale)
  • Pick apart the intricacies of the plot (guy hunts whale, whale tries to eat aircraft in peace)
  • Analyze the symbolism (leg = penis; whale = thing that eats penises)
  • Get my 1978 Battlestar Galactica references all wrong (Starbuck = Apollo, Cassiopeia = Serina, robot dog = son, “biddi-biddi-biddi” = Twiki from Buck Rogers)
  • Review whale biology (female whales have udders, right?)
  • Never, ever compare it to Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, which this is better than

I praise the sets, CGI, directing, and acting—where appropriate (I’m lookin’ at you, guy-with-the-blank-stare-of-a-cow). And I complain that everything is lit like an Italian restaurant. Enjoy!

Start the movie with the countdown just as the mountains fade up.

Sharktopus

SharktopusNetflix IMDb
Roger Corman and Eric Roberts team up with a crack team of effects artists to create an incredibly life-like simulation of Eric Roberts and a giant, bullet-proof shark-octopus hybrid which—somehow—gets out of control. It’s an age-old story of love and loss, and I watch it for the first time and never, ever, not-even-once compare it to Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Watch it with me as I try to piece together the complex story and explore structure, theme, and buckets and buckets of Kensington gore. I sing a little “Sharktopus’s Garden”, compare it to La Dolce Vita and Jaws, and come up with some ideas (copyright!) for more sea monster movies.

Start the movie with the countdown just as the title card has faded to black.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Mega Shark vs Giant OctopusNetflix IMDb
Avast and ahoy, matey! There be monsters here! Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas arise out of the ’80s to attack a defenseless mega shark and an innocent giant octopus with submarines. Join me as I watch this SyFy channel video nasty for the very first time and marvel at the fake buttons, Ed Wood sets, and hot scientist-on-scientist action. I sing a little Debbie Gibson and call Lorenzo Lamas “Fernando Lamas” a couple of times (they’re father and son).

Also, I misquote Jaws* and Jerry Maguire** somewhat.

* “The thing about a shark… he’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes.”
** “D’you know that the human head weighs 8 pounds? … D’you know that my next door neighbor has three rabbits?”

La Dolce Vita

La Dolce VitaNetflix IMDb
Ooh la la! A silly experimental avant garde attempt at doing a commentary on a film I’ve never seen before. I watch this Fellini classic for the very first time, recording my amusement, confusion, frustration, and eventual disappointment. If you already know and love the film, laugh at my provincial attitude. If you hate it, laugh with me while I try desperately to enjoy it. I mention how the word paparazzi comes from the character of Paparazzo. I consider how much I like Marcello Mastroianni in principle. I mock how ridiculous “Casanova Xavier” is as a name for an American rock-and-roller. I misidentify Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue in D Minor” as “…G Minor” (but what are a few letters between friends?) I’m moved by the tragedy that develops, but ultimately feel that it is squandered, which may have been Fellini’s point, for all I know.

Start the movie when at the very beginning credits when I give the instruction. (81 MB)